Shoot, I had almost completed a big long post and it got zapped. Now I gotta run, so very quickly...
"I'm the crazy ex-wife who can't get over it."
This is B.S. You are riding a huge positive (if difficult) surge forward right now. You aren't stuck, you are doing great. Now, stop the self-flagellation, make-yourself-a-victim, take-me-to-my-comfort-zone talk. You aren't crazy, you will get through it and beyond it.
"I told her that she didn't have to worry about my feelings with that, I was glad she said something, and I would be OK for playdates at either home."
This is HUGE, and a very generous and loving action from a mother for her daughter. See, you DO HAVE POWER here to make your kids' lives better. They can't be caught in a battlefield if their is no battle. Recognize what a strong and loving thing you did. YOU DID IT. YOU HELPED HER.
The really big deal with DD was not in telling her yet again that she didn't have to worry about you, but that your actions matched your words better.
And, I think your actions matched your words better because you are getting more honest with yourself and more objective about what is going on...
"Truth is, I think it would hurt me if they loved her. Like it hurt when x loved her.
It would feel like another betrayal."
For you to really come out and be this direct with yourself is HUGE. You are much more honest with yourself, and much more open to hearing and thinking around this issue. This is a really big deal. Give yourself a pat on the back.
And, I'm sure you already know that this isn't great for your kids. It is best for them if they feel truly free to forge a healthy R with a significant adult who is effectively part of their family. She isn't going anywhere, she's been in their lives since they were tiny. All signs point to her being in their lives when they grow up and have children. Free them to have a good, loving R with her, if that is what works for them. Let them figure out what they want and to make whatever it is an authentic R with her. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Don't make it about you. They will not love you less if they accept or embrace her, which they may or may not do. (If anything, they will love you more because the enhanced freedom makes more room for love.) The important thing is that they have the space to do so and are not saddled with the chore of managing that relationship in a way that makes it about you because they have to protect you.
And, words help, but they aren't enough. You know your kids are sensitive enough to understand that right now their R with her is about you in your own heart. They will manage you, their R with her, and so on, to protect you. Not their job, but they will keep making it their job until you accept, let go, detach, make it not about you in your own heart.
So, NO MORE BEATING UP DONNA. You are doing great!
Finally, with the compassion thing, try to think of their story as something you read in a well-written novel with complex characters. What would get those characters in a position to treat others so horribly?
Hugs, and yay Donna. I really think you're in the middle of a pretty significant jump forward and up :-)
