As my brother, sister, counselor and those in the know reiterated.. I was beating a dead horse in trying to understand the former spouse's motivation, his manner of dealing with it, thinking that my delving through the morass of what the marriage became that I would find understanding and learning.
And over time, I'm embracing their direction. The former spouse is a poster child for unhealthy emotional behaviors.
In turn, I am becoming emotionally healthy.
Each wacky interaction with him is one more reason why it's good not to be in a relationship with him.. for me.
When mind reading is required, that means healthy communication as a couple is strained or gone. And the fear of rejection, anger, sense of anxiety has risen where it's safer not to talk.
If a couple is willing to work on it, the accumulated refuse of a relationship can be dealt with. Both individuals find what is is right about being a couple and survive the strain of how folks change over time, especially with the challenges and joys of having children.
In the situation when a spouse 'spontaneously' decides to exit a marriage and the nuclear family there's a Leaver and a Sticker. The Leaver creates a wall between themselves and the Sticker to justify why it's imperative to start a new life.. and justify their actions.
And Sticker tries to understand, in the process beating the dead horse to glue.
In the end, the marriage was broken and wasn't fixed, for whatever reason. And what hurts most is the manner in which the Sticker is left to pick up the pieces of the puzzle the Leaver fit together for themselves in the first place.
Personally, it's a slow painful process, especially when I focus on the drama of 'him'. But it's really me picking a wound. And this booboo heals as I change my perspective on what defines me.
Based on having been married to the former spouse, I won't date a guy who kicks dogs, tells me if it doesn't work out he'll be sad but will walk away shutting the door behind him and tells other people how incredible I am while belittling me at home.
The real challenge for me is getting out of my shell, ceasing to isolate and develop a life that doesn't center solely around the needs of others. The two and a half years I've spent maintaining a stable, emotionally secure home for my kids where they know they are loved unconditionally has been good. And they are all flourishing.
Now it's time for me to create my own stable, emotionally secure life that I own. One that does not focus on blame or victimization on what didn't work in a chapter of my life that's over.
And that's what it means to me to have my life to no longer be about him, understanding his motives because he's not part of my life. And I'm okay.. and in a better place because of it.
With a future relationship (if there is one) the naiveté of love will solve everything is gone, replaced with an understanding and need to heed the good with the bad and being willing to deal with what doesn't work.
As far as the debate goes, as long as I don't read, "Gypsy you ignorant slut." I'm good. And even if I do, it's not a problem.
Go figure. I'm just looking forward to the day that no strings attached hot sweaty sex isn't so damn scary.
