I am not sure if you get to a point where you reach what I like to call your “threshold of emotional pain” but I think I have reached it. I have heard enough to last a life time. I am not going to give an update on the status of my marriage because this process is really not about your marriage, it is about YOU! I am sure you have heard it here a thousand times on this board but it is true. It took me over a year to get this in my head. I was cleaning out my in box today and came across email exchanges from early 2009 between my husband and myself and I am mortified that I talked the way that I talked about myself. I lacked confidence and showed no respect for myself. I was needy and relied too much on him to validate how I felt about myself. I have really found my strength in the last few months and I have realized that I am such a better person now. I don’t nag, b****, or complain and while it is hard to hear some of the things that my husband says to me and I find myself getting worked up I realize that I now have the ability to calm myself and walk away. I have endured so much and I now know that I deserve to treat myself well. It has helped me to respect others as well and how to treat others. If you have been cheated on then I commend you, I think it is a very emotional and trying time. It can be hell. Trust me. But in the end you have to know that it is NOT about you! You did nothing wrong. So my advice is a combination of other’s advice from this board, take care of yourself, learn to let go and change the things that you can change. You can’t control what anyone else does but you can be a wonderful and awesome person yourself!
I am mortified that I talked the way that I talked about myself. I lacked confidence and showed no respect for myself. I was needy and relied too much on him to validate how I felt about myself. I have really found my strength in the last few months and I have realized that I am such a better person now.
Hi swimming, this was exactly what I needed to hear this morning - thank you for sharing it. I'm not a LBS but this really hit home. I hope you don't mind that I copied part of this post into my thread, just so I can remember it and reread when I need to? Finally, if I might ask - was there anything in particular you did that really connected you with your strength; particularly your ability to detach from your need for his validation? Thanks very much again for sharing, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Hi FindingMyVoice, I am so glad that I could help and of course you can post whatever will help you. I think I found my strength when I realized that I would be ok on my own and when some of my fears pertaining to the relationship became a reality and I got through them. I am a runner and that also helped me become strong mentally as well as take off 75lbs.. It was really a combination of things. I just realized that the only person I could count on was myself. Hang in there..it will be ok:) I promise! Let me know if I can help you in any way. I am going to start following your thread:)
Last edited by swimmingupstream; 08/26/1005:39 PM.
Thanks swimming, I'm grateful for the encouragement. I've been in IC for so long (alone; H refused) and trying so many things to get through to him. I thought we'd licked it after a holiday this summer, but some of those old patterns keep coming back. Wonder if they ever left. Sure, he's making changes...if I'm practically standing on top of him and asserting my needs every moment of every day, plus being very clear that I will leave if it doesn't change (not being rash or angry; just stating my needs). Don't get me wrong it's not all him. I'm trying to own up to and change my half of the equation. But the communication... signs of affection and admiration, intimacy... if I take my eye off it for a second... it just slips away. He won't even really touch me, save for some friendly hugs and kisses. But even they're 'measured out' - he'll hold me, but then practically push me away once he's at his threshhold for closeness. I'm exhausted. And yet again, wondering if he'd / we'd be better of if I just left.
So I'd just done a search on the board this am for emotional distance literally about 15min after you posted, and when I read your sentence about reaching your threshold for emotional pain. Well, it hit home. Of course I feel ridiculous at the same time. I must have a pretty low threshhold considering some of the situations other folks have been through on the board. And I've been here for what feels like ages. The silliest problem here and taking so long to fix (i used to go by prairiegirl). It's just stupid. Augh. Anyways. Thank you again for sharing your strength with all of us, and my apologies for hijacking.
(edit: sorry, I didn't mean to say other problems here are silly; far, far from it. just that I think mine is and I'm angry with myself for not being able to fix it.
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 08/26/1008:17 PM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
It is not a silly problem and you are not hijacking at all. I cant post some of the stuff that I have endured because OW reads my posts but I can tell you they would make your jaw drop. My point is everyone deals with their problems differently and what you are experiencing is no more painful than the next. This is the man you loved and married and I can understand how you are feeling. I think you will find that if you start thinking about what YOU want and what YOU need and stop communicating it to him then you will have peace in your life. Change what you can change and the rest will just fall into place. You deserve to be happy! Do me a favor...pick something that you always wanted to do in your life, for me it is running a full marathon and selling a painting and make a goal to do it..let me know what it is and I will help you! I know it may sound silly but it will help you focus on you!
Thank you swimming. I really appreciate your reply. Am so sorry to hear what a struggle you had, and admire how hard you've worked to lift yourself above.
Originally Posted By: swimmingupstream
I think you will find that if you start thinking about what YOU want and what YOU need and stop communicating it to him then you will have peace in your life. Change what you can change and the rest will just fall into place.
This is very reassuring and encouraging. Thank you again. I will focus on that. I have to admit that yes, I've been dwelling a lot on things I cannot change, at the expense of the things I can.
Originally Posted By: swimmingupstream
for me it is running a full marathon and selling a painting and make a goal to do it..let me know what it is and I will help you! I know it may sound silly but it will help you focus on you!
I LOVE the idea of setting a goal. I don't think it sounds silly at all. I've been working off and on at GAL all along and working at self-esteem and assertiveness etc, but I've never really set a goal around it before. I think that's just what I need. And your goals really 'wow-ed' me - good for you! They are quite a coincidence...I like to run also, and, I'm also an artist! I've been sidelined with shinsplints for the last while, but I'm walking lots now and I think they're healing; almost ready to start some light intervals. Have always wanted to run a half! Maybe that should be my goal. Would love to hear more about your art if you're able to share here!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Change what you can change and the rest will just fall into place. You deserve to be happy! Do me a favor...pick something that you always wanted to do in your life, for me it is running a full marathon and selling a painting and make a goal to do it..let me know what it is and I will help you! I know it may sound silly but it will help you focus on you!
Swimming, is that you? What flipped the switch for you? I am astounded by the difference in your posts. Glad for you!
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I LOVE the idea of setting a goal. I don't think it sounds silly at all. I've been working off and on at GAL all along and working at self-esteem and assertiveness etc, but I've never really set a goal around it before. I think that's just what I need. And your goals really 'wow-ed' me - good for you! They are quite a coincidence...I like to run also, and, I'm also an artist! I've been sidelined with shinsplints for the last while, but I'm walking lots now and I think they're healing; almost ready to start some light intervals. Have always wanted to run a half! Maybe that should be my goal. Would love to hear more about your art if you're able to share here!