Hello, is there any one out there? I'll try to summarize as best I can. After 15 years of marital conflict over needs for affection and lovemaking (me high/her low)including a prior year+ seperation, a woman at work began making a play for me. At first I thought it was innocent flirting. She initially came to me looking for professional advice (we were both attorneys). But soon the phone calls turned personal. Coffee dates turned to lunch breaks, to drinks after work. She called me, emailed me constantly, told me how wonderful/attractive I was and eventually made it plain what she wanted. One night after a few drinks we had a makeout session in her car. I quickly realized my mistake and said no more. But she would persist and the pattern would continue. This went on for about 2 months reaching it's peak when we planned a rendevouse at a professional seminar. I soon realized I couldn't do it and said it was over. She finally seemed to be in agreement. 3 days later her husband appeared at my door after I left for work and told my W that I was having an affair with his wife. I initially denied everything ("we are just friends and professional colleagues") but eventually admitted to becoming emotionally involved and the makeout session. After an extremely tense couple of weeks my W demanded that I move out. I complied and moved out 3 days before Christmas, 2009. Two months later she filed for divorce. I have told her that I do not want a divorce that I still love her and want to keep my family (two boys 15 and 9) together. My W is like a stone and will hear none of it. I have filed an answer to her petition. We have agreed on everything but I have told her that the divorce is her baby and therefore she must draw up the settlement agreement and I will review and sign when all is done. My W is also an attorney. It is now September and nothing more has been done. I asked her recently (while together for my older sons birthday) if her mind was still made up and she responded with a polite "yes" and said nothing more. My head says it is over and I must move on. My heart says never give up. I see lot's of advice here for the cheatee but nothing for the cheater who wants to save his marriage. I am torn between moving on and doing what I can (but what?) to try to save my marriage. Please help me? Final facts for thought. W said if I had been honest up front instead of denying she would have forgiven but now the trust is broken. She reconnected with a college friend in January and now refers to him as her "boyfriend". He lives in the northwest we live in the southeast. Sorry so long.
You're not alone, but you are the minority on this site. Most everyone else has been cheated on and walked out on. I doubt you will get much sympathy here. Of course, you know that you made the bed and now you must lie in it. But it looks like this thing is dragging on and not going anywhere.
I suggest that you ask your wife to go with you to a Retrouvaille weekend. Not for the two of you, but because you have children who deserve to live better than the way the family is now. There are several groups in Florida, and weekends are offered about 4X per year. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for dates and locations. They have at least a 50% success rate at saving marriages. It has worked for me and several other people on this site.
You made a mistake. You don't need to be beat up for it here - you're already catching a brand of hell in real life.
What level of contact do you and W have? How often do the two of you have to be together for the kids? Did y'all ever go to counseling following the A exposure?
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
IWS i guess you are with me...weekend might be a little slow, keep your thread up to the top (ttt) so more people can see it come tomorrow. Your wife sounds just like mine. Stone cold doesnt want to talk if she does its all emotional.. You need to validate what she is saying when you all talk. Have there been any talks? Has she asked for any bounderies?
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
In case you do get the chance to discuss this again with your wife, I thought I would mention some of the things that would bug me and make me think that you were not taking full responsibility for what you did with OW.
After 15 years of marital conflict over needs for affection and lovemaking (me high/her low)including a prior year+ seperation, a woman at work began making a play for me.
So you knew that you were already perhaps more vulnerable to the attentions of another woman. That is a sign to be extra cautious, not less, and make extra efforts to improve your marriage.
But soon the phone calls turned personal. Coffee dates turned to lunch breaks, to drinks after work. She called me, emailed me constantly, told me how wonderful/attractive I was and eventually made it plain what she wanted.
So even when it became clear that this was more than innocent flirting, you kept talking with her and having drinks, instead of putting a stop to it immediately. The moment you find yourself doing something you wouldn't do if your spouse was there, you've crossed the line.
But she would persist and the pattern would continue.
See, this is where you sound like you were the helpless victim of the OW. Doesn't matter how persistent she was, an affair can't happen without your participation. If you had 'persisted' in saying 'no' personal calls, no drinks, etc. she would have stopped trying.
I soon realized I couldn't do it and said it was over. She finally seemed to be in agreement.
You didn't need her 'agreement' for it to be over. 'Over' is something you decide for yourself.
I initially denied everything ("we are just friends and professional colleagues") but eventually admitted to becoming emotionally involved and the makeout session.
Why did you eventually admit to this?
If I were your wife, I would not consider returning to you unless you took full responsibility for your failure to set boundaries with this woman from the git-go with no hint of attempting to transfer responsibility for your actions to OW.
I hope this might help if you get a chance. Good luck.
Thank you all for responding. Not looking for sympathy. Just thought on a site with cheetees trying to save their marriage with a cheater that some hard good advice could be given to a cheater. Thanks Dudess. Lotus thank you for the website I will check it out.
Dudess, I admitted because my W kept asking. I felt if we were going to move on and forward I had to own up. When I did she told me to leave. Any time I have tried to have a heart to heart talk my wife shuts me down. Says it doesn't matter. She's moved on that this was the straw that broke the camels back, I was a horrible husband. So I guess my main question is do I keep trying? My thought is with her mind so set, I should just leave it alone. If we are to ever attempt reconciliation it will have to be initiated by her? Do I pur it all out in a letter?
A stone cold irony...the man who showed up at my door has taken his wife back and are going to counseling to save their marriage!
Try to figure out why you were so weak, so easily involved in an affair. Try to improve yourself, find out what you want out of life; we call that GAL (get a life) around here.
Have you apologized to your wife? Really apologized? Not for the sake of having her forgive you, but to accept responsibility for your actions? Try to put yourself in her shoes; the pain of betrayal is very harsh.
You need to accept responsibility for your actions, and be the man that you should have been for the last 15 years. Perhaps if she sees some substantial changes in you, she might soften her heart. I wouldn't expect it, for some women, infidelity is a dealbreaker.
Your situation really isn't that different than most who are here. Whether you cheated on your spouse, got addicted to computer games, neglected her, were a control freak, etc. you've got a spouse who has decided to say adios to more pain. Maybe look at it like that and use the examples of others who have pioneered some of the best strategies for coping with losing your spouse.
No letters, you need to read the thread letting them go, do it lovingly but any of the stuff you want to do will not work. Notes, heart to heart conversations will not work with someone who states they are done. I have tried it, most of us have, and I dont think i have read one sitch where any of that worked.
Be her friend when she needs one.But dont force it. You guys have kids together?
I'm another cheater/neglecter that's been left (read my sitch below).
1) You need to stop pursuing your wife or taking her temperature about where things stand between the two of you or asking for her back.
2) I suggest reading some books on infidelity to help you empathize better with what your wife is feeling. In your situation, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is especially appropriate and I have also found Don-David Lusterman (Infidelity a Survival Guide) and Intimacy after Infidelity (Solomon and Teagle ?) to be helpful. It also will give you better insight into your responsibility for what happened and how to prevent in future.
3) I agree with what people have said that based on the way you wrote your story, you probably have minimized your responsibility re: the affair to your wife and that has just pissed her off more and more (your W says as much). It is a tough decision as to whether you need to initiate a FULL owning up/responsibility/apology to her in person where you OWN UP to YOUR FULL responsibility for what happened and FOR HURTING HER AND BETRAYING HER. You ask FOR NOTHING in return. You don't ask for her to come back. You simply own up and apologize for hurting her. The problem with initiating it is your W may be too hurt to hear anything about it now or may perceive it as pursuing or may not want to talk about it (and so it is unwelcome). The ideal situation would be if your W brings it up and then you take that opportunity to apologize in real-time admitting that YOU did it, YOU crossed the boundaries, YOU failed to control yourself, SHE did not deserve it, YOU hurt HER. And you are so sorry for doing so and are making amends in your life so that you would not hurt anyone (not her, ANYONE) like that again in the future. Is she still talking about the affair?
4) I suggest you get Divorce Remedy and follow the sections about stopping pursuit/pleading, engaging in 180's in your life and getting a life. Once you have made a full apology to her for your actions, then you need to focus on improving yourself and giving your wife some time/space to see if she cools down and decides she might want to come back.
5) If she expresses desire to work on things, I agree that Retrouvaille and/or MC would be helpful for you guys to get back on track.
I'm in a limbo stage of my situation -- 3 months out. Ambiguous about where things stand in R though appear to be warming. I am CLEARLY, however, in a much better place personally as are my kids regardless of outcome of R and so will you and yours if you embrace the DR tenets.
Best of luck on your journey!
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I am in the same boat. I had an EA and was almost a WAS two years ago where I told my W that LYBNILWY. We reconciled I thought but my W internalized the pain until blowing up July 4th and leaving. I have had no communication from her since.
Like me you are on this site for advice and recommendation and not for a pity party. I know now the pain that I caused my W and realize that I dug my own hole and it will be up to me to dig out. There are some really good people here that have sound advice.
the first thing is to and it has been stated here already is to understand why the A happened. My personal demon is that I have low self esteem so I sought the attention from OW. It also is a root cause for my controlling issues. I am working with an IC to flush out that demaon and others that I may not be aware of.
I also joined a gym and have lost quite a few unwanted pounds, which gives me a goal to achieve as well as helping with my self esteem. As you read the posts you will learn that you have to do things for you. I think they call it GAL.
Because my W internailzed the EA I have never really apologized to her. The vets recommend that I provide full disclosure and apologize to her. I will do this with a letter since I do not know her new phone number. After the letter I will probably do the LRT.
I have read so many posts that I realize the only person that we can control is oursleves. We have to let our W come to us. If I am wrong with this suggestion I hope one of the vets corrects me. So using the LRT I will go dark and allow my W to sort out her feelings by herslef and when the time comes she will contact me. I realize that with children that this may be difficult so I suggest reading as many posts as possible and heeding the advice of the vets
