Superhuman self esteem is a inside job. How does Rob value himself? How does he talk to himself? Was he willing to change his thinking, actions, feelings, and beliefs? He's still Rob but a better man than he was. Confident and can laugh at himself. Take a stand then change his mind and say sorry you were right. Find your voice, I see it starting to emerge from you guys.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My wife and I were up early in bed; neither of us could sleep well. She said she's so afraid of letting me down (by not falling back in love); that she doesn't know how to rekindle the romance. She said that I've changed so much, that now I'm "alive," that I'm such a different person than two months ago.
She also said that she's afraid we'll both find a way back to our old habits/patterns. I think that without the spark of romance returning, that's the least of our worries.
Other than being a cat whisperer, and recognizing her LLs, does anyone have any tips?
We talked about our date, and she said it was really too early; that she had agreed in an attempt to make me happy. She's been trying that for so long, trying to make me happy instead of herself.
She was also being critical of herself, and I validated it a bit, but also said that despite the Bomb, she had been the nicest and most compassionate since then I've seen since I've know her. She said I was being very nice too, and that was important to her.
I mentioned that I didn't want to get caught in the "friendship" trap, but she thought that being good, caring friends was the start to any healthy relationship. In many ways I agree, but I don't want her thinking of me as her friend. I'm her husband, and she's my wife.
She's also confused about my desire for touch. I was never a touchy guy before, but now, I could hold her or cuddle forever. Yet another 180...
Had a good day. Made the family breakfast, went to the library together, then home for lunch. Both the wife and I worked on our tans while the girls played in the sprinklers with their friends. Beautiful day.
Went shopping for new jeans, and found that I've dropped 4 inches off my waist. First time in 20 years I've been wearing a 34" waist. Jeans look great, grabbed a belt that looks good, and when I came home, W wanted to see them on me, said they looked really good.
Made dinner for everyone, and these family dinners at the dining room table have become really important for us. Should have done them years ago, but we got lazy/sloppy.
Wife headed into work to catch a few more hours, so I've got the night mostly to myself with our daughters asleep. Quiet in the house. I need to learn how to handle that better.
Oh, fascinating thing happened while I was cooking. I had taken the 5 love languages quiz, because I couldn't remember both of my highest rated languages. When I was done, I asked W if she wanted to do it, and she said sure. Now I know that we've both changed not only since marriage, but since the Bomb as well, but my wife is completely different than I expected.
Her primary LL is Words of Affirmation (mine too) and Acts of Service is the second. I would have thought she'd rank Quality Time higher. The interesting thing was seeing her answers to individual questions. She said that she answered this with how she was feeling today.
And shocking me out of my gourd was her choosing "I love to hear my husband say he loves me." followed by "My husband tells me I look good, and I like that," as well as "I love hearing my husband tell me that he missed me."
For a cretin like me, her answers were eye-opening. Some of them go directly against DB/DR advice, so I have to be careful not to read too much into them, but it's important to know what your spouse needs. They may not be able, ready or willing to receive their LL, but you sure as [censored] better not be doing the wrong thing.
For example, my 2nd LL is (no surprise for a guy) Physical touch. Yet my wife scored it lowest, with 1. So all my urges to hold her hands and more are purely selfish right now, doing more damage than anything else I could do. However, my first is the same as hers, Words of Affirmation. And that's why we're getting along so well. We're humming the same tune, now just to get in the same key.
My wife and I were up early in bed; neither of us could sleep well. She said she's so afraid of letting me down (by not falling back in love); that she doesn't know how to rekindle the romance. She said that I've changed so much, that now I'm "alive," that I'm such a different person than two months ago.
She also said that she's afraid we'll both find a way back to our old habits/patterns. I think that without the spark of romance returning, that's the least of our worries.
Other than being a cat whisperer, and recognizing her LLs, does anyone have any tips?
Have you asked her to go to a Retrouvaille weekend? Why live in fear of what might or might not happen when you can go and learn to communicate in a way that will meet both of your needs? You'd be surprised how many sparks are ignited when spouses feel that the other person really cares about and considers their needs and desires.
