I agree. At this point in time, I am satisfied with the communication that I had yesterday. The rest is up to him. I will call Brandon and let him know about the gun cabinet. At this point, I do not plan to have any further communications ( yes, I know you've ALL heard that before, but I MEAN it) until just before the court date. As you said, ball's in his court.
The court date is something HE pushed for, not me, so what happens is all on him. Stick with me im, and as I get closer to the date, I will need all the support and advice I can get.
Hands and knees? Not bloody likely. I remember from 8 years ago when he came home, and it was if a switch had been flipped. He wanted to go on as if nothing had ever happened. He pretends to not care about what others think, but he does, and that is why living 80 miles away has made this so much easier for him. He doesn't have to face the people he knows.
Fall is coming. I can feel it, as it's my favorite season of the year. I've mentioned this before, we've always had a big Halloween party for our grands, and this year it will just be me hosting the party. I KNOW this will be a hard time for him. He LOVED these parties. Always took the kids for a hayride. Dressing up. Two of my three stepsons have already told me they will be here, as will our daughters and their children.
Then there is Thanksgiving , , , It's bound to be a rough Holiday Season. For both of us. Regardless.
Fall is my favorite time of year too! The bomb drop was in early Oct. last year. It put a big damper on the season and holidays for me. I refuse to let that be the case again this year.
I know there's suppose to be no tactics to what we do but if they miss out on something they loved because of their poor choices and decisions, then I say, let em feel the consequences.
I think telling your SS that he can come and get his dad's gun cabinet is the best way to handle it.
As far as the court date goes you're well aware of your options. You'll figure out what's best for you.
The advantage to being on the alt as part of the DB group is that there we can share personal info. I was paranoid about being found there by my H because I'm not the most puter savvy person there is. I made up a new email addy just for that under an assumed name. If/when you're ever ready to join our group there, we'll welcome you in!!!
I called and spoke to my SS today, and he said his Dad talked to him last night and didn't say a single word about it. He said he was going to wait until he did. I just told him that anytime, just let me know. He just didn't need it cluttering up his place indefinitely.
No expectations! I haven't responded to H since his last 'offer' yesterday. Do not plan to make any further overtures to him at this time. Will talk to L in the next few weeks to make sure I am aware of each and every option at this point.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Hmmmm...now might be time for the "talk"...no pressure...no guilt...no crying...just be strong and let him know that YOU don't NEED him...IF he comes home it is because you WANT him...but you WANT him to WANT it too...
Did he have a fight with OW...did she boot him out cause he couldn't buy her a home like he may have promised...lots of reasons here...
Procede with caution...I would definitely let him know that coming home is an option...but that you have to be sure it is the right thing for both of you...that he needs to really know what he wants that might mean taking time alone...tell him, he may need time ALONE...before actually moving in but in that time you two can see each other casually, talk when he feels like it, and get re-aquainted because as much as you love him...you don't want a repeat performance of this past year! And...just let him know that you have until Nov to make any real decisions before the D would be final...so just let that sit for now.
Remember, to stay calm and you are doing this out of LOVE for your husband. Your adrenaline will be pumping hard and you may have to tendency to raise your voice or possibly come across agreessively.
Be ready for the other possibility of him agreeing to dump the OW. If that happens he needs to make that break right then and there, no waiting. Here is a short list of things that I would want in place to protect me and my feelings, always remember that it is to protect you and your feelings not to control him. If he bucks at the requests you could say......
" I know I will be able to trust you again and I want to, these things are for me and my feelings, I know you will be able to do this and I want to be there for you but I can't if I feel that I am going to get hurt again."
I would ask him to hand write a No Contact letter. (Can send you a sample, if this comes up) Do not call the OW!!! she will do everything in her power to woo him back. You want her to get the letter and that is it.
You would make a copy and mail the original certified mail to the OW.
I would ask for the phone (immediately) and you get all the OW's contact info, afterwards he deletes all texts and vmails, and contact info of OW from the phone.
Then call the phone company and he has his number changed (this can be done). Add a family locator feature to the phone.
He gives you all email passwords.
He gives you full access via online to all banking accounts.
If he has a laptop, that is not company owned you get to install eblaster on it. costs about $100. This can be done on the home computer too.
Finally, he gets into individual counseling and you guys get into marriage counseling. This is of course carefully researched together.
I know this might sound extreme but he will go through withdraw like any other addict on a drug, they will try to find a way to contact the OW anyway they can.
The final part of this is consequences for infractions, which need to be very clear. Be ready for the other possibility of him agreeing to dump the OW. If that happens he needs to make that break right then and there, no waiting. Here is a short list of things that I would want in place to protect me and my feelings, always remember that it is to protect you and your feelings not to control him. If he bucks at the requests you could say......
" I know I will be able to trust you again and I want to, these things are for me and my feelings, I know you will be able to do this and I want to be there for you but I can't if I feel that I am going to get hurt again."
I would ask him to hand write a No Contact letter. (Can send you a sample, if this comes up) Do not call the OW!!! she will do everything in her power to woo him back. You want her to get the letter and that is it.
You would make a copy and mail the original certified mail to the OW.
I would ask for the phone (immediately) and you get all the OW's contact info, afterwards he deletes all texts and vmails, and contact info of OW from the phone.
Then call the phone company and he has his number changed (this can be done). Add a family locator feature to the phone.
He gives you all email passwords.
He gives you full access via online to all banking accounts.
If he has a laptop, that is not company owned you get to install eblaster on it. costs about $100. This can be done on the home computer too.
Finally, he gets into individual counseling and you guys get into marriage counseling. This is of course carefully researched together.
I know this might sound extreme but he will go through withdraw like any other addict on a drug, they will try to find a way to contact the OW anyway they can.
The final part of this is consequences for infractions, which need to be very clear.
Take the parts that you might need. This should go hand in hand with what Imlin said, which I agree with. Be aware that if he comes home his crisis is not yet over. It is possible that if he has dumped the OW then YOU are now the OW. You don't want to be that. You want to be his wife.
