New here but learning slowly. Advice appreciated

[warriorshadow]

Alb,

Totally relate to the experimenting thing.

irish,

Lack of moral grounding is so true.
Why would a mom want to break a family up so
you can only see your young 3 sons every other
week?
Selfishness, Lack of responsibility, and loss of
spiritual life ( I see so much guilt in her )

This MLC stuff continues to just blow me away
every morning I wake up.

I can deal with the blaming me for everything even
though I know that this was not my fault. But
it is the kids future that is just so hard to
comprehend.

The behavior is so out of whack for the person we
knew for 99 percent of the marriage.

Thank God for this board. At least we have a place
to go where others are experiencing the same thing.
As fascinating as it is, you can't help but think
to yourself that maybe some of their evil behavior
has some truth to the way they feel deep down. Then who
in the he11 did we marry 20 some years ago?

So we try to rationalize and say they do all of this
because of the pain they are experiencing. That is what
makes this so hard for all of us.
If you can get your arms around the childhood issues
that are haunting them and causing them pain, you can
argue that a lifetime of this buried stuff has to get
resolved in a 3-5 year period for them to come out whole
from this is probably worth it. One thing is for sure,
this person is not the same one that you have the beautiful
memories with and planned to be with for your whole life.

If that person does not return a better person on the other
side of the tunnel, then we still have our true selves to
continue moving through life with.

I saw a figure of 80% get through this. That means 20% live
a life of never resolving these childhood issues? That is
sad. 2 out of 10 is still a lot of people in my book. I notice
that more men seem to go through this than women on this board.

My C says he sees more Women than Men go through this. This
leads me to be confused. Maybe women are a little more insightful
to do something about it like you two are and men just give up
to easily. You have to be intuitive to find yourself here on this
board to begin with don't you?


You both got me thinking this morning.

[ltaylor]

Warrior, did you ever start your own thread? It would be easier for me to locate you if I knew where to go. I still haven't figured out this forum stuff. The only way I know how to look for my favs is to find a post they've written in my thread and then click on their name, and then view posts and then go and make a comment in the last place they posted. Seems like a pain in the butt to find your friends.

Hope all is well with you today.

[ltaylor]

Punkin..I agree with the mental institution comment. There really should be a place we could check them into so that they don't harm themselves or anyone else while they are mental.

Alb..this is the first time I've been to your thread and I agree with you about being fascinated with the whole process of MLC. It amazes me that I hadn't heard of this in my 53 years of life, and now have to live it. And it's so hard to see someone you love go thru it too..just looking at them you can see how screwed up they are, and it's natural to want to help them, cuz you love them..and then you think about them with the OW, and it kinda makes you want to just punch them right in the nose.

[Albuquerque]

Journaling

H flew out of town two days ago. This is the trip to do contract work but also where the OW lives. He stopped by the house prior to leaving to help D with some stuff and I wished him a safe trip. He still doesn't know I know about the OW so I didn't want to wish him a PLEASANT trip or PRODUCTIVE trip or anything that would get him mind running. He texted me to let me know he landed but I didn't respond. It wasn't a question and I didn't really feel like responding.
Didn't hear from him until he decided to call me today. D and me had planned to be at our rental house today doing some last minute painting. He called to see how everything was going. Seemed strange to me that he'd call but I keep reminding myself (MLC!). I updated him on the house and asked how he was. He went on at length about the job etc etc. Half made me wonder if I had misinterpreted whether he was having an A with the OW but then I remembered (believe none of what they say and half of what they do). Especially when I remind myself that it's only been 5 days since he requested starting the legal separation process.
I continue to GAL. One main obstacle has been scheduling my work days around D. Normally, I could count on H picking her up from school on days that I work late. Even though he has continued to do so, I don't like having to consult with him about my schedule anymore. So I'm working on building contacts with other parents on getting her home. If he offers to pick her up then great. But otherwise, I want to make my own schedule without NEEDING his help. And on a fun note, I've signed D and I up for a tandem hangliding event next weekend. Should be fun!

[peacetoday]

Wow you sound good
very focused and strong
I like the way you are trying to get support and help from others parents
we cant depend on the MLCer
so that will make you life easoer and hopefully open up new freindships
peace

[Albuquerque]

Journaling

Well, I received some bad news this week. I'll be forced to go part time and will, as a result, lose insurance and benefits. So that stinks. Fortunately, I have been doing a lot of relief work (I'm a veterinarian and can take over shifts for other clinics) and that is lucrative and makes scheduling around school easier. But I still need to work on the logistics of getting D home on time. Haven't quite figured that all out yet. So in the end, I might end up making more, but I'll have to pay for insurance out of pocket so it might end up a wash.
My H knew I was meeting with my boss the day of the news but didn't bother asking me about the meeting so I didn't tell him. I knew I'd have to eventually because he's still on my insurance plan. Well, the next day (yesterday), he arrived at our house so that we could go as a family to take my D to her freshman orientation in high school. There was also an orientation for parents. My H was really down and tired. He said that he'd ended up sleeping most of the previous day and was still tired. He mentioned several times that he was "broken". I told him I was sorry he wasn't feeling well and let him know that although there wasn't anything I thought I could do, to let me know if he needed anything. He seemed appreciative but still down. He mentioned that he had a doctor's appt and that's when I mentioned my news. It really seemed to hit him hard. Harder than I think it hit me. On the drive home, he asked me if I was still seeing an IC (I had told him I was several months back). I let him know that it had been a while but yes. He asked if it helped and I said yes, it was good to have a "sounding board". I left it at that.
This morning he let me know that he had similar sleep issues again so at 4 am finally started reading the Midlife crisis book I had recommended to him weeks ago. I didn't ask what he thought and he didn't really say other than to say he wasn't expecting it to go into Jungian archetypes. I know this goes against the general recommendation for MLC (Kids, Don't do this at home!). But as I mentioned earlier in my post, given what I know about my H, I felt it was the right choice and I stand by the decision. He talked more about how my job news. He wants to start taking guitar lessons again (MLC anyone?) but now doesn't think its a good idea because of my news. I didn't go into the strangeness of the fact that he just weeks ago was talking about separating our finances and separating in general, and now he's worrying about what HE will do based on my salary issues. Once again, I'm thankful that I have a H that has not completely abandoned us financially. It's clear he's torn. I told him when he asked a few weeks ago, that I'll sit down with him whenever, to go over separating finances. I've even made a spreadsheet with the finances and how separation could/might work. But he's not made the request yet so I'm just sitting on it.
As for me, now I have to struggle with whether to bring up the option of keeping him on the insurance if I get a new plan. It would clearly be the cheaper way to go but also goes against his general "separation" plans. I still have a few weeks to make plans about that so I'll feel it out at that point. He may bring it up himself, who knows.
We're having a family dinner tonight (his idea) to mark our D first day of HS today. Should be interesting as always.

[Albuquerque]

Just journaling..

H recently saw family doctor and got started on some AD. He tried a previous type but had some wicked side effects and had to stop. Hopefully these will be better. I've been told it takes a few weeks to see any effects. I'll be on the lookout.
H has also planned yet ANOTHER trip to the midwest (where suspected OW lives). It's really getting ridiculous. He spends at least one week a month there. I was tempted to ask why he doesn't just move there, but that's just me being pithy (and potentially putting ideas in his head). No need to worry, I kept my mouth shut and didn't actually say anything. Nevertheless, the info still hurts to hear. I find that strange when I live every day with the knowledge of the OW and have reached a point where thinking about it (as little as I try to do) doesn't particularly disturb me. I guess it's when it's presented to me directly as MORE circumstantial evidence rather than just speculation that it bothers me more.

H is definitely in replay. He's gotten on a horror movie kick and seems to be renting every horror movie he's ever watched or never gotten to watch. I'm not a big horror movie fan so we didn't watch that many together. I was a bit surprised/glad to hear during our last family dinner, that he's sworn off alcohol for awhile. He'd been drinking a lot (from what he'd tell me and post online). He said it wasn't helping so he decided to stop. I thought that was interesting. I didn't ask WHAT it wasn't helping.

Based on recommendations here, I'd gone kind of NC, but having a D13 it was hard, especially since he's still fairly involved in her life and all. But I found that even though I stopped emailing him, texting etc, he continued to do so to me. My H has always been "the communicator". We'd joke that the Mars/Venus books had it backwards with us. Talking things out has always been important to him. As a result of my not asking anything to him directly, I felt as though it was making me appear uninterested in him (as a person, not necessarily a spouse). So I've adjusted my approach a bit. I'll monitor and observe. When emailing stuff about D, I'll add a sentence or two about something else that I know he might be interested in. For example, I emailed him yesterday about D, and also added that a book I was reading was really good and that he should read it because it discussed something we've debated in the past. I also mentioned that I was listening to some podcasts he recommended to me and was enjoying them. He didn't respond immediately, but when he DID respond, he seemed upbeat (if you can seem upbeat in email). He said he would like to read the book and then mentioned that he still hadn't finished the other book I recommended (about Midlife Crisis) and needed to do that first. He also told me a slight bit about his day at work. So for day one of experimenting, I think that was good. I, like Brooklyn, kind of wonder whether he knows the door is open. In fact it was her posts that made me reevaluate my sitch a bit (thanks B!) The last all-out argument we had I pretty much told him if he was done, I was done. The next day, I started internet research, discovered MLC, read books and realized my errors and changed paths immediately. But I too, wonder whether he feels that I'm OK with this R ending. I even followed his lead and took my ring off because I felt like my keeping mine on might seem needy and desperate to him. More recently, I've been considering putting it back on, but after nearly 6 months of not wearing it, the idea seems weird now. I'd be interested in hearing what others have done about the ring issue.

[punkin]

Alb,

Interestingly enough, I have been thinking the same thing. I recently let my husband know I was willing and interested in R, and, although he didn't actually respond postively, I've thought that to put back on my ring was to validate my willingness. Even though he is not here to see it. I want to know other's thoughts, as well.

[warriorshadow]

alb,
The ring thing.
My W took hers off about 3 months after the bomb. My ring I never really wore throughout the marriage because I gained some wait and it really became uncomfortable. My W never had a problem with me not wearing it and seemed to understand. I did the LBS diet after the bomb and then the ring would not stay on my finger! It kept falling off and I kept wearing it anyway.
It then was missing from my fingers and I lost it.
It bothered me for that day because I was now starting to treasure it. Thought losing the ring was a sign from GOD! Thought He was telling me my M is over.
Here is the deal about the ring and why I am posting this:

I know it may hurt a little, but this is what I see:

When they go through MLC like this, the ring is off of them
because they truly think the M is done. Does not make sense to
you and me but in this they don't have the capability to realize
they are still married. Because in their mind they are not. That is how they justify the OP.
They don't want the reminder or guilt.
Kind of a coward, don't you think?
Until they face their issues, that won't change any time soon.

For you,
Wearing the ring could go either way of course. I think I would wear mine to show to others and my Spouse that I believed in us.

Don't feel needy or desperate cause they don't pay that much attention to your feelings through this.

As long as you are still married and standing, I would keep the ring on. But that is me.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. But this is the way it looked to me.

[PEI]

Alb ... what do YOU want to do? For YOU ... not for HIM.