Hi I'm new here and looking for a little direction. Married for 10.5 years with two children and my husband said a couple of months ago that he wanted our relationship to be like it was before. What I didn't know when he said this that he had felt like this for the the last 4 years. When We would have an argument I would threaten to leave and it kept pushing him farther away from me each time.It built up for so long that he had built a wall against me and had been thinking our marriage was over for several months before I knew he felt this way. I there is definitely an OW that is at the very least an EA , but possible PA. He maintains he was only talking to her about our marriage because she noticed something was wrong with him. They are co-workers. When I first discovered that he was talking/texting her he said that he was trying to figure out how to tell me that he wanted out. He thought he might have feelings for her, but she said no way because she didn't want to be the reason the marriage ended. On the night he told me this two months ago I truly thought our marriage was over. i left for a few hours to get a grip on what he was telling me and when i returned he asked me what we it would mean to work on the marriage and I said that I would work on figuring out how to stop "running" in conflict and that obviously we need to figure out how to communicate and I would find a therapist for us. He agreed that he would work on the marriage because of the way I felt about him. He didn't realize that I still loved him until we talked that night. For about a month everything seemed great. We were talking, we were intimate, he was telling me he loved me everyday and he was spending more time at home with me and our daughters. We went on our annual family vacation and I'm not really sure what happened to change his attitude, but after we returned home he started to become distant and more like he was a few weeks before. I tried talking to him about it, but he insisted that he didn't understand where my concerns were coming from. a few days later i asked again and he said tht he feels bad, he's tried really hard, but he didn't feel the love we had before and to be with me he really needs to feel that way to stay married. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave or not. In the weeks that followed it has been a lot of him pulling away and distancing himself from me, less intimacy, not answering phone calls or texts, him staying away at night until the early hours of the morning, and lots of ambivalence about him trying (because he's there) or him leaving (because he doesn't know if he is staying). I have acted completely irrational the last three weeks, lots of begging and continually professing my love, lots of questions about why he feels this way and lots of very heated, emotional and irrational arguments that have mentioned either me leaving or him leaving several times. He finally agreed to go to therapy this week, but he wanted to go to an individual session. I gave him my session on Monday and the therapist suggested to him we all meet this week, she called me to set up the appointment. The early morning hours before our appointment I was very anxious and not able to sleep. He woke up when I woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn't think I wanted to go to therapy and I was feeling like this based on the therapist calling me to say she wanted me to have an individual session at the end of the week to begin to deal with what might happen at our couples session. He was very honest and said that he told her he was leaving me and he wanted out of the marriage. I struggled very hard that day, he insisted on trying to comfort me and I asked him not to and he wouldn't leave after he told me because he "didn't have a place to go", he held me while I cried and begged him not to go for over an hour and we ML, although I had to stop him because I was so confused and crying that I started feeling like I was going insane. He insists that he is not trying any longer and he is finished with the marriage. He came back and slept (different rooms) in our home the night he told me this. I got him to agree not to tell the children until we both knew exactly what to say and when we could have answers for them. We agreed that we should do a couple of therapy sessions with a new therapist to help us answer the girls questions. We agreed to tell them he was working late/overnight. I believe that he's staying with his parents, but he has not taken anything with him from the home. The night he spent in the home I left with the children by 8am and he stayed until early afternoon. He put away all of his clean laundry and put his dirty laundry in the hamper. He texted me the next day to ask if he could come by and shower/change. He wanted to do something with the girls this weekend and I told him he could stay at the house and I would visit a friend. I'm at a loss right now as what I should and should not do. He was asking me very often if I was ok and if I needed anything and I am trying not to be needy because I do want him to comfort me. I keep saying I'm ok and being very vague about my feelings. I don't know when he plans on "leaving" he hasn't taken anything. He started talking to the OW again, a few times in the last couple of days. Not sure if he's seeing her outside of work. He has stopped texting me with questions about me, it's all about the children now & I was trying very hard to make everything about the children the last few days. Please help so I can do the most productive things to keep him interested in the family and the marriage. We still have not made plans or scheduled a therapist yet to discuss talking to the girls. He has a very strong love for me and he cares about me very deeply. We have a very strong physical intimacy between us. BTW, on our vacation we, as a family, had a very traumatizing experience. Completely on accident, our 8 yr old daughter ran over our 12 yr old daughter with a golf cart at about 10 miles per hour. Both my husband and I witnessed this and we were all in the hospital for several hours before we knew she had not sustained severe injuries. She was admitted to the hospital. We were very fortunate, but I know for me I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that she could have easily been killed right in front of us and we could do nothing to stop it.
