Am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically.
The nice man with the nice house back East wants to give me a job. But that job would require a lot of overseas travel.
Fellow with a job in the old Duce's country has offered it to me. Buck-twenty, housing, generous car allowance (got my eye on one of those Fasteratis).
Another fellow in Old Down East state wants to offer me a gig. Buck and a nickel, ridiculously priced housing (could get me a circa 1790 stone farmhouse at 4,700 sq. ft. with an in-ground cement pond, a stone barn at 1,500 sq. ft. kitted out as an office and gym and workshop, and 14 acres of land for my horses (or ATVs, as the case may be), for under Two-Fitty.
But all of them mean leaving Themselves. A Rubicon I just can't cross at the moment.
Which leaves me here, a la @Thinker, in Limboland.
There's a lot of living out there. I don't see much of it here.
Meanwhile, I just keep on keeping on, breaking up my past patterns, much to the [often amusing] frustration of STBX Herself.
She busted herself up somehow but refuses to ask for help, though Themselves tell me she laments not having it when they're chez STBX -- but I'm dammmmmed if I'm going to offer it.
She changes the custody schedule, I accept; then the "urgent thing" is suddenly less urgent and she wants to go back to the original, "unless you have already made plans."
I reply that whether or not I have plans is irrelevant; the schedule is set, I agreed to the change, and that's that.
She pokes, she probes, she prods; Bartleby-like, I let it all pass by, preferring not to respond. So she ups the ante: "Can I ask you something? Do you ever miss being married to me?"
That's a fine way to end a mandatory appearance at The Boy's birthday party, the two of us athwart a booth-table of rapidly diminishing size, Herself looking like Herself -- a dangerous thing.
And Smiley's Person smiles a Cheshire smile, looks directly and deeply into her eyes, pouring it all on, and in his best whisky voice murmurs, "I'm sorry - did you say something?"
Who the he'll had a stone farmhouse in 1790 that had 4700 sq. feet in it? Wow! Sounds nice!
She seems to get some satisfaction/security with knowing that she still has some part of you...uh, er...knowing that some part of you still cares...to some degree.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
But all of them mean leaving Themselves. A Rubicon I just can't cross at the moment.
So how could you find a job that appeals to you and have Themselves the majority of the time? There has to be a acceptable solution.
Quote:
Yossarian: Is Orr crazy? Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Of course he is. He has to be crazy to keep flying after all his close calls he's had. Yossarian: Why can't you ground him? Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: I can, but first he has to ask me. Yossarian: That's all he's gotta do to be grounded? Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: That's all. Yossarian: Then you can ground him? Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: No. Then I cannot ground him. Yossarian: Aah! Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: There's a CATCH? Yossarian: A catch? Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Sure. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat isn't really crazy, so I can't ground him. Yossarian: Ok, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy. And I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy anymore, and I have to keep flying. Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: You got it, that's Catch-22. Yossarian: Whoo... That's some catch, that Catch-22. Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: It's the best there is.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What would happen if you were give notice that you were moving and planning to take the kids with you?
ie: It's in the best interest of the kids to have a more stable financial future, a happier primary care giver, a bigger house (with a pool and a pony ), safer schools etc etc
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Mandatory court appearance on Friday. We will see what the New Mouthpiece does and how Hizzoner responds.
At the end of "Where the Buffalo Roam," the not-entirely-successful film "inspired by the twisted legend of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson," Dr. Gonzo (YouTube @ 1:42) laments that "it still hasn't gotten weird enough for me."
Of course, Dr. Gonzo wasn't being divorced by STBX.
It has gotten way weird enough for me. Too weird even for my usual recounting of events. Allow me, if you might, to give an example:
For reasons known only unto STBX Herself, I have recently been accused of causing her -- by virtue of my comparative inaccessibility -- so much stress that she cannot sleep and has acquired a nerve malady so severe that, she claims, she is "possibly suffering permanent physical damage" as a result.
She has also professed herself in possession of a Sudden Fear, again for reasons known only unto Herself, that I am going to be "like the Blue Hills guy" -- a local getting-divorced fellow who murdered his children and committed suicide to get back at his soon-to-be-ex.
All of this is on the basis of my unwillingness to engage her in personal conversation.
Let us be clear. I have not engaged her in personal conversation. I have not yelled, cursed, raged, bemoaned, or otherwise inflicted upon her any untoward emotional states. From time-to-time, I have asked empirical questions. I have made arrangements for the children.
Above all, I have refused to Take the Bait. Por ejemplo:
Today, I needed to take my car in for servicing. I pointed this out to her in response to her request to drop the children off bright-and-early. I noted that I would have to get back home, which is about 6 miles from the shop. (This, I thought [though I did not share this thought], would be a good excuse for a run.) Consequently, it would have to be bright and not-so-early.
So.
No more than 48 hours after the aforementioned descriptions, she offered to give me a lift back from the shop, because this would be "better" for her. I politely declined.
She restated the offer. I declined.
She re-restated the offer.
Tiring of the game -- Miss Someone has observed that STBX has, over the past couple months, really reallyreally been trying to get me to play my former marital roles -- I stated that my conscience and the respect and esteem in which I hold her as the mother of our children forbade my acceptance of her very kind offer, as I was loathe indeed to put her into such close proximity with so profound a source of permanent-physical-damage-inducing, child-killing, suicide-committing stress.
To this she replied, "I am sorry to hear that."
Um, wha'? You state that in your point-of-view I'm a potential child-murderer and two days later offer me a ride, three times, which I decline, three times, and then you tell me you're sorry I'm unwilling to accept your offer? Why? Because it would be more convenient for you if I scheduled my life around your schedule, the way I used to?
Whoa.
In the Annals of Not Getting-It-dom, this is Olympic gold medal/Stanley Cup/Lombardy Trophy/Tour de France yellow jersey-winning Not Getting It.
Yeah, man -- it has definitely gotten weird enough for me.
That is some catch, that Catch-22 -- the best there is.
Well, here we go. Sitting in the courtoom, waiting for the bailiff to call Hizzoner. Saw STBX outside the courtroom -- knife, meet tension. This isn't The End, beautiful friends, but it's the beginning of The End. Let's see what Fate (and The Law - dum-dum-dummmmmm!) have in store for Smiley's Person Himself, late of The Circus, Once and Future Spy in the House of Love, sitting here in Saigon, waiting for a Mission.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Lawyers are out in the hallway, trying to concoct something to tell Hizzoner. STBX is in there with them - I'm staying out of it. My presence would surely make her even more defensive as the question of her money gets dissected, especially given the fact that she apparently just made some kind of kazillion-dubloon land deal with Big Developer for some property she and her siblings inherited that their grandfather bought back in the Depression and which was always basically worthless but is now right where it should be.
Whatever they put together, I can always say "no," and I'm trying to do Right Mindfulness, so I'm sitting in courtroom outlining the Great American Divorce Book, covertly taking notes on other peoples' sitches.
++
Mouthpiece just came in with some questions:
*Would I take a lump-sum alimony buyout? Maybe, depends on how many Benjamins I'd forego. I'm not too worried about the tax implications of monthly support.
*Would I be willing to take less child custody? Not even no - oh hell f**king no. Bailiff: No swearing in court! SP Himself: sorry, don't tase me, bro.
*Would I be willing to take less child custody? Not even no - oh hell f**king no. Bailiff: No swearing in court! SP Himself: sorry, don't tase me, bro.
Don't you dare take less, what would she give up if you asked for more custody?
You don't score on 100% of the shots you don't take.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
), safer schools etc etc