There are two reasons to pull back and stay dark until your STBXW is practically begging for a second chance (not literally begging, but sincerely wants another one--if that happens):
1. It gives her time to see what it is like, time to feel the pain that comes with realizing that the attachment bond is really broken. Time to work on her stuff.
2. It gives you time to heal and become stronger. If you are healing but seeing the WAS often enough, and they are still picking at old wounds compulsively (or in my case, if they express doubts but not commitment and you venture into reconcillation territory too soon), you will eventually just want them to go away knowing that they believe you will always be there to pick on if you do not have a complete break.
In my particular case, the STBXW had doubts after 6 weeks of darkness. Doubts are not an expressed interest in doing the work it takes to piece a M back together. Doubts, in my case, were "does it feel like love?". Date 1, I think it might be. Date 3, there's something there. Now my ego was happy, and I started thinking we were dating like we had first met. Date 4, it just doesn't feel right. Date 5, and two days later the divorce was back on, and I was now a target for her compulsive and persistent reminders that "this is the right thing to do. I just don't love you", etc.
Even unanswered, emails and phone calls and actions were back on that path.
There is nothing to be gained by entertaining any notions of reconcillation unless the WAS firmly commits to trying to work on the M.
All it will do is drag out the drama, and in the end you will want them to go away.
So... back off, don't dwell on the past, make plans for YOUR future, and let things work themselves out, and maybe... just maybe... you and your WAS can figure things out.
And if not, there will be less drama, and you will be happier anyway.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
