See, this is where I am confused. I've said it before and I'll say it again. How is my sitch any different than anyone else here? I mean seriously.
The majority of people here have been told by their WAS they ewant a D. Ok, so does mine. Yet everyone here is looking for ways to deal with it and get advise for many issues such as saving the M, dealing with infidelity, etc. That's all I'm doing yet I'm not getting blasted for it.
If the advice to everyone else here is just to give up then this site would be pointless. This site is supposed to be about saving marriages, at least that's what I thought.
I agree with a lot of the advice here. Now that I have this new news of W wanting to date I've asked Allen on the other forum to let me know how to handle it. Everyone says that he's very good to talk to when infidelity is occuring. That's all I'm doing. Asking him what he thinks yet I'm being ridiculed for it. Why? Why the attacks?
Most everyone is still with me. I think they understand the pain I'm going through the past few days. Why is it so hard to realize that this hit me just like the news when she left me? That I am trying to process everything right now? Good Lord, all I'm trying to do is deal with this and ask what others think too. Give me some slack everyone, please.
I'm not rushing into any decisions.
Bro I don't think anyone here is against you, on the contrary, why would anyone bother posting on your thread if we were against you?
Here's my take.
Your wife separated from you in October 2009 or somewhere around that time, something like 10+ months ago. She literally separated, moved out, got her own place. Didn't give you a chance to go to counseling, just dropped the "bomb" on you, didn't communicate to you that she was going to leave you if you didn't smarten up, etc.
I believe that she may have been involved with someone at that point. It may have been a PA, or EA or both or maybe she fell in love with someone at work but nothing ever took place, she just fell for some other guy and never acted on it. Obviously this is just my theory on your situation.
You bought all the books, did your 180's, changed as much as you could yet no change in your situation.
You cling to hope that possibly she'll snap out of her funk and give you a chance.
You're currently in the process of selling the house, the rest of the assets have been divided already. Divorce paperwork is around the corner. She's been living on her own for quite some time. If she hasn't been with another man all this time, she's probably feeling the "need" for it if you know what i'm talking about. Hence the dating website.
She could have you at anytime. She knows this. She has to have seen by now that you are willing to move heaven and earth to be with her but it's not enough. Your gifts and constant attention and your clearly visible intentions to want to reconcile and work on the marriage with her are obvious to her as they are with the rest of us.
But still she doesn't want to reconcile.
She has set up a profile on a dating website and wants to date other men. She has easily been contacted by several dozen men at this point and she's going through the emails and speaking to a few of them, you aren't with her everyday so it's quite possible she's already been on a few dates.
Yet you still wait for her to change her mind about all of this.
It took her quite a while to follow up on some simple decisions to be made about the house, that suggests to me that either it really isn't important to her or she possibly feels guilty about speaking to you because it's easy for her to move on and you are still stuck in your parked position. She may feel bad about you but she isn't going to come back to you because she feels bad about you. She isn't going to come back to you because she feels guilty.
She wants something different and she's actively looking for it. She is pursuing something different, different from you.
If she wanted you, she knows that she could have you but she doesn't want you. She wants someone else.
You want someone (your wife) who doesn't want you.
It's very unattractive, it tends to push people away.
She rejects you and you keep wanting her more & more, that's the reality of your situation. She's dating other men and you still want her.
Is your situation different from all of these other stories on these forums? Not so much so from a story standpoint or your particular actions up until this point.
Gucci has commented on your thread several times, he gave you some good advice and some action plans to put in place but if I remember correctly, you couldn't do some of the things he asked. So you were willing to continue doing what YOU felt was the right thing to do even though you were told that if you didn't do something differently you would continue getting the same results.
Well you're getting the same results you've always experienced in your situation and you're still feeling the pain of those results.
How many times do you hit yourself in the head with a hammer before you realize that it's not good for you and only causes you pain?
When is it time you do something different?
Here's some quick advice you can put into effect immediately: you've seen your wife's profile on the dating website, set up a profile on the same dating website, fill in similar interests and criteria so that you show up in her search results. Get some good pics taken, set up a great profile that stands out from the rest and include a blurb in your profile that says you've enjoyed all the dates you've been on thus far.
And let her contact you about you being on a dating website and how long you've been on there, etc.
You don't contact her about her dating profile and you don't care about letting her family and friends know either. If they don't know now, they'll find out soon enough when she meets someone new.
Look at all the trouble and grief it's caused you to find out she's dating, there's no guarantee that this will work but at least she'll get the hint that you're no longer waiting around. What's the worst thing that can happen, she can't beat you up for having a profile on a dating website if she's been doing it. Plus you might actually get a chance to go out with some women in your area that you may find interesting - you may find that a great guy like yourself might be in demand because you're different from the rest of the jerks on that site.
Check out gucci's recent thread, specifically the first few posts he wrote on what the LBS has to do and ACTUALLY DO IT instead of coming up with excuses on why you can't do this or that.
Or you can continue posting on your thread asking for advice on what to do even though you never act on any of it.
