My wife has been a frequent questioner of what it means to "work on a relationship." That's why a good, solution based counselor is worth their weight in gold. That's not to put all of the onus on a counselor. You need to lead in your own reconciliation, if that's the point you're at. I think that if there's one thing that can save a troubled relationship, it's improving your listening skills. I wouldn't be here today if I knew that 10 years ago.
As to the vows...
My belief is that when there's been adultery or if one person has "left" the marriage (not separation, but divorce) the vows are null and void. Your mileage may vary.
