hoosiermama? I AM!!

[hoosiermama]

feeling a little shaky today. a couple of years ago, almost to the day, I left my church job--again, not entirely by choice. that was entirely political, altho I allowed it to paralyze me after several years of dealing with being sabotaged (church people are just as dysfunctional and mean and self-serving as the general population, altho they appear to be "safer" because no one wants to believe it!) At that time, too, I was stepping off a ledge without a job to go to. had one within a week, and I certainly hope that happens again...but then again, I don't know.

just wrote this to a friend, thought I'd share it here...ok, here's the thing, because I feel "convicted" as the jargon goes. I may have self-sabotaged with this to some degree, if I'm brutally honest with myself. for the past couple of years I've felt like I have ADD--can't focus well, or for long. understandable at the time of the crisis, and maybe part of some PTSD...but I think my brain got used to it, as brains get used to depression, etc. becomes part of the wiring unless you figure out a work-around. and I haven't. and this job, and especially the completely self-directed "orientation" (ha--that's a stretch) required a lot of focus, since I had no background in this and am far more right-brained than research people tend to be. and I tried most of the time--but since the pieces didn't really come together until the past 6 weeks or so, it was perhaps too late. my "feedback" was simply that this "wasn't working" and was really vague. but perhaps if I had tried harder, been more able to focus, had some reference point to attach all the apparent unconnected details....

and I can blame it on D14's bad summer and my concern for her, or any number of other things like a really poor orientation. but some of the fault is my own. in retrospect, I honestly don't know what I could have done differently; I had said several times that I was trying but it was slower than I anticipated, and I kept getting feedback that it was fine, it would take awhile and I was doing okay--until I wasn't, and then just couldn't do anything right, got yelled at for being 3 minutes late because I was escorting a new family to a clinic, and it was suddenly all downhill.

oh, on that last piece--there must be something about my face. it's about a 3 block walk to my building, then another 5 minutes or so to my office; it's rare that someone doesn't stop and ask for directions. and I'll see them walk past several other people and look at me and walk directly over, sometimes crossing the street to do so. and this is a medical center, and my office is in a children's hospital--it's not like these folks don't have plenty of other things to worry about, you can't just give them terse instructions and move on. but she thought I was making excuses. yeah, she IS nuts. yeah, I found proof they've hired 2 people instead of just one so my instinct was correct. but....you know.