Need some encouragement

[kissak]

Im trying my best to act happy...to act "as if", but its hard some days. Yesterday seemed like a good day. Until last night that is....

My H went into the bathroom to take a bath and undwind. I went to open the door, I knocked first...it was locked...I was just gonna put some towels away. I asked if I could come in and he said no...I jokingly said "why, do I aggravate you or something when you are in the bath..." He said "yes". OK< well, I just turned around, walked to my son's room to put some clothes away, evidently my H was still talking to me and I didnt hear him...but I did hear him when H called our son's name...I went back to the bathroom door behind my son...H asked son where I was...son said "she's right here". H GOT TICKED OFF!! He thought I was standing there the whole time, not saying a word to him! Ugh, he came out of the bathroom, ticked...went outside and slammed the door!! I followed and asked what was wrong! He said "Now is not a good time to discuss it!"

So, I went back in the house, got ready for bed...during that time he came back in, crawled in the bed and laid there fuming.

I asked again, why he was sooo mad! He said I pi$$ed him off and ruined his whole evening!! That supposedly I was in son's room and I walked away while he was still talking to me! Then I wouldnt answer him. OK I DIDNT HEAR HIM!! Until he called my son's name.

UGH, after a few minutes, he said he was over it now....ok, then I went back out, he fell asleep. I went to tuck my son in and my son was crying...said he wanted to know why daddy was mad and then he started crying saying he didnt want daddy to leave again. After hearing that, I assured him daddy wasnt mad at him, that he werent leaving. After that, I was so mad and angry at my H, I went into the washroom, where no one could hear me, and cried my eyes out!

I just want to be happy! H is not making me feel that way! I dont feel like I have any emotional support from him....I always feel like I am the one apologizing to him! He got mad at me for no reason and then didnt even say he was sorry for getting mad!

After about an hour, I went to lay down, H woke up and tried to pull me to him...he wanted sex! He was already OVER it! I pulled away and told him I was upset that he scared our son with him going out and slamming the door. I didnt mention our son saying he was afraid daddy was going to leave again...H just rolled over and went to sleep. Said nothing about son.

I feel like he just flips out and doesnt care about anyone but him sometimes.

When I was alone, I found myself asking if this is really what I wanted. I find myself trying to Not ever get mad at him...cuz I dont want him to leave, but I feel like he gets mad at me and doesnt care, because he thinks I would never leave him, no matter how mad he gets!

I find the only thing that kept me home last night and not leaving was my kids. I think If it werent for them, I wouldnt try so hard.

This morning, he seemed fine.

Just needed to vent here