Newer Game- Moving Forward

[steady]

I should have known better but I couldn't help myself.
I was aware of this possibility and my curiosity to see "something working" over-ruled my "but if you're wrong".

So, today my brain is obsessing over the unknown. The unknown that I confirmed last night in the pursuit of "knowing"

This is why I posted this Slippery Slope a few pages back.

Now I'm going to let you re-live this:

We'll See...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

"We'll see," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

"We'll see," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

"We'll see," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

"We'll see" said the farmer.

That is what you are trying to achieve. That is detachment from the outcome - because, ultimately we have NO FREAKIN IDEA what anything really means and how it fits in to the BIGGER PICTURE.

That story is about - the fact we have no control, the fact we don't understand what one thing will lead to, this farmer does not label anything 'good' or 'bad' like the other villagers do. That's why he is at peace. He accepts things exactly as they are and doesn't try to do the IMPOSSIBLE - trying to guess what the future is and how present events will affect the future.

In essence, when you look at it, it is the only reality there is. We don't know, but we spend the majority of our time/mind/thoughts trying to figure out something that is not possible to figure out. That's utter insanity. Yet even knowing the, we do it anyway. (I'm guilty as charged)

Let me give you a scenario CD. Do you know long distance relationships last longer because the people don't live together? Do you know when people don't live together it takes longer before their conflicting issues come out and begin to collide. What if they did move in together? You claim it's a step away, how do you know?

Maybe it is the very thing that's necessary in order to accelerate the destruction of the A. Maybe not. The point is this - YOU DON'T KNOW. But you'll pretend to know, you'll think you know, you'll even say, well I don't know, but in your mind, you'll think you know.

I went into town to see if my "hunch" about W and OM living apart was right. i.e. W was living with mom or a friend. Well, none of the above so now my brain is on:
-so where is she?
-did they get a place together?
-this is a step away from me rather than a step toward

See above

Stupid.
But I HAD to look.
Frikkin' "hope"
Why?
Just dumb.

Human nature. In our quest to 'know' we mistakenly believe if we only have enough of the 'facts' we can guess the future correctly. We are totally ignorant to believe we can do this.

Now feeling I am nowhere near the level of detachment and letting go I need to be at.

It served its purpose. To show you more work is needed.

Take the 'We'll See' story and print it out. Put it somewhere you will see it a lot. Make it your freakin screen saver. Make it in small font and put it in your wallet. It's exactly what I'm going to do after I reply to you. I suggest you do the same.

Question: Why do I usually think that letting go means I'm done?
What am I missing and is THAT what's holding me back here?

Letting go means being indifferent to the outcome. It means we stop assigning meaning to what the other person is doing. We stop trying to guess 'toward me' and 'away from me' meaning to their words and actions.

We stop wondering what they're up to, what they're thinking, what they're feeling, why they did _________ - and what does it mean that they said ______ and did ________ ?

It doesn't mean you're done. But then again it does. You're done wondering, you're done trying to guess, you're done trying to figure out something that is impossible to figure out. There are no crystal balls, and there's not a person on this board who can tell you what tomorrow holds.

Take no thought for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.

Every time I find myself thinking about what she is doing, I get frustrated and resentful. Disappointed and disgusted with her which leads me to "I don't deserve this and I don't want you back"

Of course you do. Because you frame everything in a way which causes you to feel that way. You could just as easily frame it in a way that makes you feel completely opposite.

But the ultimate goal - Don't frame it at all.

Two men. They're wives are leaving them. Guy 1 hates his wife so he's happy she is leaving. Guy 2 loves his W and is unhappy she is leaving. Same event, two different meanings based on a perspective of meaning. Guy 1 dates for 3 years and ends up finding his W was the best woman for him so he is unhappy his W left him. Guy 2 meets a woman who is perfect for him. He's happy his W left him now. I can type this story on forever...

But when I see evidence of "the squirrel" peeking out I'm all attracted to it again.

What evidence of this have you seen? I haven't seen any evidence of anything. When people tell you there is a crack, she's turning, she's this, she's that, that means _____, ignore it. They have no idea what it means.

Is this all about me in the wrong way?

Is it?

Why do I want her back? So that this isn't a failure? So I don't have to divorce and start over?

Search your heart and figure this out. Why do you want her back?

Do I see the D as a "judgement" about me?

Probably. You are still defining yourself based on the approval of others - specifically her. If she comes back she will validate you as being good.

You are aiming for self validation regardless of the opinions of others. When you reach that point you won't have the above question anymore.

Would she even be capable of the work this is gong to require?

No one can answer this question. I think she is capable of it. I think everyone is capable of it if they can overcome the issues that keep them from looking.

This running away to another person is a pattern so will it simply just happen again when she feels unhappy or changes her mind?

Is it her pattern? Was it the pattern which brought her to you? If it is her pattern, then yes, she will continue to do it until she figures out and corrects whatever it is INSIDE HER which is running this program/pattern.

This is also a pattern for me. This is 4 in a row of "straight to another".4 for 4. Whoever I was, even as the attractive bait, is clearly unhealthy for me.

So, now we have something to work on about you. Is this your pattern? If it is then why do you pick women who will ultimately abandon you for someone else? What pattern did you learn which you are now reliving over and over again. Yes, the pattern will keep going until you figure this out and fix it.

I believe everything I wrote above. It's what I am working towards. It is a simple goal which seems to be so very hard to achieve. We have spent our whole lives wanting to know the future and have ingrained in us a mode of thinking and behaving which needs to be taken out and discarded.

Simple but not easy.

[Truegritter]

Every time I find myself thinking about what she is doing, I get frustrated and resentful. Disappointed and disgusted with her which leads me to "I don't deserve this and I don't want you back"

This is a normal reaction CD. We have all felt this way.

Some still feel this way and are stuck IMO.

Detaching brings clarity. It does not mean you're done.

Look at it this way.

Being with someone else right now might feel good but really it is a disservice to you and to the person you are with.

So

What I am saying is you have time.

You can be the guy who lost the game and is going to take all his toys and go home.

Or

Not to do the expected. Not become a statistic.

Decide for YOURSELF to take a different course.

Not to get your W back.

To stand up for you and what you believe.

I ask you this:

Fight or flight?

Which speaks to who you are?

Which takes more courage?

Which requires strength and honor?

You are focused right now, as we all are when when this awful thing happens to us

ON YOUR WIFE.

Let her go for now. Detach.

I cannot guarantee you that you will save your M.

I can guarantee you will understand things you never knew.

You will be a better man.

You will heal. Truly heal.

But

You must first make a choice to do it.

And that means to answer those tough questions you ask yourself up there ^^^^^.

Set your expectations only for yourself and set them above the average

Above mediocrity.

Dig deep CD for yourself.

What actions and decisions speak to the man you aspire to be.

These have nothing to do with your W and what she is doing.

This is what YOU do. Regardless of how she acts or doesn't act.

Then step without fear and do it.

[Truegritter]

Steady I was posting when you were.

I just want to say <standing hands clapping>

Bravo!

Great post.

CD we are both telling you the same thing.

Read Steady's post again and again.

There is great wisdom in it.

You are not your M.

You are not your Divorce if that happens.

You are not someone your W threw away.

But

What are you?

Takes work my friend. And you

...are wasting time looking at your W.

[SunnyD]

I agree.... great post, Steady! I'm not even sure how to add to that, lol.

[steady]

I want to reiterate. I'm going through my own loop again, and when that happens I go through another reiteration of mentally and emotionally running through the truth about things.(my perspective of the truth)

I am currently going through the internal struggle again - but I want you all to know, they are less often, less deep, less intrusive on the rest of life. This is an indication of my own growth.

It has been re-triggered and I'm actually grateful for that - it gives me another opportunity to sink my truth deeper into myself.

[CD Bear]

Great post, Steady.
You picked a great DB name because I can always count on you to show me "the straight line"

Thanks for the refresher on your earlier post. It also led me to look at my own back then. Lost my way.

Here is what jumped out at me when I re-read this morning. These are things I can ACT on.

Search your heart and figure this out. Why do you want her back?

And you also have most of the answer...

You are still defining yourself based on the approval of others - specifically her. If she comes back she will validate you as being good.
You are aiming for self validation regardless of the opinions of others. When you reach that point you won't have the above question anymore.

My question for myself is "Why do I believe that the opinion of others is more accurate and 'correct' than my own? Why have I placed her opinion/acceptance/value of me above my own? Why don't I trust or value my own opinion of my value?"

Is it this/- "This person loves me. They see the true worth of me. Therefore,if I fail in their eyes and/or they love me less, my value/worth is lower"

Is it her pattern? Was it the pattern which brought her to you?

Yes, it was. (Still is,apparently.) Her ex-fiance (they had bought a house together and she had a wedding dress already) became controlling and verbally abusive as his alcohol pattern increased. She had broken off the engagement. They also had a non-physical R by that time. She swears it was never P at all. Odd for a PT/WOA person to be in that R, eh?
So yeah I got her right out of a bad R. In fact, she moved right in with me before she was even "moved out" of there. When he chased her down the freeway with his car was the deal breaker. She drove straight to my place. We've been together since then.

now we have something to work on about you. Is this your pattern? If it is then why do you pick women who will ultimately abandon you for someone else? What pattern did you learn which you are now reliving over and over again.

Seems to be at 4/4. I haven't seen a pattern "about them' that I'm selecting 'bad women'. W is the only one who has this pattern built in.
All I could think of is I learned by watching my dad.
My 'impression' of his behaviour towards my mom was one of limited physical expression of love(they have 6 kids!-I was NOT like that before WE had kids); he was always doing stuff on the house or running kids to activities or at work (always home for dinner!); all of which I thought was normal dad/good husband stuff. "A worker bee"
But what I notice NOW as an adult is more of a 'taken for granted' and 'isolated' behavior. At this point in their lives they are two separate people (which is good, I think-unlike me that gave up MY activities) but I don't see any "happiness", especially from him. And I don't recall much from himback then either. He was ALWAYS doing something "for us"
There must be something in here that I learned.

I still believe that my issue is more about "something about my dad's bhvr and/or how it related to my mom' and my issue of valuing others' opinion of me/my worth OVER my own opininion. And specifically the women that I get into R's with.
As you know, this reeks of NMMNG.

Thanks again, Steady.

I'm narrowing/defining my issues.

I'm getting past the "what was my 50% of the state of the M" and into the "Ok, so WHY did I do these things?"

[CD Bear]

You are focused right now, as we all are when when this awful thing happens to us
ON YOUR WIFE

Let her go for now. Detach.
I cannot guarantee you that you will save your M.
I can guarantee you will understand things you never knew.
You will be a better man.
You will heal. Truly heal.

Thanks, Gritter.
They are obvious but I sometimes lose my focus. It's funny that I've joked about the Old Spice commercial in the past and the one line that 'triggers' that image. Yet, I just noticed how appropriate it is:

"NOW BACK TO ME!"

You are not your M.
You are not your Divorce if that happens.
You are not someone your W threw away.
But
What are you?Takes work my friend. And you
...are wasting time looking at your W.

Again, valid and appreciated.
But I hope that by appreciating the top three lines and feeling better about it doesn't mean that now I'm all about 'validation from Gritter'

Set your expectations only for yourself and set them above the average
What actions and decisions speak to the man you aspire to be.
These have nothing to do with your W and what she is doing.
This is what YOU do. Regardless of how she acts or doesn't act.

Decide for YOURSELF to take a different course.
Not to get your W back.
To stand up for you and what you believe.
Which speaks to who you are?
Fight or flight?
Which takes more courage? Which requires strength and honor?

I have NEVER been a "flight" guy unless it involves an aircraft. My personal stance has always been "If it's important to me, I will fight for it rather than quit"

Downfall has been over-loyal; and not knowing WHEN it is time to actually accept a loss. I have also over-committed resources to these fights to the detriment of the other areas of my life.

I have been so focused on some of the 'battles', I have failed to notice my losses elsewhere.

Something to stay aware of.

[SunnyD]

So...I don't have any better words of wisdom for digging in deep through all of this. I guess the hard part when you're in the depth of the struggle is this: you mentally know all the things you should/shouldn't do or should/shouldn't be thinking of, but feelings are feelings. We all have them. We all have good days and bad days - days where we feel so strong we don't think we'll have a bad day again then, WHAM! There it is.

I think the best defense against the bad day blues is to know they're going to be there. Prepare for them. Have some coping mechanisms in your back pocket to deal. Everyone is different in this regard as to what works.

Personally, I used to think not crying was a sign of strength. Then I realized I was internalizing my sadness which wasn't good either. I've found a happy medium in that I allow myself a set amount of time for tears if I feel I need a "cleansing" and then I make myself stop it. I give myself 15 minutes - usually in the shower - then it's time to move on. Sometimes a good cry is all I need and it's healthy. Other times, I still feel down and have to do something else.

Here again, it depends on what works for you. Some people like to read - whether it's the bible or some other book they've found strength in, such as DR or DB. Maybe it's something that gives hope, maybe it's something empowering.

Music is a strong one for me: if I need encouragement, I have a CD for that. If I want some kick-booty music that screams, "I'm better than this!" I have a CD for that too!

Another coping tool is prayer or meditation. Sometimes it's calling or emailing a friend. Sometimes it's going out to do something, or maybe getting the mind too busy to be depressed by focusing on a skill. I play piano so I know it helps to try out a new piece of music. It may be terrible to listen to - but my mind can't focus on my problems while I'm learning a new tune!

There's something to be said for sadness. It's part of us and we see it as such a bad thing, but it isn't always. It's an opportunity and has its place in our lives, like it or not. We try like you-know-what to avoid it, but we just need to learn to use it for our benefit. Some of the world's greatest works of art have come because of someone's state of melancholy.

As a sidenote: sometimes if we get busy doing something for someone else that can help too, but there's also real validation for all of us on these boards to have the blues - and nothing wrong with acknowledging that and saying we have a right to it.

Of course, if someone is sad for too long and not coping well, that's a different story!

Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there. In our app crazy world it would sure be nice to say, "SAD? Depressed over your wayward spouse??? There's an app for that!" BUt...there's not. LOL

[steady]

Feelings follow thoughts. I don't think it's bi-directional though. We think, then we feel based on those thoughts.

Now, if we could just get rid of the thoughts...

[SunnyD]

Yes, you're right. Or, if you are pro-active, feelings follow Action. A little harder in practice than letting our feelings follow our thoughts, but productive when you can do it.

As to how to get rid of thoughts, that's easier said than done! LOL

Yeah - we all know we get rid of them by forcing ourselves to get our brains on other things but it sure is hard when you want so much for your M to work out and are in pain.