[hoosiermama]

Plus, and this is really the point, I'm trying to learn as much as I can from this experience and take as much away from it in a positive sense so that my next R (assuming there is one) is informed on a deep level by the lessons and experiences and analysis I've tried to do here and tried to take from others here. That's just the way I'm programmed, I guess -- I have to understand, even if I (know I) ultimately can't.

resonates. a lot. sometimes I wish I didn't do this, didn't have to do this...but apparently I do. Mine, however, seems to be focused upon what I did wrong to end up here--no, not that it was all my fault, but how I contributed; if I have no control over anything but myself, then I must nail that piece down. and the best I can ever seem to do is: I made a really, really lousy choice of mates. And I should have seen that and I chose not to. will I ever trust myself again? who knows--that's the big question.