I walked into the kitchen and sent S13 outside to work on something.
She opened with, “This is my house too and I want my computer in the living room!”
I countered with, “We agreed that you’d be temporarily living in the basement until you find another place to stay so your computer should be there for you too.”
She about lost it and started yelling and crying. Playing the blame game again, saying it must be nice to be Mr. Perfect, blah blah. I told her that was not constructive and I didn’t have the time or inclination to discuss anything if she wasn’t calm.
She then tried the old, “well the kids’ computer can’t stay in the living room since S13 will just watch TV instead of doing his homework. I explained that since she left the TV is almost never on and then only after dinner. SHE is the TV junky. So, she tried a different tack. Said that since the house is half hers anyway, she’ll put the computer where she wants it and watch TV upstairs any time she wants.
OK, I was starting to lose my cool at this point so I said she could put it wherever she wants but I would make sure there was no internet connection unless it was in the basement and I was tired of fighting about something so trivial when we have much bigger issues right now.
She then started dredging up her version of the past. I stopped her and explained that the past couldn’t be changed and I had already apologized for my part and it is time to learn from our mistakes and move forward.
She then said that she didn’t want to come back the last time I told her the boundaries (total transparency, no contact with OM, change number, etc) and she said she didn’t want to then since the kids would have more freedom then she would. I said, well, the kids never went out and got another Dad and cheated on me and moved out. Vindictive, I know.
She then tried the old “My Mother just died and I couldn’t deal with you then.” I reminded her that her Mother passed away the end of June. She started the affair in August of last year and I found out and she left the beginning of June.
So, since that didn’t work, she tried the old “I just want to come back and work on us” routine, but it was obvious that she was just trying to “win” so I said I am not ready at this time with everything she has pulled in the past few months.
Honestly, my internal/individual time limit for her to come back has about reached its end.
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
Honestly, my internal/individual time limit for her to come back has about reached its end.
Please don't confuse THIS^^^^^ and detachment. Your responses to her various attempts (tests!!) show me a detached/let go mindset. You have also removed the OUTCOME from your thinking. That is all good. You may NOT be done standing for your M.
This was significant but let's see if someone with more experience has anything to add.
Exchanges never are perfect. Some are just better than others. Think you did well. Her actions and your responses may have got you back to before the "whatever" comment.
Honestly, my internal/individual time limit for her to come back has about reached its end.
Please don't confuse THIS^^^^^ and detachment. Your responses to her various attempts (tests!!) show me a detached/let go mindset. You have also removed the OUTCOME from your thinking. That is all good. You may NOT be done standing for your M.
This was significant but let's see if someone with more experience has anything to add.
Exchanges never are perfect. Some are just better than others. Think you did well. Her actions and your responses may have got you back to before the "whatever" comment.
HEY CD! I looked for your thread but it seems to have ended and maybe started a new one? Can you link me to it?
Thanks for the kind words and I assure you that I am not confusing detachment and calling it quits. I just don't know how much more of this I can take before I do move on with my life. I just want her to figure out a way to get along with the children. i am SO SICK of them coming to me telling me they don't want her around any more. It breaks my heart!
Anyhoo, where it stands right now... I just don't know.
I moved her computer desk to the basement and moved another desk into the living room for the kids. She was civil when she called after work to ask me about a bill so I guess only time will tell.
Thanks so much for checking back in on me!
Tom
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
she tried the old “I just want to come back and work on us” routine
You ever ask her how she plans on working on "us"?
Hey TH! I didn't even bother this time since she freely admits that she "can't cut off comms with the OM because he is just too good of a friend". SIGH!
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
My new thread is in my signature "Newer game-Moving Forward"
I don't know how she defines "good friends" but I would think her best friend (who she is in serious danger of losing) is the guy watching her children and allowing her a warm place to live while she does THIS to him.
Nav, you need better friends, buddy. And make sure there is a mirror in the basement so she can look at herself in the mirror.
You will know the answer to your question when you can say without anger, resentment or regret, that you did all you could to preserve your family and that NOW, for the health of you and your children, and because you are a "changed man", you must move forward with your life. You are already on that path. It will become clear when she simply won't fit in it anymore.
that might be the wrong words, but you'll know when youe are "there"
