Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[newmama]

Piano, I didn't get the sense that your WH has permanently MOVED ON. You KNOW their "relationship" is not going to last! But he has moved on for unknown amount of time....

I can totally see what you mean here and I have to agree:

But a bigger part of me thinks he just wants me to accept this as the status quo and actually that he's happy as a pig in sh*t:

+ Is now a Father, with capitol 'F'; and a much better one than his own. Paying me child support eventually will be a pleasure because it will asuage his guilt and increase his feelings of ownership/investment
+ Has the woman of his dreams
+ Is now living again in the city with his best childhood friends and one or two adored family members
+ Is back living in the country/city of his origins and his dream city
+ Is on the cusp of getting a job in the industry of his dreams in the city of his dreams
+ Has no responsibilities. Free! Young again! New love!

Status quo...reflects CURRENT not future.

ESCAPE is the name of the game here. Shirking his responsibilities, being cowardly, running away. All the cheaters do it! grrrrr!

You won't be able to detach if your WH keeps emailing you like that...I like G's idea of having someone else be the "messenger" about news on your D. I tell you, Piano, that if stbxh moved halfway across the world, I would not have done ANY Dbing and would not have acted at all like the way I did. Just saying because I don't want you to worry that you shouldn't be acting angry or pushing him out or something...it is FAIR and expected that you don't want anything to do with him.

[Babydoll]

NM,
Thank God I have bub to kiss n cuddle.

Isn't she just the most precious gift!!!!!

What I hear in that email, P, is guilt and a tinge of missing you. Seriously. I know it sounds distant to you, but he is telling you a lot more than he needs to.

Omy goodness yes! Could it be... Your H is finally getting a dose of reality!!! Good!

Does he seriously think you and he will be pals exchanging emails and letters?! I think these WAS are so scared to reach back... Whether for R or to simply test the waterss or even just to apologize and yet when they do w/ something like this our reaction is always... How the heck dare he think this is ok!

[Babydoll]

[/quote]

G, do you remember the story from Babydoll's thread about the old woman who told her that her husband had run off for 3 years? They eventually reconciled... I believe they had kids...

I bet she wasn't a nasty pasty in that time to her WH (although she mighta been if there was an OW!!!).

I don't recall OW in her sitch, but she was all about look your best feel your best be your best, create an environment where WH would want to come home to sort of thing...

[Quote\] I don't have much respect for WH right now so maybe I don't care about earning his respect, but if there is EVER to be reconcilliation (and I beleive there isn't) then there has to be respect there...

Comes when you are ready! And when you are ready to forgive. I felt the same way. They have to earn it all over again!


[Quote\] I guess I am asking for lessons in how to walk the HIGH ROAD cos I've never done it before in my life. Better buy some books on Ghandi and read up![/quote]
Funny you mention Ghandi, Mort Fertel had an enitre email dedicated to "be the change you wish to see". Its on my thread. This was what finally hit home for me. Now I know my sitch is different and there is no OW involved and I may just do things differently, I don't hold grudges, but why not give it a whirl! I found that my angry phase consumed my life with such hatred, and sadness, constant crying, feelings of betrayel... I can go on and on... So for me forgiveness came quite early. I forgave WH. Partially because I needed to for closure, felt better to me and allowed me to fully understand and accept that his leaving had mainly to do with himself not so much us. I also didn't like the bitter person I was becoming. But we all have different ways of healing and timing will vary. And as MWD says forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. You will know the right time.

[Babydoll]

HAHAHAHA. Well Piano, my stupid looking post should add some laughter to your day! That's what I get for replying on my phone while holding the baby!
Soryy! Hope it makes sense! Hugs...

[newmama]

I think maybe it's more like your H feels guilty...which is more like he feels sorry for himself. My mom explained this to me long ago but I thought it was good! I thought it meant if he felt guilty then he would realize it was wrong and then end it.
No. The guilt is from knowing it's wrong but not wanting to end it (at this time).


I just don't feel sorry for WASs at all! They are selfish!

And when there is an OW involved, I think it makes matters even more selfish.

[Piano]

NM, thanks for clarifying that. When I used to criticise the A, WH would say "what's done is done", and I would say "yeah, so why do you KEEP ON DOING IT?". He didn't like that.

Anyway, enough talk of the past.
Babydoll you are right, blaming WH is not helpful to the DB process.

I have an opportunity to make a fresh start in my communications with WH. Distance is going to make it easier for me to control my feelings and start using my brain a bit more.

I'll be replying to WH tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Because I want to be able to say that "tomorrow bub and I are taking a plane up north for a holiday". I know it seems desperate, but it's an opp to make him curious. I'll keep it brief. Reply to his Q's about bub's health, and I'll use the opportunity to enforce the boundary where I ask him to refrain sending me the letters for bub.

[Piano]

Want to make it clear that I am trying to get past the current 'hostilities' with WH.

I know he is being 'nice' to me only because it's via me that he gets information about bub.

I suspect if bub didn't exist I would never hear from him, only to tie up financials.

I realised the other day I drew up a list of things which made WH's situation look great. But the flip side to all those positives are this:

+ WH has no money, no job.
+ WH is presumably living in a crammed studio with OW in a really boring part of town (outside the city walls)
+ WH's relationship with almost everyone must be on shakey ground since our friends and family are obviously very upset by what he has done
+ he is 17,000 kms away from his newborn baby.

NOT a pretty picture.

Time to shine the light back... but make changes for ME, and my probable future life without him, and not for WH.

[Piano]

Stupid to wait. Sent the email.

[Seeing Red]

Piano,

I think everyone's hit the nail on the head - he's feeling guilty and he's trying to keep you in his life. If he wanted to end it, you wouldn't have heard from him twice in as many weeks.

I saw a movie trailer yesterday where the main character told his friend that the last time he saw or heard from his dad was in 1978. His father loaded two suitcases in his car, told him "Bye" (he was about 10 at the time), got in his car and drove away. That was it. He never saw him again.

Seeing that really hit home for me. Cake eaters don't do that. They're cowards, they don't have the balls. No drawing a line in the sand, no burning bridges. Instead, they juggle balls and keep everyone topsy-turvy while they pursue the best of both worlds. It's VERY destructive to everyone involved.

You gotta hate that movie character's father. What a jerk! But at least you know where you stand and can move on. With a cake-eating WAS, you can't. They don't slam the door and lock it. They leave it ajar.

So yes, give your WH a brusque reply and tell him not to contact you again. If YOU lock the door on HIM, he's gonna panic and want back in...

[fullmoon]

If YOU lock the door on HIM,

P, did you get the stuff that you needed off him/his country?

Gotta remember that before you burn the bridges... if you do.