Yesterday I wrote to him about the issues with his work, we ta;led about it a bit and then it went downhill (resulting in my thread When a good talk just fizzles...).
On a completely separate note, I wrote H an email before going to bed thanking him for being so receptive in conversations lately and asking him to ask me more questions so that I can be more open. I explained that it assures me of that he wants to know about me and also helps me discover myself and grow.
This morning we started IMing. We were having nice small talk that moved to more sexual topics. We talked about likes and interests, I was doing most of the talking. My goal is to become more open, right? I was talking about doing things that are slightly risky for the danger of being seen. It was going pretty well until H started asking about things like nude beach (he's not comfortable with that) and I said (truthfully) that I have no interest in people seeing me, just want a little thrill.
Then a topic of sunbathing topless came up, which I have told him before that I've done in the past. But I've always explained that I only did it in places where it's not a big deal (like beaches in Spain) and there are a lot of other women doing it too. I didn't care much for it and just did it for practicality of even tan. Since he expressed (a long time ago) being uncomfortable with it, I said I wouldn't do it anymore - it really made no difference to me. Yet, today he said that he doesn't believe my explanation.
I asked why and he said he never believed it and "I've told him that before" (I thought it was good that my explanations were consistent, no?). He said that the whole conversation we had today seemed fake to him and he didn't believe me at all. He said he thinks he knows me a little, and this is different - I'm not an open person, it sounds different. I said: I'm trying to be open and you think I'm lying? He kept on going with the not believing me line, then when I said that I don't know why he doesn't, because I never lied to him, he said he doubts that and in fact he knows it's not true. When I tried to get him to explain, he refused, said he's done and doesn't trust me. I just didn't continue that conversation.
My question is What the hell happened there??
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
First of all, I'm just puzzled by his reaction. Close second, I'm rather offended by the accusations and I don't even know how to feel about the fact he wouldn't back them up. Aside from being hurt by his words, I wonder how can I possibly be open with him if he doesn't believe me? And he's not accepting of my attempts to open up, while me being closed was always his complaint. Or is all this a smoke screen for some other issue?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Don't let someone else tell you what you think, feel or believe.
He's insecure.
He's sabotaging himself.
"I understand you might not believe me. I feel mistrusted for no reason. If I can't tell you the truth and have you believe me our M won't work. What are the facts you are basing this in?"
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So the topic stirred his insecurity and he quickly barricaded himself away from me?
I stayed fairly calm and tried to enquire why he doesn't believe me and he just kept on saying he doesn't and he doesn't trust me and then started being rude. It was just escalating out of control. I guess I should have said that I will not tolerate him being rude and then left the conversation if he continued, but I just left.
But was there a point in continuing this conversation if he just seemed stuck like a broken record? Or just let go and start anew at a better moment?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Aw Ris, I'm sorry the conversation turned like that. This is something we went through when H was still deployed. He started saying that he didn't trust me and didn't believe me about things. It all eventually led around to accusations of cheating (on both our parts, which was wrong). I think Coach is right that it's brought on by insecurities.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
KellBell, thanks for the warning, I'm trying to avoid escalating it. When H was deployed, cheating came up in conversations for us too. I never accused him of it, but he did ask if/suggested that I cheated - all without the slightest reason, on the grounds of other guys over there hearing from their Ws and GFs that they cheated. It was very hurtful to me because I never gave him a reason to think that and I never cheated - not even flirted with another guy or anything like that.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Should I wait until he talks to me first to talk about this? I don't want it to turn into a game of silent treatment, but is it pursuing? And should I still be avoiding pursuing?
On another note, should I let him know that I'm upset with his accusations or should I just try to process it myself and get over it?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
I just can't stop being so sad over this, only a week ago H was so sweet and I felt so good about where we were heading and now this. What went wrong?
I haven't talked to him today at all and I actually didn't feel like it. He was online on IM most of the day and he doesn't normally get on it except when he wants to talk to me. But I didn't want to start the conversation, I was sort of angry. Now I just feel like a deflated balloon, I'm just sad.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Hey ris, I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting today...I know it's hard, when one week/day/moment you're up and things are looking hopeful but then things turn so quickly and all you can feel is despair. And folks say that yes it's normal, that's the 'roller coaster' - and of course, it is - but that doesn't stop your from feeling so low. Yah, it's hard. I can appreciate when you're angry, it's hard to start conversations... it's ok not to. Sometimes we just need to hibernate with our feelings for a while.
You know, this might be of help... one thing I've noticed in my sitch, is that when things felt the most down, even if it lasted for days or longer - there'd always be something that would eventually happen - oh I don't know, I can't even give you an example. But something like a sudden flash of insight; some understanding that would have never occurred to me before; or a hint of an idea as to how I could make my life better, that would always seem to come after one of those 'down' periods. It was odd. And once I had that flash, it kind of almost gave me some energy, or the motivation or something, to handle the next period of time. Or maybe the idea as to how to handle whatever particular troublesome pattern or problem I was trying to overcome.
Don't know if that helps, but thought I'd offer it up in case it might help you to know that that can happen. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but I soon realized it was happening too often to be. But I think that sometimes we need those low times... who knows maybe it's our subconscious processing through all the stuff that needs filtering... so that you can find your footing again.
Sorry, if that's a little too philosophical for your taste!! Anyways, my heart goes out to you today. Take care, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
