The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
Yep, that was the right instinct. This week we are back to the disrespect. She picked up the kids early yesterday without telling me and then was going to take my son to school without taking into account the arrangements we had made.
Ok. She can continue to act that way. I refuse to sink to that level, but I do notice it. I also notice that I will not react to it until the time is right.
For whatever reason we are still waiting for her lawyer to respond. Go figure. This is a long drawn out event and not a fast, hit and run party. I have always known that.
I spoke to the pastor yesterday about the stuff going on. The other night my daughter was in a fit. She was trying to pick a fight with me. Hard to see if it was normal 15yr old girl stuff or something else, but my instinct told me something else. We went through it and in the end she spent 20 minutes sobbing in my arms about the situation. I cried as well. For me it was the pain of seeing her in pain and knowing that she bottled all of it up for so long waiting for me to be stable enough and the to prove that I am stable enough to handle her pain. That saddens me but I see it. This is where the therapist pays off because she had given some pointers as to how to handle these moments with my daughter. I have been very worried about her and her emotions. I'm very relieved to see her getting them out but realize we have to work on a different way of getting them out else risk that she'll only learn to relate emotions in this fight-release way. She deserves better and I'll see to it she gets better.

Pastor and I also spoke about the past. I realize I will never know what really happened. Not all of it. But I can see that STBX originally had very low self esteem. Not sure why. Not going to know if that came before the self-centeredness and selfishness or after. That led to the disrespect of me. Which led to the re-remembering the past and likely EA/PA if I had to guess. That would explain the valentine's day card as well. The selfishness and low self-esteem are also tied to the mommy guilt etc. I see it, but I don't get it. I won't be able to. I won't be able to think that way and I know that.
I also expressed that I may not have really wanted her back. I would have accepted her back, but I wonder right now if a part of me really never wanted her back. Or if that's just a new thing as a protection mechanism.
We talked about how it seems crazy to me that stbx blamed me for everything and accused me of being mean and abusive to the kids and then left them with me on mother's day. Hmm... How she accused me of all kinds of things - I now know that was projection. We talked about that as the past. It is the past. What boggles my mind and I realize I won't ever understand as well is why she tries to still reach out and hurt me in any way she can. Or as my father puts it, she won't "win" until you "lose". Huh? Except he's right I think. Sure it's more than that, but that's one thing that it feels like. Even though she got what she wanted, she is trying to control and inflict pain at me. I can feel it.
Pastor suggested it may be due to the low self-esteem; somebody with that problem will often try to raise their self-esteem by dragging others down. Sick, but true. I've seen that in other situations before.
I see now why the MC said that I'll be long done and then she will make up her mind. I see now why STBX is such an overachiever as well - low self-esteem.

I see much more than previously and it doesn't stop.

It doesn't matter either. I just look back and journal it in hopes it may help somebody else see something or understand or it may bring peace to them.

Not sure why this had to happen in our lives. Really won't ever know. But it is what it is and moving on is the way to go. I am. I realized that the pain will continue for years. That's ok. I think feeling it is better than being numb or looking back and not feeling pain. If I did not feel it, my time would have been wasted. I did love her deeply and will miss that person. I do NOT miss the person she is and will not be treated poorly. A time will come when I can effectively stop that. That won't be until after the legal dust settles down some. That is delayed by her at the moment but if I see the pattern correctly, that won't stay that way for very long. I would guess I'll hear something between now and the early part of next week.

Just a guess but I'm rarely wrong about the patterns.

My goal is to become even more at peace with this situation. I am moving on that goal and progressing. I am rebuilding my self-esteem and getting stronger with every minute that goes by.

Peace to you all.
AJ