The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Soleil, you are SOOOOO right. I am better off without her. I never gave myself permission to think so until recently. I never gave myself permission to let go - until recently. I have and as I do I see things so very differently.

I think you are correct as well that they cannot allow themselves to see things as their fault. Eventually they may, but it may be catastrophic when they do. My stbx once told me that she was angry at me for whole time she moved out. I suspect she still is although she tries to say she is no longer angry. She was angry at me because she left? WTF? I get it now. She couldn't be angry at herself. She needed to be angry to keep gone. But she couldn't let go of the other things in her life at the same time. So she just gave up on the marriage and continued down the path she started telling herself all the lies (it'll be for the best. This is what is best for me. You'll be better off. You can do better than me. The kids will be fine. It'll be better for the kids if they see us apart and happy than together and miserable. I never loved you. and so on). Bullshit and lies, but that's part of it I suppose.

She wanted to date other people. That's a deal breaker for me. She just wouldn't leave to do it. But somehow she had to justify to herself her actions and being mean and nasty and blaming me seemed to be the way for her. I get that now. I see the pattern.

That is not the life for me. I see from watching others around me and on this board that it is not likely that if she did try to come back that things would work. Too much damage and selfishiness. I can't live with that. I can't trust her or the myriad of lies I've heard. At this point, I wouldn't recognize the truth from her if it bit me

I get it. It's been over, but it's also that I had to give myself permission to let it be over for me. Personally. Stop hoping for that fairy tale ending. I don't any longer. I look forward to being on my own with my kids. And she more and more is not spending much time with the kids which means I get what I look forward to more and more. I'm ok with that. I'm working on having peace with the whole thing and not getting angry when I see stbx's number pop up on my phone or her name in my email. Angry isn't the right word really. Traumatized might be a bit better.

Thanks for talking it out with me. I can answer the question now: I did want her back even though I had some conditions. I don't think they were unreasonable conditions either. She chose otherwise and that's how it is. But I deserve better and will get better. It is easy to do when I'm ready.

For now, peace. That's my goal. And I'm getting closer each day. With my own decisions and my own life. I like me. I'm a good person, a good dad, and a good husband. I always have been. I intend to continue that and live my life in a way that I can look back and have no regrets and be at peace with my God and myself. Certainly not perfect, but each step I take is in support of those goals. Always have been. My doubt is washed away. I was tested and I am happy with the results regarding me.

Like I said. I am sure there will be days when I am sad. When I am angry. When I am reminded of the life taken. But that will not define me and really never has. I can see that now as well.

Peace to you and everyone here.

Thought for today: Life - be in it!