Posted this on Seeing Red's thread but thought since it's mostly about me and my mindset, I would also post it here (you know - being my thread and all!)
I have taken a lot of stock in what Allen is saying about evaluating a spouse on misconceived notions of value. In my mind, I keep comparing current H to old H and reminiscing about how things were. Do I think H was the best father and H he could be given his upbringing and background? Yes. Was it "good enough"? Well - yes in a lot of ways. However, I needed to reconsider base values! Lately I have stopped comparing current H in my mind to old H as "the standard" I want to get back to. I started thinking of the men in my life who are so incredible: dad, brother, uncle, grandfather... Now, when I think about acceptable/desirable H/Father, I think of THOSE standards, not "old H": those values. There's a big difference.
What does that mean in terms of my marriage? Well, it means that if I am going to hold myself up to a new standard of being as a result of all this turmoil, I am also going to hold H up to a new standard if we are to fully reconcile! Because - yes, I believe I needed to change myself. I am accepting my role in the failure of this R and realizing my part in my own unhappiness. If I am to be a "new Sunny" then new, improved Sunny deserves H to step up to the plate too.
