Oh, my dear, dear friends. Thank you so much for these words that I woke up to today (yes, slept late due to the pickling of my head - I felt hungover this morning). I feel a little guilty that any of you actually took time out to respond to that outburst last night.
At least I can see that there are much fewer triggers to the crazy at this stage in the game - maybe this is even the last one...?
It doesn't seem that I move on and grow without a screaming and kicking fight, but I am getting there, nonetheless.
The inner child who reacts/wants to stay codependent/feels every emotion so hugely, would still like to take a bat to that woman's head. Luckily, the adult Donna, I am in charge!
I am an optimist; at least that is how I self-identify. I always have been. See, I listed the trials and tribulations that I have gone through, because of how I got through them - it was hard, I was sad, but a NORMAL level of sad. I didn't loose my sh!t. As a matter of fact, I was strong and able to deal with the crisis smoothly, and able to be there for anyone around me who was struggling. (An ACOA trait, actually - calm and collected in a crisis). I felt things, but my head also stayed in control - there's that word...
The crazy person that this betrayal brought out in me.......that has never been me. Not only did my entire world turn upside down, but I became someone unrecognizable to myself. I would have been very happy to live my life without ever having to get to deal with that inner crazy that must have been in there all this time. And it would have been nice if I didn't have to meet and deal with X's inner NPD, either. But, I guess both things had to come out eventually (amazing that it held together for as long as it did, really).
So, here we are, and I am dealing with it. Learning, growing and healing.
This quote:
Quote:
I think that in your marriage, you were like a canary in a cage...beautiful, singing and confined...you were happy because it was what you knew...now the door is open and it is exciting and scary and sad that the cage is gone...you know...no seeds right there BUT now you can pick your own seeds, sing where you want!!!! It is scary to be without that security blanket but so much more liberating and comfortable, in the end, to have made your own
Fig, did you know that I have decorated my house with butterflies and birds? I have statuettes of birds throughout the house, and a few birdcages, as well. I have always displayed the cages with the doors open...
