Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[fullmoon]

Isn't your mind trying to protect you by erasing not-so-nice memories Piano...?

Another option to add on your bub letter thing. There is also "Return to sender" stamps... pop it back into the post without opening it.
I'm not saying it's a good solution though! ;-P

[Seeing Red]

The shock wears off in time, Piano. The first 7-8 months were so painful for me that I almost couldn't stand to be in my own skin. I COULDN'T believe that someone I trusted SO much for SO long would hurt me like that.

But when they continue on their merry way doing thoughtless, painful stuff without concern for you, it becomes easier. You adjust to dealing with them. In time, nothing phases you.

I sent a nasty email to OW back in March accusing her of having an affair with WH and she had me arrested for harrassment. We were in court yesterday and WH was subpoenaed. Where was he standing during the process? With OW! OW denies having an affair, yet he stands by HER side? The judge was SO flabbergasted, she reduced my sentence. Everyone there was laughing at him. I was ashamed to be his wife. When he told me later that he was moving out for "some time to think" (translation: bang OW) I felt relieved. Let him have is meltdown out of sight, thank you very much. I've seen enough.

So yes, it gets easier, and you learn to put things out of your mind. Otherwise, you'll go crazy.

[Piano]

Red, I cannot believe your H! What incredible behaviour! Let him go and live REALITY. I am so sorry you are having do endure this & thank God for that sensible judge! Continue to be strong. You are amazing!

[Piano]

Okay, nothing compared to Red's H's high antics..but..

This morning I received an email from WH. I am copying and pasting to here because it's a symbol of where my WH is in his life and his "tone" with me: cordial and businesslike.

I am crying because there is NO LOVE left in him.. HE HAS MOVED ON. I still don't even know where he is living (I presume with OW) - is it normal that he leaves without a forwarding address? Is having his email 'good enough' ? I don't want to email him back with news UNTIL HE ADDRESSES WHAT HE DID TO OUR RELATIONSHIP AND HOW HE COULD FATHOM TO LEAVE ME ALONE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD TO RAISE HIS BABY?

AM I MAD? Should I write back? If I write back, then aren't I just letting him cake-eat? What GOOD is he to me as a father? I only want his money now. If he's not there to help, then give me a roof over my head and $ to help raise his child.

Please help...


Hi (Wife),

If it hasn't changed, (baby) should be going to the hospital tomorrow for checkup. I hope she is getting better.
Please let me know how you went.
I hope both of you are well, and that (baby) is ready to enjoy her first spring season to come.
Take care,
(husband)

PS: I had my meeting with (company) this week for a potential job on a new project (yet to be signed though). I am meeting with them again next week.

[pinhead]

Piano,

I'm so sorry you're hurting! ((((Piano))))

[gatsby11]

Hey P.

It so so so sucks to hear from the WHs. NC is a bajillion times better.

I am not sure if you have other family in your area, especially his family. But if you do (even if it's just your family), I would first wait a few days and then write back and say something like,

"Hi WH,

I need some space from you. Please write _____ for updates on bub until I tell you otherwise.

In a similar vein, please let me know when you have a job fully secured.

P"

I wasn't too good on that second line, but the point is "don't update me about every little cotton pickin thing with your job prospects!"


What I hear in that email, P, is guilt and a tinge of missing you. Seriously. I know it sounds distant to you, but he is telling you a lot more than he needs to.


If you send the above, you're not really breaking NC. Rather, you're enforcing it! You can still make your month!

[Piano]

Thanks G for getting it, yet again! That kind of email was exactly along the lines I was thinking. I want to put across:

+ Dont give me blow by blow updates of your life. Just send the cheque! ( We are SO not friends after you dumped me pregnant for another woman)
+ By the same token, I am not going to give you blow by blow accounts of bub (unless it is very critical, of course)
+ I need space from you because I do not agree or respect your decision.

I might as well use the occassion to ask him to not send me letters to bub..something along the lines of Babydoll's suggestion: 'I would prefer you not to write to bub until she is able to read the letters herself'.

Sound OK?

[Piano]

G, do you remember the story from Babydoll's thread about the old woman who told her that her husband had run off for 3 years? They eventually reconciled... I believe they had kids...

I bet she wasn't a nasty pasty in that time to her WH (although she mighta been if there was an OW!!!).

I am very aware that the Universe, bubs and WH are watching me. I don't have much respect for WH right now so maybe I don't care about earning his respect, but if there is EVER to be reconcilliation (and I beleive there isn't) then there has to be respect there... I guess I am asking for lessons in how to walk the HIGH ROAD cos I've never done it before in my life. Better buy some books on Ghandi and read up!

On the books front, yep! I am onto another great book (I don't think I mentioned it) called "The Gift Of Betrayal" (hate the title! Like ANYONE thinks of an emotional tsunami as a GIFT!) and it's teaching me that healing can take a very, very, very long time. That sort of takes the pressure off.

[Piano]

Btw G, WH wrote more in that email but I edited it down by two lines which were more detail about bub's condition.
Interesting you think that he said more than he needs to...
I think partly that he feels guilty (for everything AND for leaving the country without wanting to say goodbye to me or my family --- which is HUGE. They were SO close!)...

But a bigger part of me thinks he just wants me to accept this as the status quo and actually that he's happy as a pig in sh*t:

+ Is now a Father, with capitol 'F'; and a much better one than his own. Paying me child support eventually will be a pleasure because it will asuage his guilt and increase his feelings of ownership/investment
+ Has the woman of his dreams
+ Is now living again in the city with his best childhood friends and one or two adored family members
+ Is back living in the country/city of his origins and his dream city
+ Is on the cusp of getting a job in the industry of his dreams in the city of his dreams
+ Has no responsibilities. Free! Young again! New love!


I mean, heck, I know we are not supposed to focus on our spouses or soon to be ex-spouses, but life for WH is looking pretty HOT!

Compare this to me:

+ Shattered relationship, single, rebuilding dreams
+ single parenting
+ living with my parents
+ not living in the city/country I want to
+ bored with my job.

Ok...Clearly, since I can only control myself and am responsible for living the life I want, I HAVE WORK TO DO!

[gatsby11]

Hi girl! (Echoing our little girls. :))

Yeah, about the letters, it is probably a good time to throw it in. I wouldn't suggest that he doesn't write them, but instead that he gives them to her himself. Something like, "I received your letter to bub. I think it would be better if you gave them to her directly when she can read them."

If he doesn't read between the lines on that and keeps sending, then you can get more direct. Just my opinion!

High road, sheesh. . . I don't know. The only road I know is distant and polite!

Gift of Betrayal, hmm. Yeah, that title has got to be a major turn off. But I'm sure there are some gems in there. Can you let us know about them when you read them?

But a bigger part of me thinks he just wants me to accept this as the status quo

I thought that about my WH for a while. But now I think he wants me to reassure him that everything's okay. Your WH could be similar.

That's why I am so adamant over in my neck of the woods that I don't reassure him. We're not friends!!! What he did is not an acceptable, okay, regular life type of thing!

Both of our WHs know it. I think they're looking to us for support. But screw that!