INTERESTED IN MLC FOR LBS

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

Man...is this chit tough! Fear...ohhh....that paralyzing fear that can overtake you. It changes the way you think..it changes everything.

You look at every interaction as a sign of change. You think something you can do will change her MLC (snap her out if you will). You think and think and think. You drive yourself crazy..the fear get a hold of you..and then you think again. Ahhh yes If I do this or I invite her here or if I stop talking to her - yes that's it...that's it I will try that. Then you think you get it. She may say "hi" and begin to think that something is going to change - then the next day she is back to being distant and then you come crumbling down. You get depressed. You feel hopless. You feel defeated. Your down...the world sucks...

Bobby - I have been living with a women that is in MLC for 11 months. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with!

Bobby - I did what you are doing. I held on....and then held on a little more. I allowed her to control my emotions to control how my day went. I allowed her to define who I was. I allowed her to control the sitch. I allowed her to fuc* with my head. I allowed...I allowed...I allowed...I lived in fear. I lived in shame. I felt defeated. I felt my world was over. I felt lost. I felt all of these emotions. I used DB as a tactic...I used it incorrectly. I used it to manipulate. I used it to try and control the sitch so that it went the way I wanted to. No of it worked. Oh...I know I can go to other sites, I can try and download more M saving books, articles, anything just anything to fix this. Then.....one day.....I stood up Bobby. I woke up one morning and said.....


Fu*k this! eric...let go...let completely go. Give up trying to save the M. Eric save yourself...

Bobby, I cannot say this enough....if you want a chance as small as it may be to save your M - let her go! Stop talking to her. Stop trying to think your way out of this. Just stop Bobby.

Bobby look inside yourself. Look deep. See where you went wrong in the M and fix it. You can't do that when all you do is look at her. Look at the sitch...YOU HAVE TO LET GO BOBBY.

Please read AJM post to you. Read them again and again..let them sink in. I tend to be a little more raw than most on these boards Bobby...so here comes my real raw advice.

Grow a set of balls, put on your f*cking pants and let her go. Go and become the man you always wanted to be. Go and live your f*cking life. Look deep and find you, fall in love with yourself.

I am not saying to file for a D. Nor am I saying be an as*hole - no I am saying let go. Make choices for you..what you want...stop thinking "what is she going to think", "how will she react"...Bobby be the real YOU. She will either love you and stay or she would not!

When you finally let go...you will realize that you decide what YOU want for YOU life - no one else does.

God Bless,
Eric

[AJM]

I think an additional piece to Eric's post: Letting go of her does not mean getting a girlfriend or dating or thinking the marriage is over. You are taking it in a new direction though. That's for sure.

Work on you and you alone. Let the thinking stop. It will just tire you out. And you will be so raw you won't be able to form coherent sentences. You won't sleep. You will become erratic. Crazy. That's normal, but it won't help. Don't be normal Bobby. Be different. Be...you. Let your light shine and let the world see you as you are. No more. No less.

Do it sooner and your marriage may be saved. Do it later, and you'll at least be saved. You will do it at some point however. I suggest you do it sooner. Stop pursuing. Stop guessing what she is thinking. Work on you. Focus on you. Figure out what it takes to get your confidence and self-esteem back. To tie it to only you. Start now. Don't analyze what she is thinking. Analyze what you want and what you need. Analyze what makes you happy. It's possible it isn't her, but more possible you got lost somewhere in the marriage.

Go find you Bobby. You'll like what you find when you're done making the needed repairs.

[rysmom]

Hi Eric
Thanks for your post. I know i have to really let go to but I still have a difficult time doing it. Some days are better than others. It seems at night I have more peace of mind about the situation then when I wake up in the morning.
Today I took my dogs out for the day. We went to the pet store and bought a new dog bed, then we went for a burger , then the monastery to say a prayer, then I took them to the dog park. I find it makes me feel better when im around other people or doing something for someone else or my pets.
Hope you are having a good day.

[Bobby O]

Thank you to all who have posted comments to me. My wife is moving next week and there is nothing I can or will do other than to take care of me and my children. I am planning on going away the week after next for a few days. I need to clear my head. I still can not believe this is happening and I doubt my wife will ever come back to the marriage again. I know if she leaves it is for good and I need to move on. I have been through so many emotions that I dont know what it feels like to be happy. I feel I have done all I can to save this marriage. It is time to save me and move forward. I can not afford to become deeply depressed at the expence of my work or family members that count on me. I have to be strong and realize this is my fate. It is sad to have been with someone more than half your life and end up like this. Time will tell what the future holds but it is not the way I would have wanted this to end. Bobby O

[Albuquerque]

Bobby,

I know the hurt, frustration, confusion, defeat you feel right now. But you need to hold your head up high. You seem to have a defeat-est attitude and that's not healthy. No one knows what the future of your marriage holds. Take the time to read some threads. Many on here have gone through a lot worse in their marriage and then ended up with stronger marriages in the end. But it wasn't without some significant pain, tears and above all, TIME.
It sounds like you are prepared to give up on your marriage. Is that really what YOU want? If so, then so be it. But be sure that it is. If not, take this time to learn and grown and NOT think about your marriage right now. You keep talking about doing what you can to save your marriage. That is NOT your job right now. Your job is to save YOURSELF. When and if your wife is ready, your marriage may follow. But concentrate on YOU now.

[Truegritter]

I know if she leaves it is for good and I need to move on.

Bobby it is my opinion that it is never our place to take hope away from anyone.

But I will tell you why I am here and why I continue to be here.

It is to help people see hope that they cannot see because of the pain they feel.

This thing we all have in common is the most horrible thing to happen to anyone.

It is.

And.

I can not afford to become deeply depressed at the expence of my work or family members that count on me.

I understand this.

And

I have felt this way. And so has everyone here.

But

You control this too. You can take yourself out of the turmoil of emotion you find yourself in.

Detaching from this is key. It will give you clarity.

It will help you not to be invested in the outcome.

That is whether your M can be saved.

It may not be apparent to you but there is more at stake than your M.

You think (as we all come here thinking)that your M is what you are invested in and if you can't have that or you are denied that by someone then it is lost.

There is an opportunity here.

Albeit a difficult one.

Not to accept being a statistic.

Not to accept that you will be the average Joe who gets divorced like 50% of us do.

When do you think this decision to divorce happens?

Right now when someone is not reciprocating your desires.

YOU write your own destiny.

You decide who you are and what you believe in.

Will you accept the average decision?

Will you set your sights on mediocrity?

Will you run from your W because she doesn't want you right now?

Because you feel betrayed? Thrown away?

Will you confirm that in yourself and

This is a big one...

Will you confirm to your W that your love is contingent.

Contingent on whatever condition you place on it?

THAT is what she is looking for.

THAT is what she seeks. Someone who will love her

No matter what.

Your choice what to do here my friend.

I cannot guarantee you your M will be saved.

I can guarnatee you that you will understand things that you never knew possible.

It is this

It is time to save me and move forward.

That I speak of.

[ericmsant2]

Bobby….Bobby…Bobby….

Thank you to all who have posted comments to me.

Your welcome…..but please….if you want to thank me then listen and act! In my book actions speak louder than words. I will tell what I mean by actions in a sec.

My wife is moving next week and there is nothing I can or will do other than to take care of me and my children.

Nothing….did you just say NOTHING? I mean the nerve of her. To think that she will not let YOU control HER actions while she is in HER crisis. The nerve of HER! Bobby, as hard as this is to understand…if all you take from this…if anything that me or anyone ever post to you sticks let it be this.

None of us can control another persons choices!

nothing I can or will do other than to take care of me and my children

Taking care of your children is YOUR responsibility but I know you know this so no need to b*tch about it. Right?

Wow nothing you can or will do….huh…..Boy that sounds pretty attractive. I am sure most women would jump at the thought of being with someone who cant doing anything.

So…you can never find true love again (that may even be with your W in the future).

You can never take a trip to your favorite vacation spot

You can never change jobs, change your clothing style, change music interest, change anything. No…based on your post you can’t. Bobby wants the old M, Bobby wants his life back just the way it was because it was fine with Bobby. Guess what Bobby – your wife is in a crisis and SHE does not want the old life back. Hell, with all of your “cant do nothing” talk I wouldn’t want it.

Okay, here is the good news…YOU Bobby can change all of this. You Bobby can GET YOUR W back. That’s right I said it. You could. I did not say YOU would…only COULD. Bet your excited now….

So how do you do it? Okay I will tell you in a sec…let me finish your post.

I need to clear my head.

Hey while your clear your head…can you throw some positive mentals thoughts in there….figured since you were clearing your head.

I doubt my wife will ever come back to the marriage again.

I remember a guy by the name of Drew who no longer post (or has not posted to me in a while) saying this to me when I was were you are right now Bobby. Drew said… can I tell him what tomorrows lotto numbers are.

I was confused…what the hell is the guy asking about lotto number for? Who the hell was this guy? I’ll make it easier on you and give you the answer….

Bobby – you do not have a crystal ball. Nope…you do not. So STOP doubting if your W is coming back. Stop projecting your fear, stop writing your future with out your W. Just stop it.

I know if she leaves it is for good and I need to move on.

I know Bobby you are right. You know her better than I do. You know her better than anyone. So who am I to argue?

One question though…..since you knew her better than anyone else. Why didn’t you see this coming?

Oh…I know why…she is in a mid life crisis and has totally lost her fu*king mind, so yeah…she should continue to act like the level headed, kind, etc. woman that you knew and loved for X number of years. Sorry to say dude..you have no iead of what she will and can do. She may fool you and come back – she may not.

I dont know what it feels like to be happy

Ohhhh yeah…now you are getting somewhere. So YOU don’t know what it feels like to be happy? I wonder if that bothered your W. If so, what have you done about it?

I feel I have done all I can to save this marriage

Maybe you did – maybe you did not. I sure as hell don’t know – only God does. Maybe you don’t save your M but maybe you save yourself.

Oh…and about the actions point I made early in this post…

Actions Bobby is what your W will see and remember.
Actions Bobby take time
Actions can breed consistency

Actions speak louder than words……What actions are you tell her right now Bobby? Oh…and I am not talking about faking happiness around her…you tell me Bobby what are your actions telling YOU.

I have to be strong and realize this is my fate

Can I get those lotto numbers…dude I really need the money trust me. FTR it is MY fate that I am to win powerball. My fate.. Oh…wait a minute….

Do I know what my fate is? No I do not and I bet Bobby your really do not know what your fate is.

Bobby – don’t do anything rash or crazy. You may not realize this but NOW is YOUR TIME.

Now get back to the work of trying to be the man that you always wanted to be so that you can win your W back.

God Bless,
Eric

[LanceSijan]

Bobby

Eric and grit have given you good advice, what I want to add is that we can have NO EXPECTATIONS, however that does not mean that we can not have HOPE. There are lots of stories on this board of people that have saved themselves and saved their marriages. Stories that were much darker than yours, men who left the house 8 different times and cheated with the OW. But now lives in a restored marriage. His wife had faith and hope. You can too.
You must start controlling just one person. That person is YOU.
Let your W go, get rid of the negative expectations.
You can survive this, but YOU are the one to decide that. No one else can control YOU, only YOU.

[Bobby O]

My son called me and invited me for dinner tonight. He had dinner with my wife last pm and he said she told him she was moving next weekend. I know I have to move forward and detach but it is easier said then done. I feel very depressed and the bad thing is I have to let my wife work this out herself and I need to learn about me. I am learning that I have to control me and I hope things will fall in place. I am sure the move out day will be tough and it probably would be best for me to not be there when it happens. Bobby O

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

For the record the detachment thing doesn't just happen. It is not like you wake up and feel like - Wow I am detached. Sorry bud it does not work that way. I wish it did.

As for the moving day - I think you need to do what will cause you the least amount of pain. Notice I did not say no pain. This is very hard Bobby. All is not lost yet. Your M is not over yet. It really is not - so stop acting as if it is.

Bobby one of these things that I have learned in this process is the meaning of partnership, the meaning of respect, the meaning of what it truly is to accept the loss of control.

Your W may come back to you tomorrow, she may come back to you next week, next month, next year- hell 5 years from now. No one knows Bobby.

So do you really love this woman enough to let her sort her chit out? Do you love yourself enough to take a long hard look at yourself? Do you love her enough to give everything over to some higher power and TRUST that what will happen was suppose to happen?

Bobby at the end of all of this is the real you. Your W is trying to find the real her. You made choices in your life in your M that were your choices. She is making hers. Does her choices change or control what you do, how you react, how you respond to her? If they do - then Bobby what does that say about who you really are?

Letting go is hard Bobby - cut yourself a little slack. Sit back, try and relax, try and find the balance in your life. Do the things that make Bobby happy. That make Bobby whole again. Your W may see them, she may not BUT you have to have faith that what will happen was suppose to happen.

Bobby - never give up. Never give up on what you want, what you need. Just realize you do not control anyone but YOU.

God Bless
Eric