So. As I write this, my head feels... I don't know -- light. As if it's above the rest of me. Got back from Court about 7 hours ago. After a brief STBX interlude, I was left alone -- STBX and Themselves are off to National Park for a long weekend. (Of course, the babysitter is going, too, but that's another topic.)
Another hearing in 30 days. The Mouthpiece seemed upbeat afterwards, but then that's her job (went with a She-Mouthpiece, fighting fire with fire so to speak).
Something is definitely going on with STBX. Of course, as soon as I arrived at the courthouse, there she was -- she looked up briefly and muttered, "in there."
Afterwards, though, she found an excuse to talk to me (in front of her lawyer, 'natch). I replied civilly, agreed to let her take the SUV on the trip (I intended to anyway), and complained a bit about the other sitter, who'd sent me a text message suggesting -- well, no, saying -- that she'd left Themselves "just for a few minutes" to go check on some dogs she was dog-sitting. Pointed this out to STBX who said, "You can't trust an interpretation of a text -- people misunderstand written things all the time," which, if you've been following the (mis)adventure, was a nice little snarky dig at SP Hissef, to which her lawyer issued forth with a not-successfully-suppressed sh*t-eating grin.
Well, once again, bait not taken, just said "see you at the house" and went on my way.
But what was weird was that, after the 2.5 hours of laywerly meetings, she was grinning this odd grin -- not a "what happened" grin but a "nyah-nyah, I know something you don't" kind of grin. And she grinned it again at the house.
And what The Mouthpiece reported was also weird. STBX is giving up a lot of positions that, between us, cost roughly $40,000 to take during the long and fruitless letter-writing campaign between my Old Mouthpiece and hers. Positions that would have cost me something like $30, maybe $40K. The only really bad thing to come out so far is that the house has to go on the market ASAP, which is going to pull me -- at best -- about $5K because STBX did some tricky-tricks while we were married and switched the note over to interest-only. So this asset is worthless.
But what are you going to do, eh?
Maybe she's just capitulating. Maybe the war of attrition has taken its toll. Maybe she made so many kazillion dubloons from Big Developer that she doesn't care. But I think I have to be careful for the next month -- if it sounds too good to be true, you know, it usually is.
So that's the empirical bit.
Emotionally? Honestly, I don't know. I didn't feel nervous, per se (though that might be because I was inhaling Xanax like they were Gummi Bears -- Oh I am Gummi dope, yes I am Gummi dope, oh I am Gummi Gummi Gummi Gummi Gummi Dope, o-wo-o).
And I didn't feel sad, per se, though I haven't found the energy to do anything more substantive than wash the cars since.
I just felt like this whole thing is such a waste, and there's such a long road to go. She still can't bring herself to apologize for anything. The closest she's come is to "take responsibility" for having expected me to mind-read and for not telling me I was a lousy husband. Beyond that, every time she's called out on some misdeed, she just refuses to engage it. As if she can pretend it away. And there's been no change on the mind-reading front -- I'm still expected to do it. And no change on the attitude front -- she's still deeply in Blame Mode.
Walkaways. They need -- literally need -- to redirect and rewrite to rationalize. I can understand that, but now? At this point? I don't see there's any need, but then I'm a normal person.
Kids are loading up in the ride to go on the Road Trip, and before she gets in the driver's seat she sort of leans over the hood of the car and says, "I will never understand how you were able to just stop liking me."
It -- Still Not Gotten. And maybe it never will be.
Whatever. I feel very alone right now, empty house, kids gone, future uncertain. Plus I could really do with some good old-fashioned, no-strings-attached, sweaty sex. But that's another topic, too.
