Yesterday I wrote to him about the issues with his work, we ta;led about it a bit and then it went downhill (resulting in my thread When a good talk just fizzles...).
On a completely separate note, I wrote H an email before going to bed thanking him for being so receptive in conversations lately and asking him to ask me more questions so that I can be more open. I explained that it assures me of that he wants to know about me and also helps me discover myself and grow.
This morning we started IMing. We were having nice small talk that moved to more sexual topics. We talked about likes and interests, I was doing most of the talking. My goal is to become more open, right? I was talking about doing things that are slightly risky for the danger of being seen. It was going pretty well until H started asking about things like nude beach (he's not comfortable with that) and I said (truthfully) that I have no interest in people seeing me, just want a little thrill.
Then a topic of sunbathing topless came up, which I have told him before that I've done in the past. But I've always explained that I only did it in places where it's not a big deal (like beaches in Spain) and there are a lot of other women doing it too. I didn't care much for it and just did it for practicality of even tan. Since he expressed (a long time ago) being uncomfortable with it, I said I wouldn't do it anymore - it really made no difference to me. Yet, today he said that he doesn't believe my explanation.
I asked why and he said he never believed it and "I've told him that before" (I thought it was good that my explanations were consistent, no?). He said that the whole conversation we had today seemed fake to him and he didn't believe me at all. He said he thinks he knows me a little, and this is different - I'm not an open person, it sounds different. I said: I'm trying to be open and you think I'm lying? He kept on going with the not believing me line, then when I said that I don't know why he doesn't, because I never lied to him, he said he doubts that and in fact he knows it's not true. When I tried to get him to explain, he refused, said he's done and doesn't trust me. I just didn't continue that conversation.
My question is What the hell happened there??
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
