Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Last night I had one of best friends here in area come by for some "beers and buddies" to hang. He showed up around 8, and stayed until 2AM. We had a long talk about all of this.

He has a family of his own, two small kids, and is M as well. He's a highly successful individual as well as has a great family that values him. He has a very smart sense of self, and family. Probably one of the best men that I know.

He explained to me what everyone here has been trying to tell me. I have to let go. I have to detach. I have to let my W go out there all on her own and figure this out. If I keep trying to lead/pressure/give her reasons to come back home to me, she will never see that as her own decision, and eventually we will be in the same predicament that we are in now maybe in a month, year, or 5 years.

If I don't let her go, she can never realize what it truly is that she has. She doesn't know what life is like out there, and how hard it is. She doesn't know that because she's never had to do it - she grew up in middle class, then her next life was with me in a middle class home. She doesn't really understand that it's not like that for the majority of families out there who are grinding it out paycheck to paycheck, live in too small of a home or apartment, are letting bills go so they can buy food, and are only staying together because they can't afford to be apart. She doesn't really KNOW what she has. She only knows what she doesn't want.

But she really, really doesn't understand that those things that she doesn't want pale in comparison to the things she has.

And you know what? She may never know. She may never grow up and take the blinders off to see that. I have to accept that.

At the end of the day, there is a man here that loves her, that provides for her - and sure, he's pretty screwed up and has his problems, but they're not as big as the world's problems out there that she'll have to deal with all on her own.

His message to me was I had to think of this like a business deal. We're both very successful businessmen. His message to me was:

You have to be willing to fail in order to win. You have to put it all out there

I told him how I was afraid to detach and let her go, and how that made me feel like she was slipping away. He understood me - and admitted that it is very very scary. But he added that even if I did not let go and succeeded in having her come back home into this marriage, we'd just be right back here someday because it would never truly be her decision to come back.

We talked about how I was a manipulator and controller. He admitted that he was also this way, but found way to control that part of himself. He said that his adage was, "I will not control this situation or circumstance if you can prove to me you will do it right. And even if you can't do it right, I will let you fail at it until it presents a large problem. Small ones you can fix on your own." That made a lot of sense to me.

Further talking about being manipulative and controlling - he added that by me not letting go, I'm still trying to control and manipulate her. Just like you all said. But he added that I could still TAKE BACK THE POWER of this M and R if I let go. When I let go, she has no more power over me. She can't hold the M over my head.

In fact, by me letting go and pulling back, it allows her to say, "Wow, my H isn't trying to control me anymore. He hasn't tried to manipulate me into doing anything. He is respecting me and valuing my decision. I didn't like it when he controlled me. Maybe he HAS changed."

So, in an essence, I'm doing two things:
1. I'm not controlling her anymore. She is free. Free to come back if she so chooses. The reasons she left are no longer present. I'm not that man anymore.
2. I'm indirectly manipulating the situation, but not directly. I'm not doing anything to influence her decision. I'm just having her look inward.


But, all-in-all it's hard to do because I still have hope for my marriage. The expectation just can not be there anymore. Let's hope I can follow my own advice, and yours.