W is still here at our my house and it's nearly 6:00pm. She has been mostly zonked out on pain medicine asleep all the day. Hasn't left the bed since 7:30am this morning. I am regularly checking in on her to make sure doesn't need anything, and giving her the meds she needs, but I haven't stayed in there.
Remember that stuff about "giving to get" that I have a problem with (giving love expecting something in return). I can honestly say today is not one of those days. It feels different.
Kidney stones must hurt like hell. How ironically appropriate.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I have to remember that it is extremely important that I pull away before Retro weekend in two weeks. If she is walking in that door feeling smothered, it's pointless in my opinion.
These next two weeks and how I behave could be a very very important time in our M. With what I've heard about Retro, it is a very powerful experience. I wouldn't want to shortchange myself by walking in there with her hating me.
I've set a goal. Not a large one, but a good one. That's all I can do right now - I'm so emotionally charged that anything other than short term goals right now seem monumental. Just let it all go for two weeks. That's it, John. Two weeks.
I have to STOP thinking about wanting to get that kiss, or that look, or that hug. I have to let it go. It is freedom that I NEED. It may not be what I want, but it is an internal prison. It is a necessity.
It doesn't help that I'm a fixer and she's broken in my house.
Last edited by john28; 08/29/1010:17 PM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
What are your specific goals for accomplishing "letting it go"? It is so vague, helps to be really specific so when you feel like you are going to do something dumb, you have it all written in front of you. I've emailed myself my goals at work so I can read them every day. Not always smart about following them, but they do help me try and stay on track.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
She has cheated on him several times and is most likely still cheating on him and you are suggesting he competes for her affection.
One of the main principles of DB is to STOP doing what doesnt work. Why continue playing this game? Same thinking?? Same results??? = Insanity!! which is pretty much what is happening.
Why the H3ll!! would he want to compete with OM's affection? Perfect recipe for sacrificing your identity and destroying any left over self-respect or ego.
What he needs to do is send her a$$ packing until she grows up, but that will never happen because they are both too co-dependent on eachother for attention and other crap.
I have told you this how many times?? YOU are the only one that can CHOOSE to BREAK this CYCLE.
Why would you want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with you. Period. YOU can never CONVINCE anyone to be YOU through words has to be through ACTIONS. PERIOD.
Once again. What happened to the "Hold on to your NUTS" attitude that you had found. Fighting for scraps is definitely not in that book.
Good Luck. PMA
Damn. I love reading back through my thread and getting these nuggets again. I should print this whole thing out force myself to read it everyday.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
W left the house. While she was still in bed drugged out I put S4 to bed. It was her night to have him, but she couldn't get up to take him home by bedtime, so I put him down. After I put him down, she was half awake in bed so I called a friend nearby and we went and picked up her car from the hospital because I wanted her to leave if she was able to.
I didn't want her to make the excuse that we couldn't both leave to get the car because S4 was in bed. I also didn't want her to feel "trapped" at my house with no car and not able to leave.
So I got the car, drove home. She was up. Told her that her car was ready. She wanted to talk about mediation, asked if I wanted to go to the consultation that she setup (without telling me). I said no, it wasn't necessary that she could go without me since she scheduled it without me. She said OK, told me that she wouldn't make plans like that again without talking to me about it. She says she didn't tell me about it because she "didn't want to hurt me before she had all the information". Oh Please.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Something that kind of bothered me (though it shouldn't if I was detached) was that she wasn't wearing her ring when I picked her up from the hospital at 6am. She was wearing it when she dropped our son off that previous night at 5pm.
I know, shouldn't bother me. I didn't say anything. But I'm starting to think that she just wears it around me.
Either way, it hurts. But I'll keep that internal to the best of my ability.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
It would have to be a conscious decision to take it off. I know she went out that night with her girlfriend (confirmed). That irks me because of her comment on keeping our vows. She even mentioned it again tonight before she left when I told her that I would like to know if she became involved with someone else, or if she contacted OM since our seperation so that I could prepare myself for that. She wholeheartedly said she would - but she wasn't planning on it because she was honoring our vows.
Or, she just took it off because she was throwing up buckets last night. God, I want to bring this up with her but I can't. It will only push her further away.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
The questions you ask, are still telling her she has you in her grip. She will tell you want you want to hear to tighten that grip. STOP asking her questions like that. go back to not believing anything they say, do you really think she is going to tell you whether she has talked to OM? no she wont. So do you ask her these questions to keep reassuring yourself that she will honor her vows? if this does not go the way you want, you are going to be more devastated because you are not making yourself detach more. You did good with the car and keeping your S at the house. I am not a total pr!ck, so I will give you some points when I see you are doing some stuff right.
But the questions you ask as she leaves to me seem desperate, not good for your detaching and letting go. Honoring vows does not mean mediation. I think you need to stop focusing on her statement of honoring the vows. If that were the case, you would be in mc, she would not bring up mediation. Stop engaging in a game that you will not win.
