I want to be part of the group...

[Jstar]

so i have h's truck, no insurance, on its last legs. i was looking at some meet up activities and i saw 1 i wanted to go to. so we went up to corner to use phone,

930 am h is still sleeping, whatever..

i asked what time he worked he said later, i asked if he had plans he said no, i asked if he could watch them for lil bit so i can go to this meet up activity and then i remembered what it feels like to have th constant rub.

i said calmy to him, this is not working for me and if it's not good for me it's not good for the kids. i see you twice a day times when all 4 of us are together. it's not good for me, i look at everything as a sign of hope.

i'm sorry i'm not a good dber or at all, to be all as if, happy and cheery to have h pick me and kids up and drop us off for work, i'm sorry i am not strong enough for the times d3 has us together doing family activities to be oh yeah it's great.

when in reality h has no intention ever of anything. i'm sorry i can not deal with the pain, emptyness, and lonliness i am feeling.

i did some gal last night with work friends, and i had to leave i was way to upset. i'm apologizing to myself and kids for still wanting my marriage and loving their father.

we are going to get ready take his truck to central location either ride the bus home or have someone pick us up. it's not right me driving his truck-i allow it to lead me on. the times we've gone to eat with the kids-i allowed it, i allowed it to feed my hope that h will want me back

i mentioned to him that i need to find a child care place to take them to in the am and pick them up, then we would not need to see one another, he says he doesn't have the money to pay for it, says i'm sure your boyfriends won't mind me picking up the kids, i ignore the comment.

i tell him the contant 2twice daily interacting with him is not good for me. i have to cut it all off, no nothing with him otherwise i can not move on,. I SEE EVERYTHING AS hope and it's not healthy, i do not know any other way to accomplish this