Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

@Pinhead
Looking at your joining date and 'specs' I'm pretty certain I'm not. But I'd be interested in any input you might have since you're on the flipside.

@TimeHeals
Thanks for making me smile if only for a sec. As for the control issues, I'll own that. My whole life I've been forced to do everything, to fix everything and blamed for everything so it's my nature.

@Puppy & Greek

I get that the forum is anonymous but H has invaded my privacy many times before. He feels like my/our problems should only be discussed between him and I and there is nothing I can get from the outside world that is going to make this better. I feel like even this simple exchange could set him off. I'm just so tired of arguing. I can't do it anymore.

It's crazy because it really seems so simple. I wish I could say that H beat me or cheated but the bottom line is he has just killed my spirit. I was damaged goods when he found me coming from an abusive home and I admit to having emotional issues. I feel like the dog that has gotten kicked everyday at random times for the past 10+ yrs. I have tried to blend into the woodwork and have reached the speak only when spoken to. I analyze every step I take throughout the day trying to make sure that I don't do something that has set him off in the past. I know I should let things go but past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

He has admitted that he has treated me bad in the past but then get's mad at me because I won't just forget everything. I can't just stop the tension that rolls over me the minute I hear him wake up. I can't just stop the knots that are in my stomach when he is in the room. I'm actually shaking just trying to get this out. I can't just shake the feeling that if he finds this I have hours of being yelled out. I'm tired, just so tired.

I'm rambling again. I don't feel like anything useful is coming out. I just feel so hopeless.