The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Thanks sunshine

Divorce papers have not been filed. In this state, we have to file sep papers first, stay sep for 1 year (living apart physically) before divorce papers can be filed.

It really doesn't suck very much any more. It did for about a few minutes. Then it didn't.

One thing I have learned in this is that I am not a victim per se. I had control the whole time because I could have left. I know that. I am a victim in the sense that I never did anything to deserve the behavior she showed me. She even admitted it once for all the good it does but she did not have to: I know that. The MC said similar when she mentioned that it wasn't anything I did or could change. Her words: "this is 90% her and 10% you". I see what she meant now. She has a long way to go in accepting what has happened and her part in it. I do to some degree as well but for different reasons.

What's odd is that for the longest time I felt bad for her. Well, not odd. Normal I guess because I did love her very much and don't (still) want to see her harmed. It took me a very long time to give myself permission to let go the rest of the way. Now that I have, I feel pretty good that I did what I could.

I know I'm just dealing with the junk left over. I'm working through the pieces that need to be worked through as they arrive.

And for the record - she would stab me while looking me in the eyes if she could. Don't know why. Won't know why. But that is how it is. Adversarial to say the least.

That behavior pattern is something she has shown to her parents as well. I recall seeing that in the past and now. That's a using personality and I know that. She has done the same to her new friends, especially her train wreck friend. It broke my heart to see this. It broke my heart to see how she is using people, including me. That always saddens me to see people do that to other people. I always think, "what is going through their mind? They seem so scared and child like" when they do that.

But I also realize that is not the kind of person I want to be joined to for the rest of my life. I would have to get rid of her later I'm sure if that were what I was faced with. In that sense, it's not such a bad thing for me. For my kids? Let's not go there. For my STBX? I wish her the best, but I can see that is not likely to be the long term case. I hope I'm incorrect in that assumption. That the drinking, friends, etc. are not headed where I see them heading. But I see these folks as more f'd up then she is. Part of why she picks them. She stays with them until they tell her something she doesn't want to hear or deal with and then she drops them. They have all figured it out at some point and have been put on the side of the road to date.

Whatever. As long as my kids are ok, I'm ok. Annoyed at times. Sometimes even angry.

But as I mentioned, my goal is to be at peace with the way things are. In the end, she can't live up to her promises. She is mean and mean spirited. She is spiteful. She has all kinds of irrational fears. She wears guilt like a smelly and heavy coat. I honestly don't find that very appealing and feel lucky to not be around her. After the treatment I received from her, I'm glad I'm not insane.

I still remember the time she tried to get me to hit her. Really? That's so not me. She tried to get me to move out. Nope. Again not me. She wanted it to be my fault and disremembered so much to try and twist history to fit her story.

I haven't forgotten. I don't feel like I need revenge, but I do feel like I want to be left alone and not f'd with any longer. I mean, really? Does it really have to continue for a long time? (I do know the answer to that. This post has been venting).

Be at peace sunshine. I realize sometimes it is not easy. But it can be achieved. It is not really very far away. I'm tired. But I am not worn down. I am...me. And I like me. I will be at peace with this even though it will at some point be painful for a few minutes. I can deal.

AJ