INTERESTED IN MLC FOR LBS

[ericmsant2]

Bobby

First off, I am glad that your son is back and I respect his committment to the saftey of our country.

Okay...now about your post. Before you keep reading I want you to remember one thing...IF IT STINGS....well then maybe you should look at it.

My daughter made it a point to show me that her mother was coming but I did not appear excited.

You know when the bomb first dropped and for months afterwards I did stuff like this...I was pissed. Have YOU considered how it makes YOUR daughter feel when you react the way you do to your W.

My wife said to me how can you have a party with no furniture in the house.

My wife said this or that to me. Hey Bobby F her. What do you want to do for YOUR son? Do what YOU want to do. Oh...and ask her to give you your testies back - you'll need them!

I did not respond and quite honestly I was not planning on inviting her. I mean why shoud I?

maybe becasue she is his mother. Dude...your angry..do not let that impact your son R with his mother. It will come back and bite you in the a**. Second point....Why not invite her. Do what you want....just make sure that it is what YOU want.

My wife is studying without a care in the world. She is as happy as a clam and I have to smile and fake it.

Yeah...your probably right. When you finally stop looking at her you will give yourself time to look at you, when that happens YOU NO LONGER have to fake it!

[punkin]

BobbyO,

First, congratulations on your son coming home safely. I pray for him and all other soldiers they never have to go back.

Second, for your son's sake, if you have the least suspicion that he is having any sort of PTSD trouble, meet it head on and let him know he is not less of a man by seeking help. He is not alone. I say this from first hand knowledge.

Third, I agree that you should invite your S to the party. She is his mother. Not only does it show you are able to take the high road, but that you are capable of GAL.

And Eric, you are so right. I know how much a simple Thank you from a stranger meant to my H when he returned from Iraq. So, to Bobby's son - Thank You.

[Bobby O]

Well I got home tonight and it was just me. My son called to see how I was and I told him fine. He told me that my wife had invited him for dinner for tomorrow with my 2 daughters. I was not invited. My son said he had not been told by wife that she is moving out in one week. He felt she was making a big mistake and said he planned to speak with her. I told him that I did not think it would be good for him to get involved and did not think his mother would change her mind. My wife told me tonight that she wants my minor daughter to live with her and that my daughter did not want to live with me. I did not say anything. I just listened. She again felt the need to tell me that she wants a divorce and I just walked away from her and said nothing. I know that the apartment she has chosen is not in my childs school district. She was planning on dropping my daughter to my house each morning to catch the school bus. My daughter would have to get up very early to do this and my wife has a longdrive of one and a half hours each way each day. I have not been served papers but suspect she will serve me in order to get financial support. In any case I will need a lawyer and if she does move out then that is desertion. I had agreed to drop legal proceedings 3 weeks ago and now she is hell bent to get her way. I believe things will get worse.Bobby O

[Truegritter]

I did not say anything. I just listened.

Good for you.

He felt she was making a big mistake and said he planned to speak with her.

Your adult children will have some opinions Bobby. My advice is what a wise poster on here said and I repeat it because it is the best advice I have heard.

Your job is not to repair the relationship between your W and your children.

Your job is not to damage it.(nickel Grace)

now she is hell bent to get her way.

This is probably because she perceives she has never gotten her way based on your posts here about your R.

Do the opposite of what she expects.

She expects you to fight her on everything.

You are public enemy number 1 in her eyes.

Her expectations of you are "more of the same"

The number 1 Rule first and foremost PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN

Then try to detach which will allow you to be the opposite of her expectation of you.

And if you like

You can answer my questions up there ^^^^^^

or

Not.

[seeking answers]

You have a huge chance for some real 180s, Bobby. You can actually show your wife that you've been working on yourself through your actions.

Remember when you're listening to your W to validate what she's saying. By doing so it lets her know that you're hearing what she has to say. Does not mean that you are agreeing to it, only that you agree she has the right to how she feels.

[Bobby O]

More drama. Last night my wife left the house and did not tell me she was leaving. I was awakened at 2AM by my daughter ( middle) that her mother was not home. I was asleep and I ended up getting 2 other phone calls one from my wifes sister and the other from my youngest daughter. Finally, my wife was found walking the neighborhood by the middle daughter. I asked my daughter why her mother never answered her cell phone. The story was that she was listening to her ipod. I then found out this am that my middle daughter called my son and wifes other sister about this. They finally came home and I never said anything as I felt this was best. I have never abused anyone but clearly I could not help but think that they thought I had harmed her. I am devastated. My son said he wanted to speak to his mom and sister. I dont know how how much more I can take. Booby O

[seeking answers]

I have never abused anyone but clearly I could not help but think that they thought bI had harmed her.

Bobby,

Stop it! You're mind reading here and that's not going to help you at all. You really have no idea what's going on in other people's heads. You're just adding to the stress you already feel about the sitch.

Your W walking around the neighborhood at 2am may be speaking about her own conflict about the sitch. MLC = Confusion.

[AJM]

Duh. Bobby, don't you see? She is working through her guilt. Walking around at 2am? She is not comfortable with her decision. Should she be?

I realize you are venting Bobby. Good. Keep doing that.
But understand that you have to let go. Help her pack. Stop calling or seeing her. Let her feel the loss of you. To do that, she has to lose you. She may or may not come back, Bobby. It's possible, but you have to continue on.

The stuff with your daughter and the school district? It'll get worked out. Let that be and be thankful your w is concerned about your daughter enough to take her to school. Really. Many MLC's don't. And that's worse.

For you? Let her go dude. You cannot keep her. Help her pack. Help her leave. Be you, but don't control or wonder. She is going to do what she does whether you do or not and if you hold on too tightly, she'll do them to spite you. In fact, she likely will try to get your attention soon after leaving. Very likely. Be ready for more crazy. It'll happen. And it'll hurt.

But you need to get your mind right and realize it is not you. That even though it hurts, you can do nothing more for her than be a good listener. And be you. Be the light. It's a marathon and not a sprint.

She will work through it at her pace and the sooner you get out of the way, the better for her and for you. Because it will make you sick if you see the craziness and confusion.

Protect the kids. Take the high road. And live as if you would look back and want to be proud of your behavior. Focus on you B. Focus on you B. Stop looking or wondering before you lose you.

[Albuquerque]

Bobby,

There are many of us who know the pain of seeing your spouse leaving the home you shared for decades. However, looking back, I think it was a good choice. We weren't living as a married couple anyhow and the space it gave us both was a good thing. It may be impossible to feel that way now, but when it happens you'll realize it'll help you concentrate on YOU. And it will give your wife the space to work on her issues. It won't happen quickly, especially for her. But I think the folks on here who still have their MLC spouses in the house may sometimes have it a bit harder than the rest of us.

[AJM]

OMG - yes it is harder when they are in the house. But that's not really all of it. Focusing on you will help you regain your self-esteem, confidence, and your mind. It's painful. There are things in your life you can change about you. Now is a good time. The thing is, you cannot change hers. The more you try, like quicksand, the deeper she goes. It does absolutely no good to try and reason, plead, etc. Simply find yourself and be there. This may not last or it may. Either way, you need to rely on you and only you (and your friends of course) for your happiness and your stability. Your w is no longer there for you. The aliens have come and taken her. It may be so many years before she realizes what her part was, if ever. It may be too late by then.
It hurts Bobby. You don't want to admit that it's anything more than a temporary thing. It may not be. It may be. You can't know until you are able to look back on it.
The only logical thing you can do is to focus on you, yourself, and your best friend - you! Because it will get worse.

Help her move out when she wants to go. When there is nothing to do - do nothing. When you need to do something for you - do it. Don't wait for her. Don't try to prevent her from crashing. She will need to. Allow yourself to build trust with her, but don't push it. Set your boundaries and enforce them. Be happy and content with you and you alone before you try to be happy with her or anyone for that matter. There is nothing more to be done as only time will heal.

Be you Bobby. Be happy with you. Look in the mirror and know you are the man you are meant to be with or without somebody else.

My $0.04 worth.