True, DB coach suggested to stall for relationship, lawyers advised to stall for legal reasons. I'm not trying to be arrogant or difficult by asking this question but what does it matter at this point if she's pissed? Is signing a separation agreement now really going to make any difference with her?
What difference does it make that she is trying for different reasons? Fact is she isn't trying for M. Am I supposed to be supportive of that?
Ok, I can agree that I need to be the only one taking care of the business end of the house issues. She CAN at least help out with the house cleaning, do something. Problem is she doesn't even offer to help.
Maybe she doesn't do anythiing because I haven't done things she wants like the separation agreement, maybe not. If that's the case that's petty if you ask me. I'm doing a lot of other things for her. She should be helping in some other way. I know she won't though.
IC advised me to continue to GAL. Not spend time worrying about what she does. Said to date if/when I'm ready. Basically to move on and if she comes back to worry about it then.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I would have not been happy if she told me about the dating website. I would have been upset for a while. However, I would have respected her for being honest about it and not sneaking around behind my back like is her pattern of late.
Problem is that I think she thinks she knows the answers of how I will react. She might just be in for a surprise if she tested me.
Do please surprise her. Act like you don't even know or care because you are far too busy with your own social life to be concerned about what a woman who doesn't want you is doing.
Originally Posted By: mza8
The mature way to go about this is to discuss our needs together and see if we can meet them.
Maybe one of her 'needs' is a hoochie coochie man.
Quote:
I got a black cat bone I got a mojo too I got the Johnny Concheroo I'm gonna mess with you I'm gonna make you girls Lead me by my hand Then the world will know The hoochie coochie man
Dude, your W did NOT just get pissed at you last week. She has been totally pissed at you for at least a year and probably way more! This is not new information or news. She got pissed at you for flowers, going to her gym and all sorts of things since you have been posting here. Frankly NOBODY cares if she is pissed or not but don't act like you were unsure how mad she really was. She walked out on you and never turned back - IMO that is a very clear clue she is pissed/angry and done.
My point exactly - your W *is* trying to change her circumstances but it's not the change you want. She wants to sell the house, get divorced and move on. Hell, that is LOTS of change just not the desired change for you. And you *have* been supportive of this sort of behavior from your W for a long time because you were to afraid to "rock the boat". Now though you decided enough is enough? You did that because she wants to date. In her mind (I bet and yes I am mind reading) she has wanted to date all along and tried to end the marriage before she did start dating but you took too long to listen to her desires. You didn't WANT to end the marriage and now she has had enough and will no longer wait on you to cooperate.
I have been saying all along you are very foolish to not require your W to help with the house. Nobody likes doing housework! Tough. She wants the cash she does the work. Simple. Most 5 year olds get it. But you never put that boundary in place so why now? Because you are pissed she is dating.
She doesn't help because you never pushed that issue because you were afraid to tick her off more. We all said all along she should be helping but you said "no, I will just lead and show her I can get it done". Well, you gave her a free pass not to help under the guise of leading which was all a ruse to not rock the boat!
IC advised me to continue to GAL. Not spend time worrying about what she does. Said to date if/when I'm ready. Basically to move on and if she comes back to worry about it then.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I know she didn't just get pissed last week. My question was though what does it matter now? I do get it how mad she was and maybe still is. If she got pissed at me for sending her flowers for her birthday then that's sad.
That's sort of been my point though. If she's so pissed then perhaps she is still emotionally invested. I've had three ICs tell me this. I read books explaining this. Her being pissed is potentially a good thing. If she can begin to let go of that anger then that's when the work on the R can begin. I need to know from her how I can help her with this...lose the anger.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Well, I'm certainly not a counselor but based on my own experience with a *very* staunch WAS and all I have read here I think you are giving yourself false hope if you think her being pissed means she is still invested.
She is pissed because (for now) she is done and you won't let her be done. She wants out of this marriage and she is pissed because she is still in the marriage. She was pissed at the flowers you sent her because it indicated you are STILL pursuing a romantic R with her and she doesn't want that. The longer you string this marriage out that she doesn't want, the longer she will stay pissed and her resentment will deepen.
Sometimes a WAS showing anger can be a good thing but her actions (to me) say otherwise. She wants out and you are holding her back. Her letting go of anger does not mean she will want to work on the marriage.
You don't need to know anything from her - you may WANT to know stuff but you don't need to. She doesn't want your help except to sign separation/divorce papers. The problem? You don't want to help her that way so the anger will continue to build.
I know she didn't just get pissed last week. My question was though what does it matter now? I do get it how mad she was and maybe still is. If she got pissed at me for sending her flowers for her birthday then that's sad.
That's sort of been my point though. If she's so pissed then perhaps she is still emotionally invested. I've had three ICs tell me this. I read books explaining this. Her being pissed is potentially a good thing. If she can begin to let go of that anger then that's when the work on the R can begin. I need to know from her how I can help her with this...lose the anger.
Her getting pissed isn't the point. I didn't advise you to say nothing for her sake, but for your sake, so you can at least end this with some measure of dignity and strength. You will feel better about you if you show her a strong, confident man instead of a whiny little boy.
Women get pissed when men ignore what we tell them and keep pursuing anyway. I understand why she was pissed. The thing I find sad is that you sent flowers to her despite her consistent clear message.
Now if she had been pissed to find you on a dating site, that could be a good sign.
You can help her lose the anger by letting her go. She wants out. She wants to date. Show her that you finally get it.
I know you've heard this a 1000 times but you really, really need to let go and focus on you. Trust me on this, I feel so much better now that I have accepted my M being over.
My attitude has changed, I have two awesome kids and I will see their mother twice a week for the next 15 yeares or so. I have decided to treat her as a friend.
I don't know the future on many things but I know I will be happy with myself. My W may/may not have a change of heart, only she can decide that.
Don't get down on yourself, it's so easy to fall into the abyss.
We are all here for you.
try to smile at a few people today.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I know she didn't just get pissed last week. My question was though what does it matter now? I do get it how mad she was and maybe still is. If she got pissed at me for sending her flowers for her birthday then that's sad.
That's sort of been my point though. If she's so pissed then perhaps she is still emotionally invested. I've had three ICs tell me this. I read books explaining this. Her being pissed is potentially a good thing. If she can begin to let go of that anger then that's when the work on the R can begin. I need to know from her how I can help her with this...lose the anger.
She wasn't pissed at you because she's angry at you about the relationship, she got "pissed" at you (great word btw) because you don't get it. She's moving on, and you pursuing her and giving her gifts shows that you don't get it yet, you don't understand her, you don't listen to what she's been trying to communicate to you for such a long time, she doesn't want to be with you and it makes her uncomfortable when you pursue her, talk about the relationship, buy her gifts, heck talk about just about anything with her and she is probably literally counting the seconds as to how long your interaction with her will last. This is the part you haven't understood yet.
Yet you still believe that she is holding on to anger that she can deal with and then want to work on the relationship.
I don't believe she is angry, I do believe she is tired of you and it's time for you to realize this and it's time for you to move on with your life. Stop thinking that she is the only one for you, you tried, you gave it your best, now it's time for you to open your eyes and realize that there are at least 1000 other women in your area that would enjoy being with you. You have this mindset of scarcity, she's the only one for you, instead of having the mindset of abundance where there are a ton of options for you and if she doesn't want to be with you, it's her loss, not yours.
Things will not change for you until you start opening your eyes to your reality and accept it for what it is.
Stop thinking that she is the only one for you, you tried, you gave it your best, now it's time for you to open your eyes and realize that there are at least 1000 other women in your area that would enjoy being with you. You have this mindset of scarcity, she's the only one for you, instead of having the mindset of abundance where there are a ton of options for you and if she doesn't want to be with you, it's her loss, not yours.
Things will not change for you until you start opening your eyes to your reality and accept it for what it is.
Yep, 180 your thinking. Go to Hammerjacks this weekend.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
