Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

I feel in a little bit of a weird funk. H and I have texted on and off this weekend. I texted him on Friday (as a little cookie to keep him interested) to ask if he was feeling any better since he felt so off the day before, which unfortunately he was feeling about the same. Friday night, h asked about S and i asked him what his plans were for the weekend. He said on that night (friday) he was going to go home and sleep (which I'm skeptical about - I'm guessing he went out with his friends but anyways), and then asked if we could get together on Sunday. Then the ususal "how's s" text on Saturday night. Sunday comes, H ends up over sleeping again and asks if he should come over anyways to see just me (since S is about to go down for his nap). (Interesting. I guess he was just framing it that way b/c last time I turned him down). I said ok, but that he should come right now before S goes to sleep so he can see him too. The sum of the story is that H finally comes 2 hours later, S has already long since gone to down for his nap, and then H can only stay for 30mins b/c he has to run other errands before work.

The 30 minutes were interesting tho. Starters, H is all stressed about his current job b/c they keep making the stupidest decisions and then on top of that, the other manager is going on vacation for like 2 weeks, so H has to close every single night! Well, for us, I suppose it doesn't matter b/c we haven't been hanging out anyways, but now there is definitely no chance of that. H was also talking about his guy friends and how each of them have a specialty and that they all want to go into business together (like a catering business). We talked about his friends for a little bit. A persons friends make the person who they are so that's a little scary. These are all new post-separation friends, so I've only met each of them twice. They're not bad people exactly (in fact they seem nice enough), but they are definitely not what I need to help H get back on track. #1, I asked if any of them had girlfriends or wives. Nope! None. So a group of bachelor boys going out every night. Great! In a forward thinking sense, I was at least thinking duoble dating would be a nice way to infuse me back into his life, but that can't happen. #2, he was talking about a couple of their different things they have done. Going out to this bar or that bar, going to one of the guy's houses and getting drunk and having wrestling matches. Boys! I would say H does not have a drinking problem anymore because it no longer controls his life and he no longer feels the need to "self-medicate", but he is definitely still a social drinker and when that's all your social group does, it's still kind of a lot. I'm not against social drinking per say, but there just has to be more to life than that. I know I'm a girl and thinking talking with g/f's, going to a movie, going on a hike are just as fun, but really, there have to be some things guys can do that don't involve drinking.

So back to why I'm in a weird funk again...a short little time together revealed so much today. He definitely needs me in his life b/c I really am his best complement to keep him grounded (which I think he sees and why he comes to me b/c I'm the only one that understands the complications going on in his life), but I don't see him penciling us in to his future. He has these great ideas for his future (own several bars, get into catering business with friends, get a house in newport beach) which are all probably attainable for him, but there is yet to be any mention of me and S in his life. I think he has more of a "will see" attitude, but that doesn't work for me. We're hitting 2 YEARS here shortly and I'm getting to the end of my rope in limbo land. When I asked the question about the friends having g/fs, he was so absolute - definitely not! Any saying how he was the only one with a kid too. It just doesn't make a very promising situation to have anyone supporting an "us". I think too about if I even want him in my life. He definitely pulls me down more than he raises me up. It's hard b/c I want him, but I'm not really even sure why? Maybe it's just the loneliness for me and wanting to give S a family. Despite that, I know I would definitely give it a try with MC IF H was able to get to that point, but another part of me thinks that maybe I should just move on too (not this moment, but as I start to push things later this year). I keep getting more and more frustrated b/c I keep seeing other couples and despite normal R difficulties, they're sticking it out and showing love to each other. I just have so much love to give and i want it to be shown back too! For me, I feel like I need to over the next few months push for a resolution one way or another, but it's hard to know where to start. I know we as DBers are not supposed to bring up R talks, but at some point this all has to be addressed. I definitely want him to get this new place first so that can be one huge stress off his back, but somehow, then I need to get him to start focusing on us. hmmm...