Looking for help with WAW

[pinhead]

mza8,

We're still with you. Don't think otherwise.

Would it make any difference how you should act if you had found out on Bomb Day that she was on a dating site? Sure it affects your feelings now, but it shouldn't affect the path YOU choose.

[mza8]

PH, I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. My prayers are with her and your family. How are you doing with your cancer? Is everything ok?

I hear what you're saying about wanting to look for the opinion you want to hear.

I think if my W told me on the bomb day that she was dating I would have approached the situation differently than I did. I would have done back then what I'm trying to do now which is to see if and how to confront her and expose. I agree that it shouldn;t affect my path now. Trying to figure out what that path is at the moment.

I appreciate everyone sticking with me. Just trying to deal with this confusion. Sometimes I vent, sometimes I think out loud and sometimes I want to run ideas by everyone to get their input. Taking things day by day...sometimes hour by hour.

[CityGirl]

Nobody is suggesting you make rush decisions. What we are suggesting is for you to at least consider the fact that your W is not having an affair. She didn't just casually inform you she wanted a divorce and never mention it again. She told you she wanted a divorce, asked for a separation that you would not agree to, she LEFT you, has hardly spoken to you for a year except for the house issue, tried to move you closer to a separation by including 'language' indicating such in house paperwork and has blatantly refused any pursuing or attempt you have made to have her work on things.

Now she wants to date. Well, my guess is she wanted to date all along and finally decided she is doing waiting around for you to comply with the legal aspect of separation.

None of the questions we are asking you are unfair. Your W has behaved like a spoiled child for months now - she would not even help clean the home she (half) owns despite her desire to be rid of it. You didn't feel the need to expose any of that or at the very least set boundaries.

Some WAS are done. Plain and simple. It hurts but it is how it is.

All along there has been some very good suggestions made to you... finding a C who is more solution based and not just one who talks with you is crucial. You don't post goals that are concrete and I do think a different kind of C can help in that area.

Now though you are in a bind because you never set boundaries with your WAS and now you want to as things are totally winding down.

Go read some of the other forums - one poster comes to mind that hung around for 2 years for his W to return, she did and she left him again. Twice. And now due to his income he is getting financially raped. Financially raped, emotionally raped... there comes a time when you have to realize what is going on.

Your W is angry but IMO she is angry because you won't comply with her desire to divorce.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

This place is essentially here to save Ms. However it is taught that DBing is more about saving your M, it's about saving yourself.

I think it's safe to say the we can agree to disagreed about the infidelity aspect.
Take me for example. My W left because she was unhappy with the M. I confirmed there was no A. So we are both in the same boat there.

I haven't been with my W in over a year. I found out two weeks ago that she has slept with someone else. I would be naive to think that since our M was pretty much sexless that she wouldn't want to go out and experience that part of a R she was missing.

Did it hurt?? It stung a little but since I myself am out on the dating scene it didn't bother me much.

Do I feel my W cheated on me???
Absolutely Not!

In May I asked her if D is what she wanted and she said yes.
From that point on I didn't care what she did. She wanted a D. Now I am the one who contacted her so we could move things forward. I have accepted she no longer wants me now or maybe ever.

I value my life and happiness too much now to about whether or not my W will wake up. I owe my new attitude to the folks here who have helped me and myself for deciding to take controll of my life.

Letting go is important, once you truely do this you will be in such a better place.

I don't know if Allen has read your sitch from the beginning, but I think he should so he knows all the facts. IMO

As Pinhead said, we are here for you.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Some WAS are done. Plain and simple. It hurts but it is how it is.

I have taken this belief in my W and it has helped ME to move on.

CG has given you the female perspective and I agree with her 100%

[Dudess]

If the advice to everyone else here is just to give up then this site would be pointless. This site is supposed to be about saving marriages, at least that's what I thought.

IMO, the only chance you have of saving your marriage at this point IS to back off, say nothing about her dating profile and start dating yourself. It's a long shot, but I think it's your only shot. Anything else will increase her desire to get away from you.

[Steve McQueen]

See, this is where I am confused. I've said it before and I'll say it again. How is my sitch any different than anyone else here? I mean seriously.

Yours? Not much. Like so many others that come and go from this site you like them are hanging on to every little scrap thrown your way. Clinging to them.

Hoping that agreeing with her to get rid of the last asset you share will convince her to change her mind. When it won't. Thinking that if you embarrass yourself by exposing the fact that she is now interested in other men she will some how come to thinking that marriage counseling is the savior. When it won't. on and on and on.

So many different signs that the best solution is to 'set them free' are misinterpreted as hopes of reconciliation.

I remember some guy on this site whose wife would 'blast' at him about everything he did or said over instant messenger and he would find hope in that. She wouldn’t give him the time of day otherwise. Slept with other men.

So. No. you really aren't different. And I wouldn't consider it infidelity at this point, more like, she is realizing she needs some male companionship and is seeking it out. It's probably about time

I think if my W told me on the bomb day that she was dating I would have approached the situation differently than I did.

Well now she did. How will you approach the situation differently? How many different ways does need to say it until you realize?

[robx]

See, this is where I am confused. I've said it before and I'll say it again. How is my sitch any different than anyone else here? I mean seriously.

The majority of people here have been told by their WAS they ewant a D. Ok, so does mine. Yet everyone here is looking for ways to deal with it and get advise for many issues such as saving the M, dealing with infidelity, etc. That's all I'm doing yet I'm not getting blasted for it.

If the advice to everyone else here is just to give up then this site would be pointless. This site is supposed to be about saving marriages, at least that's what I thought.

I agree with a lot of the advice here. Now that I have this new news of W wanting to date I've asked Allen on the other forum to let me know how to handle it. Everyone says that he's very good to talk to when infidelity is occuring. That's all I'm doing. Asking him what he thinks yet I'm being ridiculed for it. Why? Why the attacks?

Most everyone is still with me. I think they understand the pain I'm going through the past few days. Why is it so hard to realize that this hit me just like the news when she left me? That I am trying to process everything right now? Good Lord, all I'm trying to do is deal with this and ask what others think too. Give me some slack everyone, please.

I'm not rushing into any decisions.

Bro I don't think anyone here is against you,
on the contrary, why would anyone bother posting on your thread if we were against you?

Here's my take.

Your wife separated from you in October 2009 or somewhere around that time, something like 10+ months ago. She literally separated, moved out, got her own place. Didn't give you a chance to go to counseling, just dropped the "bomb" on you, didn't communicate to you that she was going to leave you if you didn't smarten up, etc.

I believe that she may have been involved with someone at that point. It may have been a PA, or EA or both or maybe she fell in love with someone at work but nothing ever took place, she just fell for some other guy and never acted on it. Obviously this is just my theory on your situation.

You bought all the books, did your 180's, changed as much as you could yet no change in your situation.

You cling to hope that possibly she'll snap out of her funk and give you a chance.

You're currently in the process of selling the house, the rest of the assets have been divided already. Divorce paperwork is around the corner. She's been living on her own for quite some time. If she hasn't been with another man all this time, she's probably feeling the "need" for it if you know what i'm talking about. Hence the dating website.

She could have you at anytime.
She knows this.
She has to have seen by now that you are willing to move heaven and earth to be with her but it's not enough.
Your gifts and constant attention and your clearly visible intentions to want to reconcile and work on the marriage with her are obvious to her as they are with the rest of us.

But still she doesn't want to reconcile.

She has set up a profile on a dating website and wants to date other men. She has easily been contacted by several dozen men at this point and she's going through the emails and speaking to a few of them, you aren't with her everyday so it's quite possible she's already been on a few dates.

Yet you still wait for her to change her mind about all of this.

It took her quite a while to follow up on some simple decisions to be made about the house, that suggests to me that either it really isn't important to her or she possibly feels guilty about speaking to you because it's easy for her to move on and you are still stuck in your parked position. She may feel bad about you but she isn't going to come back to you because she feels bad about you. She isn't going to come back to you because she feels guilty.

She wants something different and she's actively looking for it. She is pursuing something different, different from you.

If she wanted you, she knows that she could have you but she doesn't want you. She wants someone else.

You want someone (your wife) who doesn't want you.

It's very unattractive, it tends to push people away.

She rejects you and you keep wanting her more & more, that's the reality of your situation. She's dating other men and you still want her.

Is your situation different from all of these other stories on these forums? Not so much so from a story standpoint or your particular actions up until this point.

Gucci has commented on your thread several times, he gave you some good advice and some action plans to put in place but if I remember correctly, you couldn't do some of the things he asked. So you were willing to continue doing what YOU felt was the right thing to do even though you were told that if you didn't do something differently you would continue getting the same results.

Well you're getting the same results you've always experienced in your situation and you're still feeling the pain of those results.

How many times do you hit yourself in the head with a hammer before you realize that it's not good for you and only causes you pain?

When is it time you do something different?

Here's some quick advice you can put into effect immediately: you've seen your wife's profile on the dating website, set up a profile on the same dating website, fill in similar interests and criteria so that you show up in her search results. Get some good pics taken, set up a great profile that stands out from the rest and include a blurb in your profile that says you've enjoyed all the dates you've been on thus far.

And let her contact you about you being on a dating website and how long you've been on there, etc.

You don't contact her about her dating profile and you don't care about letting her family and friends know either. If they don't know now, they'll find out soon enough when she meets someone new.

Look at all the trouble and grief it's caused you to find out she's dating, there's no guarantee that this will work but at least she'll get the hint that you're no longer waiting around. What's the worst thing that can happen, she can't beat you up for having a profile on a dating website if she's been doing it. Plus you might actually get a chance to go out with some women in your area that you may find interesting - you may find that a great guy like yourself might be in demand because you're different from the rest of the jerks on that site.

Check out gucci's recent thread, specifically the first few posts he wrote on what the LBS has to do and ACTUALLY DO IT instead of coming up with excuses on why you can't do this or that.

Or you can continue posting on your thread asking for advice on what to do even though you never act on any of it.

[robx]

here is what bustorama recently posted in his thread,
maybe you should understand the mindset behind this:

... my wife is not cheating on me. If she was, I would not be speaking to her at all, and I would have already filed for divorce. It's a dealbreaker boundary for me, and I told her this early on.

Your wife is on a dating website, it is her intent to be with other men. Let her go, you've been hanging on to someone who doesn't want you.

[Coach]

Here's some quick advice you can put into effect immediately: you've seen your wife's profile on the dating website, set up a profile on the same dating website, fill in similar interests and criteria so that you show up in her search results. Get some good pics taken, set up a great profile that stands out from the rest and include a blurb in your profile that says you've enjoyed all the dates you've been on thus far.

And let her contact you about you being on a dating website and how long you've been on there, etc.

You don't contact her about her dating profile and you don't care about letting her family and friends know either. If they don't know now, they'll find out soon enough when she meets someone new.

Look at all the trouble and grief it's caused you to find out she's dating, there's no guarantee that this will work but at least she'll get the hint that you're no longer waiting around. What's the worst thing that can happen, she can't beat you up for having a profile on a dating website if she's been doing it. Plus you might actually get a chance to go out with some women in your area that you may find interesting - you may find that a great guy like yourself might be in demand because you're different from the rest of the jerks on that site.

You can be mysterious without going against your morals, values or beliefs. Just because you point a gun doesn't mean it's loaded.