How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

This is my first time posting anything on the net. Reading Michele's book - "The Divorce Remedy" - and praying hard have kept my head above water, but my situation seems to be deteriorating daily.
I have been married for 14 years, and we've been together for 18 years. We have three children, aged 13, 10 and 7.Around this time last year, my husband seemed at times very irritable, and was away from home more and more frequently, and for longer. He was working very hard, trying to turn a part-time job as a sports instructor into a full-time post, the summer hols are his busiest period and I had just finished a year's very hard work preparing a professional exam myself (I passed with flying colours). So I just put it down to stress, especially as he could also be his old, affectionate self too. He did show signs of great impatience with the children as well as with me.
Then, this winter, he became moodier and moodier, would be hateful at times, then down, then quite normal too. Then, I started to notice that he was slipping off to phone and text in private - in our room, in the toilet... First, he told me not to worry, it was just a friend who needed to talk.but the absolute trust I had always placed in him was shaken.Finally, on the first of March, just after we'd spent a romantic weekend away, he came out with the news that this friend - I know her and have cooked dinner for her and her two children on occasion - had been his lover since june 2009, "on and off", that it had started as her needing a shoulder to cry on during her divorce, then proceeded to sexy text messages and then to a passionate physical relationship.He told me that she gave him "everything he wanted in a woman", but also that he'd seen her for "who she really was" and that she made him jealous. I was very hurt, but as sure then as I am now of the fact that this man is the man of my life, that I would do anything to save my marriage. I immediately told him that I was crushed but willing to forgive, that we had shared too much to just throw everything away for a mistake, that an eight-month affair was worth a lot less than 18 years together. He told me of the affair in such a way as to make it my fault - that I'd been too wrapped up in work to attend to his needs, that I didn't want to make love when he wanted to, that I was difficult to live with in many ways, that he'd been unhappy for a long time and had finally looked elsewhere for comfort. I am easily made to feel guilty, and I saw my faults. I did work late - I was preparing for a gruelling exam while working as a teacher and looking after the children. I did sometimes feel too tense to enjoy sex, even though not always. He's a very impatient person, and had been very preoccupied with work (and other stuff) himself, so it was hard to get conversation out of him, very often. I need to feel relaxed and have talked and laughed at least a little before I'm in the mood, whereas he'd not talk to me all evening, then get angry if I didn't feel like jumping into bed straight away. But we did have a good sex-life, if I can judge by what my sister and friens tell me about frequency. In fact, he came out with all sorts of reasons for his having been driven into this woman's arms. I told him that I would be more attentive to him, that I loved him deeply, that we could get over it, and he agreed. He finished up with her on the following day, and for two months, things seemed to be getting better. Our sex-life took a leap forward, was loving and exciting -at least I thought so - and I lost a lot of weight (stress works better than anything!). He told me I was lovely, was attentive, etc. He seemed down sometimes, told me he couldn't forget her just like that. That hurt, but I told him I understood, that he'd need time, that we'd get through it.He agreed, kept telling me not to worry. I tried my best not to spy and to trust again, but it was hard. We were both also working very hard outside of home, had little time together. I had more free time than he, and seemed to be spending most of it alone with the kids. His full-time post came through, then on the 2nd of May, after a normal weekend, he came home and told me that he was moving into the spare room, that he didn't love me anymore, that he couldn't live with me anymore, that he was going to get legal advice about separation and divorce. I tried to get an explanation out of him, but he just got cold and angry.I begged and pleaded with him to take time over his decision, to take time to "mourn"this affair, but it was like talking to a brick wall.He moved out of our room, and with one exception_ which he afterwards deemed a "mistake" - we haven't made love or even touched since. He has just moved out into a flat about 10km from here. I bought "The Divorce Remedy" this summer, have read it over and over. While he was still around, I tried "cheerleading", "acting as if" and trying to be as cheerful and light as I could under the circumstances. Before I read it, I made a rake of mistakes - tried arguing with him about his feelings, tried writing to him, tried reasoning with him. I only once got angry - I'm a calm person and feel that anger is of no use.He has been consistently cold, hard, critical. He shows a lot of anger towards me, hardly looks at me, won't make eye-contact, is very defensive if I ask even the most ordinary innocent question. He now says he "doesn't know " if this is permanent, needs "time" and "freedom", doesn't love me or desire me. He has denied that the other woman is still in the picture, but I wonder... Our children are very sad, they never saw an argument in this house, always heard their Dad say that we'd never divorce and saw him show me affection and love. He told them about the affair, and in fact the two older ones, my two girls, had suspected something long before I did, as they know and have played regularly with this woman's kids (same age). They now feel that their Dad and this woman "used" them last summer as a pretext to meet, throwing them together by force fairly often, although there was no great affinity between them. They've also seen their father cold and nasty to me, although I remain stoical. My eldest has completely taken against her Dad, refuses to go to his new flat, will hardly speak to him. I've told them 1000 times that they need him and he needs them, that he loves them, but they don't trust or understand him anymore. He seems to have changed utterly. I should say that ever since he turned 40 (he's 42), he's been worried about losing his hair, having wrinkles, getting old.I'm 46, but don't look it - although after this summer, I feel about 100! During the summer, he's bougt lots of new "young", trndy clothes - I saw them as he packed up his stuff to leave. He's always checking himself out in any available mirror, looking at his body in a way he used never do. He used to be happy with himself, physically, at ease. Now he's forever preening like some teenager. Our age difference was never a problem, now he loses no opportunity to let me know that I'm "older".I used to have a weight problem, but he always said he loved my curves. Now I've lost 18kg (about 39lbs), but he looks at me as if I were something the cat brought in, with disdain and distaste. He's left lots of stuff here, comes by almost every day, hasn't officially changed addresses and has made no announcements about his leaving. It's all totally unofficial. This is limbo for me - financially, too - but I want to avoid divorce. He's stopped most contact with his own family, although they were close. He behaves as though mine never existed - they live in another country.

This man was open, loving, happy. I have a photo of him in my wallet, taken 2 years ago. His facial expression has changed totally. He doesn't contact old friends, has a crowd of relatively new friends through his sports activities (including the hairdresser from hell - I mean the OW), several of whom are newly separated and living in "flatland" in town, near his new place. They've all told him divorce is a doddle, children bounce back, you've only one life etc.

I stll love the man I married, and want to save my couple if I can at all. I hardly recognise the person he's become. He acts as if he doesn't care what I feel, is cold and hard.I try my best not to seem down, he comes around to do things and occasionally has a meal here, but he seems to be calling all the shots. He says he doesn't have anyone at present, but is not going to continue like that, and I see that he's "on the make", eyeing up the girls. I'm out of the picture, yet he doesn't know if it's permanent, hasn't drawn a line through our marriage, hasn't made any official moves... I feel as though I'm on "stand-by". Says he wants "time".
It feels like the mid-life crisis met fatal attraction and spawned some kind of monster. I've actually wondered if he was taking some kind of drug. He's going against all we ever shared, as values, denying all he ever held dear. Even his eldest's rejection of him doesn't seem to knock a feather out of him, but he is tense and angry all the time. Now and again, he seems to forget himself, and smiles at me as in the past, or makes a jokey comment to me, then seems to remember where he is now, and the mask goes on again.
I feel all crushed inside, as if I'm no longer a woman at all. I need him and love him, find it hard to believe he can have changed so radically and forgotten all we were to each other. I'm 46, and my body bears the marks of children and breastfeeding, but I'm quite attractive, still. I've just never loked at anyone but him, and he knows it and is taking advantage of it. I've got to be strong for my kids, they need one parent over 18. This is very long, but it has helped a lot to get it off my chest. I want to use Michele's methods, but my friends and family have told me to write my husband off, so no support there. I feel that, strangely, the stronger of the two of us is myself, although I've been a pushover from his point of view. I feel he could snap out of this one fine morning and regret it terribly. I want to be there, stll sane, if possible. So where do I go from here? Your comments will be so welcome. I hope there will be some ositive ones, please! By the way, I live in France ( where I settled on account of this God's gift to womankind ) but come originally from Ireland. Divorces are very common and rather easy here, but no-one seems any the happier after. My husband's family don't approve, but are standing on the sidelines, except for his mum, who is heartbroken and wants me to hold out until hell freezes over.
So that's my story. Thank-you for reading thus far, you've helped just by being there.
NotCrackingUp