A letter that comes in the wake of a conversation. We've been having a lot of casual conversations and texts and she mentioned last night that she is still seeing OM and still has no "try" left as far as I'm concerned. She helped me through dealing with my breakup with the 21yo and noted that it was hypocritical as I want no info about OM.
So I jotted this down and I'm setting it aside before sending.
In truth, I'm afraid to be too honest. Honesty leaves you open to ridicule and rejection.
The truth about burning the picture. It wasn't to hurt you, it was to hurt me. It was more important to me than you know. Sending you the evidence was to give it substance, make it real. Otherwise it was merely a solipsistic gesture.
A little toward explaining how I feel right now (though you'll never totally understand): When you're that close to a person and they pull away the instinct is to chase. They pull away more and you chase more and so on until that defines the relationship.
You pulled away and left a wound where we connected and I feel phantom sensations like a missing limb. And I have spent every day looking for my missing half. Little wonder I'm so put off you forgot my birthday, no?
The truth is I wanted to die that day last fall and for a long time after. I don't anymore. I'm happy most days but I keep looking for you only to find you gone.
You say you've given up on trying. I understand that, the hurt stops. But I can't, not because I don't want to, I just can't. When I hear that, though, I want to cry "bullshit! How can you not try enough, do enough?" For all the pain I've suffered I keep wanting you. I know you think I'm wrong, but I think you're wrong. We're at an impasse and we'll just have to deal with that like adults (or as near as we can manage).
I spent so much time trying to convince you I was right. What I've learned is that you're just as right. You feel what you feel and believe what you believe, just like I do.
I'm not crazy or obsessed, I see things differently and feel differently. I won't apologize for still loving you, even if that makes you hate or fear me.
And you don't have to worry, I'm not chasing after you. I'm connecting with someone I care about as best as I know how.
The truth is I'm too afraid to hope for reconciliation. Too much drama, pain and effort has worn me down. And should a reconciliation happen I don't know if I could bear the thought of losing you again anyway.
The truth is I don't want to hear about the new guy because I'm afraid he's better than me, because I wanted to be your only, the best, the one that completes you, the one that makes you feel safe and perfect. I failed at those things and I don't think I can bear to hear about anyone who does that for you. I'm weak, I know, but I'm getting stronger.
The truth is if I tell you you're beautiful and I always thought you were I mean it just like that without hope of manipulating you.
The truth is that at the end of every conversation I have to keep myself from saying "love ya." It's just habit, sorry.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I'm living in the next state over with plans to return to the state -- though not the same city.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sorry to be so blunt...a 21 yr old, really? what a cliche! How is toying with the emotions of a young, impressionable girl going to help you get your W back?
Also, quit funding her affair. She's only telling you just enough of what you want to hear to keep your money coming in while she bangs OM.
Well, I WASN'T there financially during a lot of our r. Its my 180. Being responsible is a new thing for me. And I just feel the need to help someone I care deeply about. It was a hard time for her. An injury that prevented working and DDs starting school. Her dad has cancer. She was losing it and needed help.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Detach and move on with my life, or we're still married and I shouldn't condone her affair? I think I prefer the latter.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I've decided on the latter with the attitude of moving forward with my life. I think I'm in a good place/mindframe. How do I convey this to her?
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
