New here but learning slowly. Advice appreciated

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for your thoughts Eric. You certainly made me think.

What complaints does your H have about you that you would agree with (or as the saying goes around here “stings”)?

There are a few main things really. The first is selfishness. He felt like everything we did was about me. And he was mostly right. Where he beat HIMSELF up was that he willingly went along with most everything. But he had no end of examples of my selfishness issues. And he was right. When I wanted something, I used whatever tactics necessary (not even consciously) to get what I wanted. Whether it required tears, a carefully designed spreadsheet, promises etc. And I'm not talking about piddly material things. I'm talking about major life changing things like moving cross country or buying an investment property. I forced the issue on those things, I won, and the family often suffered as a result.
Another thing was my openness. I didn't have a large group of friends, I didn't go out for "girls night out" and I didn't particularly enjoy having long chats with family. I suffer from too much pragmatism and in my mind, if I don't have a particular topic to discuss on the phone, I don't need to call that person. What I'm having to teach myself is that family actually CARES to hear the mundane everyday family life stories and likes to just chat every once in a while. D has learned this from me unfortunately, and I'm trying to discuss it with her.
Lastly, my sexuality was a big issue. It was a complaint from day one. He wanted it, I didn't always agree. I've since learned that sex is a man's way of expressing and feeling loved (very different than women's perceptions) and therefore, my H ended up feeling frustrated and unloved a lot of the time

What are you doing for yourself?

I'm working on addressing those issues because he was spot on with all of them. I WAS selfish and I realized, even as it related to my D, that I tended to push her towards what *I* was wanting her to do in school rather than letting her find her own way. I'm working on being more giving in general and have signed up for numerous community volunteer events as well as school events. I work on being more empathetic to others where previously, I tended to have a tough love approach. It's a work in progress.

In regards to my openess, I have worked to strengthen the friendships that I DID have and have scheduled more lunch meetings and chats. I am working on making sure I call my parents more and just as importantly, call HIS parents more. His mother in particular was always REALLY difficult for me to talk to. She was very nice but just had a way of easily getting under my skin and my H knew that I would purposefully avoid her. She noticed and had mentioned to my H at one point that she felt like I didn't really like her. Yet she continues to send D presents and always has a small item in the packages for me. Historically, I'd have H call and thank her for me but he's not here anymore. So I've started doing it and stopped rushing the conversations. As a result, I had a very nice chat with her the other day that made ME feel good and I know it made her feel happy.
In regards to sexuality, obviously, I can't address some of those issues right now. But I have tried to address some of the underlying reasons. I don't think I ever felt like I grew up. I always felt weird being called a "woman" because I think in my mind I was still a little girl. And that makes it hard to feel sexy and/or BE sexy for your spouse. As an example, I NEVER disrobed in front of him because for some reason, it was too embarassing. Don't get me wrong, we'd shower together and of course have sex every so often. But the ACT of disrobing was very bothersome for me. So I've decided to try and address my issues head on in an unusual way (but one that I hope is effective). I've signed up for pole dancing classes which start next month. In addition to knowing its a good workout, I know it'll totally take me out of my comfort zone mentally and I think that's a good thing. I don't plan on switching careers (LOL!) but I hope this will help me kind of identify with my inner sensuality which MUST be there. [/quote]

What are some of your dreams?

My dreams mostly revolve around seeing the world. Traveling. That's a bit difficult right now given the economy, but a good friend of mine is moving to the DC area and has offered her spare room if we want to go visit. I've never been there and plan to take her up on her offer.

Outside of being a vet, who the heck is ALB? Oh and for the record I have a golden doodle…any health problems that you know off? Just askin 

I don't know what you mean about health problems. Are you meaning him or me? I don't really have any health problems. Who am I? I'm pretty secure in who I am. I'm a musician, a music lover, a vet, a mother, a triathlete, an adventure lover, a nature lover, funny, intelligent, a skeptic, perfectionist at times, an avid reader, love to needlepoint, secret sci fi show fan, etc. I get the sense that because I don't post about who I am that I am somehow not secure in myself. I would say the reverse. I am confident in who I am and who what I am string to improve and therefore would rather post about the issues that I am still working hard on resolving.

I noticed that your H had an affair 10 years ago. If my math is correct (and I suck at math), then you were married to him when he had this affair. Why did your H have an affair the first time? Why only 5 years into the M? Why did you take him back after the affair?

The affair took place during my veterinary internship which was a very difficult time. I was gone almost all of the time working. We had just moved to a new town and my D was 5. My H therefore was plopped down in a new town with no friends, his wife was gone almost always 7 days a week and his D went off to school. He was very lonely. I was too busy loving my new career to notice and felt hurt and offended when he didn't care to hear about my stories or offer solace about my tiredness. He became withdrawn and then, after finding some emails of his, I realized what was happening and flipped out. After flipping out, I discovered the "Lovebusters" books and realized that I had a great deal of blame in his affair. It didn't make the affair OK, but I certainly saw my part in it (which at the time I thought had mostly to do with time). I took him back because he had great shame and repentence for what he did and wanted to make the M work. It took some work but I think the M was much stronger after that. However, my misperception about the time issue may have eventually led to some problems since I think the sex issue was also a factor even back then but I didn't consider it.

Your post sound very strong – but what I see is a woman who does not really want to let go of her H just yet. I see a woman who feels like she can some how get him to see what he is dealing with. A woman who just wants to control the sitch a bit. A woman who maybe can help her H…just this little bit – to get what she wants back – her H.

I understand what you're saying. And I wouldn't necessarily disagree with you. But I don't agree completely. Yes, I certainly want my H back. I don't see that I'm doing anything to try to control him. The decisions that I've made I've made because they are what *I* felt I needed to do for MYSELF. Do I think I can get him to somehow see what he's dealing with? Perhaps. The general rule of thumb is that most MLCers don't want to know. But after seeing my H seemingly searching for answers, I felt like I would be betraying myself if I didn't at least put it out there for him. I don't think this is a foreign idea. There are a few MLCers that have the where-with-all to figure out what might be going on. I don't expect it to shorten anything in terms of a timeline and I don't know that he'll be ever return to the M. Heck, I don't know that he'll agree with anything he read. But *I* feel complete because I know that when he was searching for answers, I did what I felt like I should do. And again, I know this is TOTALLY contrary to the general rule of thumb and I know that mentioning MLC to the MLCer usually works AGAINST most spouses.

I see a woman who believes that her H is different.

I absolutely think he is different. Just like every one else. All our spouses are unique and act in different ways. That's why , while I feel that rules of thumb are important, I also feel its important to treat each situation individually.

I see a woman who is scared.

Totaly scared. No doubt. Scared about the future, scared about finances, scared for my daughter. But I'm trying to use that as motivation to address the issues and move forward. I find it motivating.

I also see a person that may have lost herself. I see a woman who goes along with whatever her H says. H wants to go out and eat..well ALB will say fine. H wants to come over and see D…ALB will say fine. H wants to do this or do that…ALB will say fine. Whatever H wants…well H gets – usually ‘cause Alb is fine with it. Even though he is a two time cheating spouse.

I found this part interesting. Isn't dealing with MLC about finding yourself? Why would you think I'm lost? When H wants to go out to eat (always with D) I say yes when we have no plans and because I am glad that D can spend the time with her father. I, on a personal level, enjoy our meals and I know my D does because she's told me so many times. When we have plans or have already eaten or whatever, I let him know. Are you suggesting that "finding" myself necessarily includes saying NO more often even if we haven't eaten and D and I would both enjoy the meal?

Alb…have you ever defended yourself? If the answer is not really – well now is a good time for Alb to starting doing so.

I've spent WAY too much time defending myself. That's my problem. I was too selfish, too defensive. I've spent my whole M defending myself and getting what I wanted. Before I realized this was MLC, I was all about ultimatums and "if you do this then I'm gonna blah blah blah". But I came to a realization after one of those events that it wasn't doing me ANY good, was only pushing him away further, and wasn't doing ME any good either. So I've been learning to let go. To let him do what he chooses because even if I disagree, it really doesn't matter right now anyhow. Forgive me Eric, I'm not trying to start an argument here, but I fail to understand what I'd be defending myself AGAINST? The OW? I've not confirmed that 100% and even so, as you stated, nothing I say would change the situation. All it might do is cause him to lie more, perhaps run more, and possibly end up having less contact with D. No, my job is not to work on the relationship between H and D. But my job is also not to make it worse for no reason. I feel fortunate that my H has not yet run off to some other town. I say yet because OW lives in the midwest and I can see at some point that he may choose to do so. But while he's here, I don't feel it is in any way demeaning of me to continue to have contact with him. In my situation, NC was kind of the norm. I didn't say much or talk about much because I kind of felt like if he really cared or wanted to know, he should be asking me. And even though I chose to go NC and only respond if he texts or emails me about D, he CONTINUED to email me links to funny shows or book recommendations or whatever. To NOT let him know what I thought about the links or his email would have been to continue to be what I was in the past. Something I'm working to remedy. So forgive me Eric, if it's not the way you would choose to live your life, but I find I'm feeling more and more like ME when I do this.

The ring….your last comment on that post was interesting…”we’ll see what happens”. Did you decide to put the ring back on because you think he will see and change his mind? Were you trying to control him…just a little….little bit?

Actually completely the opposite which is what I stated in my post if you read it. I took my ring off in anger once I saw he wasn't wearing it. But as a result, I feel like a fraud. I'm standing for my M. I realize he is not. That doesn't mean I SHOULDN'T wear it if I choose to. The main reason I vacilated on whether to do so or not was that I'm trying to avoid all R talk. I worried that him noticing my ring might lead to that or cause him to run. If anything DOES come of me wearing my ring again, it would most certainly NOT be good. I did this for ME. I don't see how this is any different than any of us stopping ourselves from doing other things that may just make the situation worse. No, we can't fix the M. No, we can' make them snap out of it. But we can ABSOLUTELY make things worse. And that was what I was trying to avoid.

Alb – you can read every book in the world about MLC, you can surf the web all you want…you can try and understand your H, which for the record is a good thing, but what you cannot do is try and control your H.

Couldn't agree with you more