Just observing the changes

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas and Rabbit,

Another update.....

H asked me on Friday if I would meet him to discuss our issues. I said "yes, where and when"? He replied "anytime I have all afternoon".
That was around 1:00, I finished working at 4:30 had banking to do then sent H a txt: "I am finished at the bank I can meet you at the shop" (our jointly owned business), to which he replied "OK". This was interesting to me because "the shop" is generally taboo to me. I do not freely go there. H does not freely have me there. That has become OW territory. I arrived at 5:04, the new secretary was there and he introduced us, once again a bit wierd since he has kept it quite guarded as to the reason he has a new secretary. (I know the whole story, it's ugly, the OW drove the old secretary away)

Anyways....H was relaxed, asked How I was, secretary was there for another half hour so we chatted about business and he took a phone call. I tried to appear relaxed even though my heart was racing out of control and I felt ill. OH, he picked a day I was dressed to the nines anyway so that was good for me !!

Onward....H and I chatted about trivia for 2 1/4 hours. He gave me a tour of the building showing me some newly acquired things. Back in his office he mentioned the reason for the visit. I asked him what he wanted. His mantra hasn't changed, he still doesn't know.

I told him that the reason we separated in the first place was because I had become mean and selfish and failed to recognize the destruction I was causing and refused to listen to him, family and friends that I was in a bad downward spiral. When I woke up to facts he was already gone and I then scrambled to recover what I loved and lost. I have spent the last 5 years standing for our marriage because I love him and believe in "us"and want more than anything to have my family back together again. I told him we are good people and have so much to lose if we follow through with a D.

He admitted that If I had not gone through such a prolonged depression that he would not have left and we would still be together today.

He went on to say that he sees three choices before him:

TAKE THE EASY PATH (which is to return to the marriage and work it out and be content with that choice, which he added I could easily do that. He also said that at 47 yrs old he would have everything he wants: a wife, son, dog, home, business, success, wealth in tact. He said who wouldn't want that, it's the American dream, I don't want to be single at 47 years old.)

TAKE THE HARD PATH (which is to end the marriage in divorce to which he added will place him in a great deal of debt. He will be single and have to start all over. He assumed that he will lose everything at that point, only have his son occasionally and hopefully business. He said he is homeless and at 47 does not want to be homeless. He said he has lived at the garage and in his truck for 5 years, he doesn't like it anymore. He said D is not what he has wanted and has fought hard himself against it, however he said this is the path I usually take in other situations.)

WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE (which he added is where he is stumped, he does not know what needs to be done. He is afraid to make the wrong choice, he wishes there was a way to know for sure, He added that he does not ask the advice of others. He said if he could figure this out this is what he wold do regardless.)

My reply was that his choice is all about me and where he sees me. I said after hearing him I felt that he would take the easy path, if I were not on it. I said he will probably take the hard path, because of me. I said that I think he knows "what needs to be done." I told him that I was so sorry for the destruction and pain I caused and that I feel he has not been able to forgive me for that. I told him what I did was not heinous or adulterous and that I had recovered from my mental state at that time and that things all around me were good again and that I deserved to be forgiven. I told him that I know we could all be very happy together and that it will be a very sad thing for all of us if he chooses to divorce us.

For the most part H was nervous during the visit, kept looking at the clock, I brought up the OW and asked if she was on her way. He replied she shows up at anytime always unannounced. Mentioned to me I should go. I kind of lost it here a bit. I told him she was confrontational. I told him that I was his wife and that I should be the one who stays in my own building. He should call her and tell her he doesn't want her there and that she can't come there. He agreed she was very confrontational about everything he also adnitted that she fights with him constantly generally every 2-3 weeks and then goes through a nonspeaking to him spell. She is very immature.

I think H is going to take the Hard Path and the Path That Needs To Be Done in his opinion = Divorce.

Anyway ladies, I have ranted long enough...I left quietly after that. Simply said "I am leaving, see you later."

1/2 hour later he called son to go to work with him yesterday, Son said yes. I think my son wants a relationship with him. For about 5 months now, son goes with him when invited.

H brought son back at about 4:30 yesterday and I was dressed in a denim skirt with a navy blue tank top and silver jewelry, strappy sandals. I don't think I got one look from H. I felt the air was thick with tension between us. It was obviously uncomfortable. Son said he noticed and thought to himself "she is really trying to look pretty for dad." He thought I overdid it and it was obvious and I shouldn't have. He also noticed the tension. H stayed for about an hour. Thanked son for his help and told me I'll see you later.

I fell apart after he left.....

Thank you both for listening....I don't want my own thread back right now, thanks Cas for letting me vent here.

I'm so sad, (((hugs to you Cas and Rabbit)))

Sanderika