I can't believe I am f'ing crying over this same crap.....AGAIN!! I hate what all of this has turned me into.
I'm the crazy ex-wife who can't get over it.
I might have been codependent before all this happened..... but I was never like this. I was a good person who saw and expected the good in everyone. I loved my family and friends, and had had enough reserves to "spare" and help others, do community service. Coping mechanisms did the job so I could actually flourish.
Both parents died young. Issues with mom and her alcoholism. My sister growing up with fibro and into manic depression, and her shutting me out of her life completely (more than once). The scare with my daughter when she was born, and the skull surgery.
Life's up and downs, and some serious bad things happened, but I didn't get depressed about it - I was together, competent. Definitely NOT crazy.
I hate that he did this to me. That she did this to me. That there is some major crap inside of me that allowed it all to happen. That I was messed up enough to not see it coming, to think that I was happy. I thought I was happy, even with all of life's trials.
I imagine that this is similar to soldiers coming back from war - ok, now hurry up and get back to normal.
I'm telling you, I would trade all this knowledge-through-pain that I've acquired over the last 3+ years for my previous blissful obliviousness. In a heartbeat.
I used to be so grateful for the life I had - I felt lucky, blessed everyday, from the day I met him. Now, other than my kids, I regret ever having known him at all.
