Here's some quick advice you can put into effect immediately: you've seen your wife's profile on the dating website, set up a profile on the same dating website, fill in similar interests and criteria so that you show up in her search results. Get some good pics taken, set up a great profile that stands out from the rest and include a blurb in your profile that says you've enjoyed all the dates you've been on thus far.
And let her contact you about you being on a dating website and how long you've been on there, etc.
You don't contact her about her dating profile and you don't care about letting her family and friends know either. If they don't know now, they'll find out soon enough when she meets someone new.
Look at all the trouble and grief it's caused you to find out she's dating, there's no guarantee that this will work but at least she'll get the hint that you're no longer waiting around. What's the worst thing that can happen, she can't beat you up for having a profile on a dating website if she's been doing it. Plus you might actually get a chance to go out with some women in your area that you may find interesting - you may find that a great guy like yourself might be in demand because you're different from the rest of the jerks on that site.
You can be mysterious without going against your morals, values or beliefs. Just because you point a gun doesn't mean it's loaded.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
