WH didn't exactly suggest therapy, but tried to reiterate that he wasn't sure what he wanted. (I've been working for about 4 hours, so some of the conversation has drifted away from me and I have to pull it back.)
He said:
+ I said in the email that he didn't want to delve inward to do therapy, and that was actually true. Because for the past six months he's been really inward with his therapist and he doesn't think he has the 'energy' to do any more right now. + He wants to raise little girl together, since she's ours. (He's trying to push the new man out already and he's not even here yet! Course I am pushing him in.) I said he'd be extra. + I'm wanting to do therapy now, but this is what he wanted to do back in January. (I said he couldn't just throw on me a book "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" with a controlled separation and expect me to be like, 'okay'!) + He wants both of us to be happy. I said I could be happy either way. And then I said I thought he would be UNhappy either way! And he actually agreed. He said he learned that about himself in therapy.
CUPCAKE WARS IS ON, YEAHHHHHHH!!!!
He tried really hard not to cry. He got my message loud and clear that I felt like he was using me because he kept saying "I'm not being emotional to influence you; I'm sorry, I'll stop" etc etc. He didn't cry too much.
I told him the story about Jason Alexander. I said this week, though, I was REALLY not into making anything work. (I stopped short of saying that it was fully 100% over.) That it would be therapy and friends, or no therapy and no friends.
He said that he was going to try to let me go.
I don't know why he really wants to tell me these things. I guess I already said that he is using my friendship... but I guess what I learned today is that I'd still go to therapy with him. But we are so not there.
I guess I'm thinking about being friends with him a little longer. Because as I said to him when he left, if we do nothing right now, we are deciding to divorce. We will drift farther apart. He said he knew.
Ah ladies, I caught a piece of twine in the rope...
First G, re the dating and it being scary. Oh yeah, tell me about it! Can't even FATHOM it.
Okay, to the conversation (wasn't this meant to be on email? what did I miss. anyway, doesn't matter!)
The energy thing; big factor with my WH too. Said he "was too tired" to do the right thing. WH is telling you something here. He can't do it NOW.
If he wants to raise her together, then I think this is a good thing..not an EASY thing, a good thing, for bubs.
Your WH needs to continue his therapy and introspection into why he keeps making unhappy choices for himself..it's his journey..don't help him.
Quote:
I told him the story about Jason Alexander. I said this week, though, I was REALLY not into making anything work. (I stopped short of saying that it was fully 100% over.) That it would be therapy and friends, or no therapy and no friends.
He said that he was going to try to let me go.
I don't know why he really wants to tell me these things. I guess I already said that he is using my friendship... but I guess what I learned today is that I'd still go to therapy with him. But we are so not there.
I guess I'm thinking about being friends with him a little longer. Because as I said to him when he left, if we do nothing right now, we are deciding to divorce. We will drift farther apart. He said he knew.
Yep, be friends. Try to have nice times. Nothing more, nothing less. Be good parents to bub.
What you learned today is that you are not done with him, but piecing this back together is going to take time.
He needs to sort himself out, in his own time.
You need to keep being the best you possible, and hopefully bit by bit you two will end up back together... that is, if you haven't moved on.
No point trying to "figure" WH out..he doesn't know what's wrong with himself either...
Just keep the focus on having a great life for yourself and bubs for now.
TIME.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
WH is telling you something here. He can't do it NOW.
Agreed! H used to say "not right now". Sometimes they scare themselves when they realize they still have feelings for us!
Originally Posted By: Piano
If he wants to raise her together, then I think this is a good thing..not an EASY thing, a good thing, for bubs.
If nothing else, bub lucks out with THREE parents!
Originally Posted By: Piano
Your WH needs to continue his therapy and introspection into why he keeps making unhappy choices for himself..it's his journey..don't help him.
Agreed! Good thing he still is in Ic!
Originally Posted By: Gatsby
He said that he was going to try to let me go.
Maybe he needs to try this to realize its not what he wants. Not what an LBS wants to hear, but basically he is fighting the feelings he has to want to be with you! My H tells me now, he fought his feelings to R months ago... Wasn't sure if it was because he missed me or b/c of the baby and pregnancy. Said he didn't want to say anything until he was 100 % certain that he wants to stay and work on our M. Maybe ypur H is going through the same thing?
Originally Posted By: Gatsby
I already said that he is using my friendship... but I guess what I learned today is that I'd still go to therapy with him. But we are so not there.
in time! Let time take its course... He is using your friendship... Because he finds your friendship invaluable! And when he "let's you go" he will miss it!!!!
Sorry to give you my two cents and compare your H to mine, but our sitches seem quite similar at times. And I find it interesting that H is telling me how he felt all along... Thought I'd share insight on what could possibly be going on their minds!!!
Hi Gatsby! 1) why would you be thinking of dating? I don't recall your marriage being over...no one has filed for divorce!
And a sign to not date is if you feel scared.
2)Once again, I am in agreement with BD and Piano. I really really think that you should try just laying off the talk of counseling and relationship and try to just "be." Or not care. Or stop TRYING unless it is a change you want to make for you. Because your H isn't in a rush to divorce you, then you can use that as a sign that he is uncertain. Being uncertain is good. BD's H turned around...
3)Boy is it true that we just can't try to figure out the WAHs. I think this is natural for us to want to figure them out but the seasoned DBers tell everyone "detach! don't worry about them!" and NOW I get it...it's like watching Mulholland Drive or Twin Peaks or those weird movies and shows where you can interpret the theme or outcome in so many different ways that it makes you dizzy with the possibilities. I wish I could think of a better analogy!
4) Please don't dread reading my thread! There is no dating action currently (although I did window shop on POF the other day) I do care to hear your opinions and insights!
Last edited by newmama; 08/31/1004:00 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Gatsby, just want you to know that I understand! I have had those years as a SPED teacher...some years you just get a crazy caseload of kids that have a LOT of needs. If that is what is going on.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
That is TOTALLY what is going on, NM! So many kids, and so many high-needs ones. Oh boy. This one student is so crazy chaotic, it's hard to calm his storm. He subtracts by furiously writing a mark for every number and then crossing off the number he's supposed to subtract. Then he counts what's left over. He's frantically writing, counting, crossing, and counting again. And he makes a mistake every time! And when he makes a mistake, he gets so upset. And when I try to explain, he just starts hollering "Booo!"
So my next task with him is flashcards to memorize these stinkin' facts. And if that doesn't work, calculator!
Anyways.
About WH: kind of gave up on the no-friends thing for now. There's so much work I'm doing right now, I do need him to come over Mondays and Fridays so I can get stuff done. He's coming over again on Sunday, bringing a crib that I bought, and then setting it up.
It's just too hard to say no to his help right now just on principle. It's better for me to take his help and say 'whatevs' about it all.
About little girl: cutie patootie! But she's a flat-head. So I began Operation Head Shape yesterday. The entire team (me, WH, daycare) are helping her lay on her sides and limiting time on her back. I'm also just massaging and pushing down on the pointy top part to smooth it out. If need be, we'll helmet her. Her headshape is almost as bad as the first example on google images when you type in 'flat head'. And I want her to have the option of sporting a cute pixie cut when she's older!
Well, that's all for now. Gonna read the threads real quick and then go to sleep!
OMG, I just realized on the post before this one, I wrote "boo"! I guess that kid's vernacular is sticking in my head!! (He truly says it 25 times a day with me. Loudly. Grr....)
in time! Let time take its course... He is using your friendship... Because he finds your friendship invaluable! And when he "let's you go" he will miss it!!!!