I am new to the board, have been married 27 yrs. Have dealt with SSM for most of the 27 yrs. There has not been any time I can recall when the sex and intimacy was even adequate. Before marriage we were much more active. I am a professional, we have no financial worries. 2 children, one 2nd yr college and one senior in HS. Have read the first chapter about one year ago, it was enlightening for me, the feelings in the first chapter expressed by the HD mirrors mine. The first 3 years of marriage was more like dating in that my professional schooling and her finishing nursing degree did not leave us much time with each other. It was not until after 3 years that we actually lived as a married couple where we spent time day to day and had most weekends together. I wonder if some important bond did not form. Over the years amount has not varied much, usually once a month on average. Have had long periods wo any, up to 9 month. Usually when I have backed of in seeking intimacy and let her set the pace. There was a brief flurry of activity when she wanted to get pregant. Most of the time just accept it and put energies into work and hobbies. I do help around the house and cook more the half the time(is a hobby). Only light drinking and no drugs.
At times I wonder why did she marry me if she has no desires for me. Have had a few minor confrontations about this, last was in Oct when she discovered I had been on this site. Called me, that night and was upset. Pleaded to give her 2nd chance before doing anything(she must have been thinking I was going to D her). Nothing has changed, with about to become emptynesters sometimes not sure if want to stay in this type of marriage. Not sure if she would be up for couseling. After being rejected or having understanding that we may be intimate at certain time, which does not happen(usually she goes to sleep or avoids going to bed at same time) I give up trying to intiate any thing. She says she wants more shows of affection not leading to intimacy and it might make her in the mood. Have tried that many times for many lengths of time wo any results.
Not sure where to go with this, is the phone couseling worth it if only one of the couple is involved? Affair is out of question, could not get past marriage vow I took. Wonder is this the worse they talk about in the vow? Have not bought the book, will it help if only one person reads it? Sometimes D seems answer, but would not want to hurt kids even if they are out of house. Not even sure would look for anyone else, could end up in same type of marriage. I know this community may not have answers, but helps to atleast express frustration. I am lucky have not had to face the trauma of a affair that some posters have had(at least not that I know of), also we do not have the mental health issues some spouses have to deal with.
