Yeah, a lot of what-ifs. I'm not beating myself up any more, just wanted to dump them all out here. After reading about affairs, and what happens inside the betrayed spouse's brain, I know there is no way I could have been that strong. Wasn't capable of it, so I'm letting go of all those what-ifs.
There was a movie back ten years ago or so called "Fearless" about some people who survived a plane crash. A woman was heartbroken because she survived, but her infant son, who she was carrying in her lap, was killed. She beat herself up, kept saying she didn't hold onto him tight enough, and he died because she failed. Finally her friend strapped her in the passenger seat of his car, gave her a bag of flour and told her to hold onto it as tight as she could, then purposely crashed the car at high speed into a brick wall. The bag of flour flew out of her arms and smashed against the dashboard, finally convincing her that it wasn't her fault. She wasn't capable of holding onto her baby when the plane crashed. She could let go of her guilt. Awesome movie.
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Besides, maybe YOU wouldn't have been ready to be the "New-and-Improved Future" then that you are now, and you wouldn't have been reconcilation-worthy, kwim??
