Has your W given you any indication that's she interested in co-parenting the children with you?
It is not uncommon for the MLCer to disconnect not just with the spouse but with their children also.
Trapt gave you some very wise advice. Make the decisions for the children based on what is best for them. It's up to you at this time as it is obvious that your wife isn't even capable of making rational decisions concerning her own life much less your children's.
As hard as this is Radio, you need to leave your wife alone to deal with her own issues. When/if she does this then maybe you will have a chance at saving your M.
Has your W given you any indication that's she interested in co-parenting the children with you?
That's the thing. We both came from a difficult past, and have always shared the same philosophy and acted in perfect unison when it comes to (co)parenting our children. It's been one of the strong points of our marriage. In general, that didn't change after she moved out. She has called me every single night since she moved out, so that our daughter can say goodnight to me before she sleeps. Also, I pointed out in a previous thread that, after she returned from China, my wife seems to be making strong effort to maintain a positive relationship with our son. I can list many more positives about my wife, but you get the point.
What does change is when she cycles through depression, the brat comes out, or whatever. In that state of mind, I am the devil. She acts very, very irrational, spews venom left and right, and seems incapable/dis-interested in engaging me for anything related to family matters, parent decision-making, etc... And that is the flip-side behavior that my wife has exhibited since she returned from China. Her cycling/depression seems to happen much more often, in general, but is particularly vicious when she's going through her period. For the last 4-5 days she's been in a very dark place. Her face is all gaunt and sullen alot of times. She's obviously depressed. I swear, physically, it literally appears as if there is a dark, black cloud hanging over her head. Sad thing is, my son has even become aware of the 'crisis child', and has made comments about it - like, "Why is mom acting like me when I'm grumpy?", things like that... My 'real' wife is a good, good woman. However, she's facing the spiritual battle of a lifetime at the moment.
[quote] However, she's facing the spiritual battle of a lifetime at the moment.
This right here ^^^ is IMO the reason why you focus on you and the kids. It's her battle to fight and to able to heal from it she has to face and deal with those issues on her own.
I think you're expecting things of your W at this time that she just can't give you.
That's definitely another understatement. I basically have to 're-learn' how to interact with my wife again...sort of as if we just met...but just so happen to be married and have two children to raise. It's soooooooo trial-and-error to try and figure out what works and what doesn't.
Anyhow, I have a serious question. I read somewhere that it sometimes takes an external crisis to bring a person out of mid-life crisis. Do any of you all here have any experience/insight on this possibility? If my question is vague I can expand on what I mean, and why I am asking this question.
Radio, There was a former poster on this board that went through a MLC.
She came across an accident and got out to try to help. As the accident victim died in her arms it suddenly hit her and she asked herself what she was thinking. That was her awakening.
There was a former poster on this board that went through a MLC. She came across an accident and got out to try to help. As the accident victim died in her arms it suddenly hit her and she asked herself what she was thinking. That was her awakening.
It's interesting you posted that particular example. Something very sad happened in our neighborhood this past Monday, and is what prompted me to post my question. On Monday I was driving home from work around 4:30p, and was near an intersection that leads to a cul-de-sac where we live. Traffic was backed up, and I was about six cars back. As I got closer I saw someone lying in the middle of the road, a bicycle next to the person, and a small crowd gathered around. It turns out a 9-year old girl was hit by a car as she was trying to cross the road on her bike. She died on the way to the hospital.
Now, I've been through a lot in my individual life - the death of my parents when I was barely 12, a car accident when I was 22 that killed 3 friends, and other hard experiences. Because of my experiences I've developed very thick skin over the years. But man, a 9 year old girl?! I was, and still am, completely shaken up by this.
It sounds coarse to relate this to my experience with MLC/my wife but it happened so close to 'home,' and seems to have really impacted her as well. Outwardly, she has been quite engaged with the family since this happened. She had been completely ignoring e-mails I sent her regarding money matters, decisions on our son's viola class, etc... Just a small, but meaningful, example. She's been in her apartment for six months. For the past few months she's been promising to take Gabe swimming at the apartment complex community pool. She hadn't taken him not once, but yesterday finally took him for the first time.
So, I go back to my original question. Could something like this really wake her up? For her own sake I mean...
So, I go back to my original question. Could something like this really wake her up?
I don't like the terms "fog", "wake her/him up", and so on.
It sort of invalidates everything they are thinking and feeling.
Now, I do understand what we LBSs sometimes do this: we've done our own cost-benefit/risk assesment analysis, and we've come to the conclusion that starting over with somebody new poses its own problems, and that no matter who we wind up with, things are going to get to a point where it takes real work to make the marriage work sometimes. To us, this is REAL.
To the WAS, what they are feeling, thinking, and so on is very real too. Sometimes it's as simple as thinking "life is too short to spend it with somebody you don't love and may never love again".
Does that make them "wrong"? Would you be happy living with them if they openly resented living with you because they wanted to feel like they loved you? I doubt it.
If you think about it as a different kind of cost-benefit analysis--one where they think the cost is living a life they don't want with somebody who they don't feel they love with little chance that anything they do or try will change that--one that focuses very much on past negatives and present happiness, then I think it is more clear where the WAS is coming from.
They aren't asleep, they aren't in a fog. At some point, they looked at the marriage, saw no joy in it, looked back with a negative view on a past of resentment, and they felt real regret about it all, so they are dealing regret, resentment, and misery the best way they know how. The ARE trying to be strong too.
What they think is REAL. What they feel is REAL. It's as REAL as what you think and feel.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/02/1011:23 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-