Newer Game- Moving Forward

[steady]

I should have known better but I couldn't help myself.
I was aware of this possibility and my curiosity to see "something working" over-ruled my "but if you're wrong".

So, today my brain is obsessing over the unknown. The unknown that I confirmed last night in the pursuit of "knowing"

This is why I posted this Slippery Slope a few pages back.

Now I'm going to let you re-live this:

We'll See...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

"We'll see," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

"We'll see," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

"We'll see," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

"We'll see" said the farmer.

That is what you are trying to achieve. That is detachment from the outcome - because, ultimately we have NO FREAKIN IDEA what anything really means and how it fits in to the BIGGER PICTURE.

That story is about - the fact we have no control, the fact we don't understand what one thing will lead to, this farmer does not label anything 'good' or 'bad' like the other villagers do. That's why he is at peace. He accepts things exactly as they are and doesn't try to do the IMPOSSIBLE - trying to guess what the future is and how present events will affect the future.

In essence, when you look at it, it is the only reality there is. We don't know, but we spend the majority of our time/mind/thoughts trying to figure out something that is not possible to figure out. That's utter insanity. Yet even knowing the, we do it anyway. (I'm guilty as charged)

Let me give you a scenario CD. Do you know long distance relationships last longer because the people don't live together? Do you know when people don't live together it takes longer before their conflicting issues come out and begin to collide. What if they did move in together? You claim it's a step away, how do you know?

Maybe it is the very thing that's necessary in order to accelerate the destruction of the A. Maybe not. The point is this - YOU DON'T KNOW. But you'll pretend to know, you'll think you know, you'll even say, well I don't know, but in your mind, you'll think you know.

I went into town to see if my "hunch" about W and OM living apart was right. i.e. W was living with mom or a friend. Well, none of the above so now my brain is on:
-so where is she?
-did they get a place together?
-this is a step away from me rather than a step toward

See above

Stupid.
But I HAD to look.
Frikkin' "hope"
Why?
Just dumb.

Human nature. In our quest to 'know' we mistakenly believe if we only have enough of the 'facts' we can guess the future correctly. We are totally ignorant to believe we can do this.

Now feeling I am nowhere near the level of detachment and letting go I need to be at.

It served its purpose. To show you more work is needed.

Take the 'We'll See' story and print it out. Put it somewhere you will see it a lot. Make it your freakin screen saver. Make it in small font and put it in your wallet. It's exactly what I'm going to do after I reply to you. I suggest you do the same.

Question: Why do I usually think that letting go means I'm done?
What am I missing and is THAT what's holding me back here?

Letting go means being indifferent to the outcome. It means we stop assigning meaning to what the other person is doing. We stop trying to guess 'toward me' and 'away from me' meaning to their words and actions.

We stop wondering what they're up to, what they're thinking, what they're feeling, why they did _________ - and what does it mean that they said ______ and did ________ ?

It doesn't mean you're done. But then again it does. You're done wondering, you're done trying to guess, you're done trying to figure out something that is impossible to figure out. There are no crystal balls, and there's not a person on this board who can tell you what tomorrow holds.

Take no thought for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.

Every time I find myself thinking about what she is doing, I get frustrated and resentful. Disappointed and disgusted with her which leads me to "I don't deserve this and I don't want you back"

Of course you do. Because you frame everything in a way which causes you to feel that way. You could just as easily frame it in a way that makes you feel completely opposite.

But the ultimate goal - Don't frame it at all.

Two men. They're wives are leaving them. Guy 1 hates his wife so he's happy she is leaving. Guy 2 loves his W and is unhappy she is leaving. Same event, two different meanings based on a perspective of meaning. Guy 1 dates for 3 years and ends up finding his W was the best woman for him so he is unhappy his W left him. Guy 2 meets a woman who is perfect for him. He's happy his W left him now. I can type this story on forever...

But when I see evidence of "the squirrel" peeking out I'm all attracted to it again.

What evidence of this have you seen? I haven't seen any evidence of anything. When people tell you there is a crack, she's turning, she's this, she's that, that means _____, ignore it. They have no idea what it means.

Is this all about me in the wrong way?

Is it?

Why do I want her back? So that this isn't a failure? So I don't have to divorce and start over?

Search your heart and figure this out. Why do you want her back?

Do I see the D as a "judgement" about me?

Probably. You are still defining yourself based on the approval of others - specifically her. If she comes back she will validate you as being good.

You are aiming for self validation regardless of the opinions of others. When you reach that point you won't have the above question anymore.

Would she even be capable of the work this is gong to require?

No one can answer this question. I think she is capable of it. I think everyone is capable of it if they can overcome the issues that keep them from looking.

This running away to another person is a pattern so will it simply just happen again when she feels unhappy or changes her mind?

Is it her pattern? Was it the pattern which brought her to you? If it is her pattern, then yes, she will continue to do it until she figures out and corrects whatever it is INSIDE HER which is running this program/pattern.

This is also a pattern for me. This is 4 in a row of "straight to another".4 for 4. Whoever I was, even as the attractive bait, is clearly unhealthy for me.

So, now we have something to work on about you. Is this your pattern? If it is then why do you pick women who will ultimately abandon you for someone else? What pattern did you learn which you are now reliving over and over again. Yes, the pattern will keep going until you figure this out and fix it.

I believe everything I wrote above. It's what I am working towards. It is a simple goal which seems to be so very hard to achieve. We have spent our whole lives wanting to know the future and have ingrained in us a mode of thinking and behaving which needs to be taken out and discarded.

Simple but not easy.