I should have known better but I couldn't help myself. I was aware of this possibility and my curiosity to see "something working" over-ruled my "but if you're wrong".
So, today my brain is obsessing over the unknown. The unknown that I confirmed last night in the pursuit of "knowing"
I went into town to see if my "hunch" about W and OM living apart was right. i.e. W was living with mom or a friend. Well, none of the above so now my brain is on: -so where is she? -did they get a place together? -this is a step away from me rather than a step toward
Stupid. But I HAD to look. Frikkin' "hope" Why? Just dumb.
Now feeling I am nowhere near the level of detachment and letting go I need to be at.
Question: Why do I usually think that letting go means I'm done? What am I missing and is THAT what's holding me back here?
Every time I find myself thinking about what she is doing, I get frustrated and resentful. Disappointed and disgusted with her which leads me to "I don't deserve this and I don't want you back"
But when I see evidence of "the squirrel" peeking out I'm all attracted to it again.
Is this all about me in the wrong way? Why do I want her back? So that this isn't a failure? So I don't have to divorce and start over? Do I see the D as a "judgement" about me? Would she even be capable of the work this is gong to require? This running away to another person is a pattern so will it simply just happen again when she feels unhappy or changes her mind?
This is also a pattern for me. This is 4 in a row of "straight to another".4 for 4. Whoever I was, even as the attractive bait, is clearly unhealthy for me.
So if I don't want to be that and get this again.......
Ooh. These questions are too big right now.
But I wanted to get them "out there" and "out of me"
