She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[crushednstuck]

Lance, I did read your post. Using prescription drugs is not an option for me. My IC offered them, but it's not something I'm comfortable with. I'm sleeping, eating and working out fine. I think I may be in the depression stage but don't know if I'm actually depressed.
I understand I need to take care of myself. However, at what point does all this reflection become self-indulgent and narcissistic? Part of what I'm trying to improve is my ability to be a better friend. I've been guilty of not recognizing the impact of my actions on others. I need be more responsive and sensitive to what is going on around me. With limited time to focus on improvement, I feel this self examination runs counter to what I'm trying to accomplish.

[LanceSijan]

CNS

I can only tell you if you are depressed as you say, #1 there is no shame in that, #2 you must get out of the depression before you will be able to fix anything else.

Kind of like you are in an airplane that loses pressure.
Do you put the oxygen on yourself first or your kids/wife?
You must save yourself first, then worry about helping others.
When you are on that doomed plane you have even less time than you say you have now!

If you won't take AD's go get some over the counter St John's Wort at the supermarket. You do take time to eat? or buy groceries?

[crushednstuck]

Mach, I appreciate all the posts, really. But I'm honestly trying to sort out if my W is in MLC or if this has been the person she's always been. These behaviors, the anger and grudges have been present the entire time and not just when she left.

Yep, I'm all over the map. I can't imagine I'm the only one experiencing this range of emotion. I appreciate the time away from my W, but ironically, I now have less time to do the work. That's not to say the advice is ignored or minimized. I'm fully aware of my need for improvement yet finding where to start is difficult.
In general, I like me. The fling was not an attempt to get back at my W, but an attempt to make me feel better. Either way it was selfish, but I succeeded.

[crushednstuck]

Lance, I like the analogy. I haven't tried the St. John's Wort but I'll look into it in order to pull the nose up and find some clear skies.

[LanceSijan]

Lance, I like the analogy. I haven't tried the St. John's Wort but I'll look into it in order to pull the nose up and find some clear skies.

GOOD!
That will be taking an action!

[Golfgirl1]

Crushed,
I took ADs for 2 months and the withdrawal symptoms were horrendous. Your doc also won't tell you that if you take certain ones for an extended period of time you might be on them for life. FOR LIFE!! Be very careful....I chose to go to a Naturopath who did a urine test and blood work and I got on supplements instead. It took longer, not an immediate "fix," but IMO much safer and better for you down the road. One year later, I'm in the best shape of my life. I also think ADs can "numb" you from feeling what you need to feel in order to get through this. I felt the anger, the grief, the raw pain, etc. and walked through it. It wasn't easy, but you can do it.

As far as *self-indulgent,* you have to be right now and it's okay. Focus on you and your little ones. Your fling was because you needed to feel validated that someone of the opposite sex would find you attractive and desirable. It's okay, I think most of us have been there. NOW, have the "fling" with yourself to find out who you are without her. It will be the best experience of your life.

[crushednstuck]

Thanks GolfGirl, I appreciate the input. You echo some of my reservations about ADs. I also have my doubts about some of the "new agey" stuff, but I'm open minded enough to do some homework, as long as I don't wind up chanting in a crystal pyramid wearing a tin foil hat.
I believe you're right about my extra-marital field trip. I think some of my work outs are about looking and feeling viable. I'm not sure I received that from my W, but I definitely feel as though its important now. When lacking in self confidence, I think being a smarta** and looking like you don't want to be messed with is a good ploy - or I used to feel that way. Nasty lessons learned in high school.

[crushednstuck]

Ok, no posts for a while, but the monotony of sanding and painting has been therapeutic. This project is endless and I know there's another one waiting behind it. And of course, W is watching and evaluating from her perch.
MC last week was again frustrating. I "dropped the rope" with every effort I could muster. I acquiesced to every barb thrown my way and offered no defense. I'm trying to gain her perspective, I guess so I can see myself through her. It's a maddening process.
The MC says "you look like you're getting along better this week". W jumps in and says she's not trying to change what's out of her control. W says its calmer because she is not releasing the anger. And to use Grit's analogy, I'm sitting there riddled with arrows and almost sickly smiling at how far away she is.

Apparently this weekend tested the limits of her therapy. One of the kids of one of the endless list of arch-enemies she has, came into contact with our kids. Before I reached the end of sentence one explaining what happened.....KA-BOOM! Now three days of fallout. If I string three words together its like Krakatoa. I've now begun to dread getting my kids because I know I'll have to relay what's going on when I have them. Detaching completely from her anger would be such a luxury. This is like sprinting through a minefield clutching live hand grenades to escape spear-throwing natives, uphill, barefoot, calling for help with a horrible stutter.

[fisherman]

Ok, no posts for a while, but the monotony of sanding and painting has been therapeutic.

This brings back memories. I did the same and yes things like this help in many ways.

This project is endless and I know there's another one waiting behind it.

Perspective? Good...you'll have plenty of theraputic sh!t to do to help you along the way.

And of course, W is watching and evaluating from her perch.

Ok, so focus on your sanding and painting Daniel son.

MC last week was again frustrating. I "dropped the rope" with every effort I could muster.

Letting go isn't a struggle it's a release. It's freeing.

W jumps in and says she's not trying to change what's out of her control. W says its calmer because she is not releasing the anger. And to use Grit's analogy, I'm sitting there riddled with arrows and almost sickly smiling at how far away she is.

Apparently this weekend tested the limits of her therapy. One of the kids of one of the endless list of arch-enemies she has, came into contact with our kids. Before I reached the end of sentence one explaining what happened.....KA-BOOM! Now three days of fallout.

Wait a minute.... I thought she said she wasn't going to do that!

As far as the whole riddle with arrows thing goes...Perspective? Where's your f'ing armor dude? You should know enough about at this by now to not let her arrow's stick.

I've now begun to dread getting my kids because I know I'll have to relay what's going on when I have them.

Says who? Slap a smile on your face and tell her they had a great time and don't don't it in a disrespectful way. Be genuine, make it genuine, hell make sure your kids do have a great time with dad.

Detaching completely from her anger would be such a luxury. This is like sprinting through a minefield clutching live hand grenades to escape spear-throwing natives, uphill, barefoot, calling for help with a horrible stutter.

Perspective?

It's all about what you CHOOSE to make of it. How you CHOOSE to see it. How you view yourself and the world you live in. Nothing more.

[Truegritter]

And of course, W is watching and evaluating from her perch.

Stop framing what YOU do as how she will see it. That includes with the kids.

Do for YOU right now.

I'm trying to gain her perspective, I guess so I can see myself through her. It's a maddening process.

This is where you are off the track. Stop this.

There will come a day when this is ok to look at.

You are taking on your shoulders all the things YOU think she is thinking.

THAT is why it is maddening.

Look you are not detached. As long as you are thinking and feeling anger about her or OM and you feel bad after your interactions

You are not detached and you have to get there. It is your only hope.

Regardless of the outcome.

I am going to suggest that you are feeling like you are already beat and not caring what happens out of frustration.

Because you are not detached.

How do you do that?

I wore a rubber band and whenever I thought about things about W that upset me I'd snap it.

I wouldn't contact W and I went some 20+ days without ever comunicating with her until I knew I was detached.

That too is a process that will be tested throughout this.

It is hard because of the kids.

You may have to interact. But you CAN control how long and what you communicate about. You can set boundaries.

I want you to do something now.

Write down 5 things that describe the man you think are or aspire to be.

You don't have to write them here if you don't want to.

Then

Ask yourself how are my ACTIONS today aligning with that.

What am I doing to be that man?

Why am I not doing those things that I want to do?

What are you afraid of? What do you fear? What do you not like about YOU.

Not for your W.

For you.

Find that and kill it.