Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

Ok so I'm going to try to catch up w/everyone. This is gonna be long but since I appreciate each and everyone for reaching out to me, I want to addr it all.

@John28
Thanks for being the voice of the other side. I need all the help there I can get. I do understand that he is in pain and I apologize to him often and repeatedly for doing this to him. I wish I could be happy without causing him pain but right now it's not working out that way. I try to understand and I accept the things he throws at me because I am hurting him and he's entitled to get it out. So far I've been able to handle it, it's hard as hell but I'm doing it and I'm going to keep trying.

As for fear being powerful, I KNOW. It's one my primary emotions right now. I'm trying to squash it to find any other feelings but it's so hard. But I've been living with fear for so long I can't ignore it. So that last part that you said about fear is exactly how I'm feeling. I know you wrote it to tell me how he is feeling but it's what I feel so how do I fix this if both of us are in pure survival mode?

@ AJM
I'm not repulsed by his show of emotions, exactly. I find myself thinking it's just a portion of the pain I've been/through (and yes I'm ducking the 2x4's that are about to be slung my way...but I'm here to be honest). That's part of my confusion, how can I feel contempt for someone I am supposed to love.

I do see the cycle but how do you break it? How do I find the strength/courage to to step back into a burning house.

The privacy thing is not because he thought it was an EA/PA but because he thought it would show him deeper into my head. I've tried to explain that some of the things he found was me purging my brain and trying to figure stuff out. I hadn't shared it with him because I didn't want to hurt him with some of my thoughts until I was sure my reasons/feelings were true. I didn't want to say things emotionally that I would regret. Unfortunately, because of the snooping he was hurt more and choices have been rushed.

@ Greek
I did try to do something small yesterday. I can't even do small things without feeling anxious. The thoughts go something like this--action leads to him wanting more which leads to rejection which leads to pain and finally anger. This is why I tend to do nothing. I just sit and try to make it through the day.

I've been trying to find me. Of course, the little growth I have is under immediate attack and the guilt starts.

@ Sandi
You're right about the forum. But from the minute I dropped the 'bomb' I knew I was going to be a target from almost every direction. I spend alot of time swallowing my pride and feelings because I know alot of things are said in anger and not really at me. It's not to say it doesn't hurt but I expected it. And I've been through so much worse in my life. This feels like the last minefield of my life before happiness so I'm going at it.

The fear is all emotional. He is not physical but all about intimidation. The yelling, belittling and guilt. He won't stop until the tears are going then he wants to act like the sweet prince here to make it all better. Hot 'n Cold has nothing on him and it happens so fast, we all are blindsided. He doesn't get to the kids too often because I'm on constant alert. I've started noticing the anxiety in my kids too and that's when things really started going in my head. I won't let things happen to my kids.

The EA warning is appreciated. I admit that when a guy shows me kindness it does feel so nice but I run. I run so fast its funny. I won't be that girl. I want to be able to say I tried everything and that I did it all the right way. If I end up leaving, it will only be because I just couldn't make this work. And I want to be able to say I did everything I could...no stone left unturned.

I've always been a person that looks for advice because I have never trusted myself. Yes, low self esteem is an understatement. I tend to ask for advice everywhere and then evaluate it all, running things through every which way until I feel like I'm making an educated choice. Being spontaneous isn't something someone will EVER say about me.

@ Pinhead

Thank you so much for your kindness. I needed the validation, not to base my choice on just to let me know I'm not crazy. That other's do go through this. Everyone keeps looking at me like I'm a monster and I know someone out there had to understand. It makes it all the more meaningful to me to know that you are on the other side and can see that I'm not just a selfish B, who is thinking only of herself.

I know it was a long post but I got something from each and everyone of you. It helps more than you know. I'll check back soon and often.

Doodi